Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Here we go down, down, down...

25 yrs, that was an awesome post. Great for Zen and great for myself. It sucks to hear all of this but it is necessary. Personally, I am finally getting to the place where I am letting go. Zen, I hope that you are reaching it too. Keep adding up the positives. Up,up,up is right!

It was a good post. Hard to read, but what I need to hear. I need to detach much more, and asap. The good news is that I am detached enough to pull off some fantastic DBing when I do see H.

Bad news is that I am still cycling through so much grief, sadness, anger and confusion. A part of me was expecting him to proceed with a divorce, but it still hit hard. I thought he would wait till after the holidays, but he says he is going to "go ahead and file," whatever that means.

One upside is that for whatever reason H is being more open right now about D3. Don't know if it is out of guilt, relief from telling me he was going to file, because he is hurting, or what. Whatever the reason, I don't feel like my D3 is being sucked into a black hole every time she is with him.

Down side is knowing how hard of a time she is having when she is away from me. Apparently it is routine for her to cry for me when he picks her up. She cries for about an hour before she falls asleep too.

Just got off the phone with D3 and he tells me again that she has been crying for me all evening. WHAT THE F@#% AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! I'M OT THE ONE WHO IS DOING THIS TO OUR FAMILY!

Did I mention the cycling through anger?

None of this makes any sense to me. My heart breaks for my little girl and for me too.

Sorry you are in pain. Your D3 would be crying like this if you were in the military (don't scoff, or laugh. I mean, I'm a veteran & got deployed with a 16 month old and again with 2 kids under the age of 7).

Point is, business trips, illness and life can take moms away from their kids and their kids bond with their dads in a way they would not, COULD NOT have done otherwise. This forces your h to step up to the plate and be the father he might not have been otherwise. And remember all the Dads (& moms) in the military who leave for year long deployments with a few weeks of R & R that somehow manage to stay close to their kids. THEY EXIST...it is possible.
A few weeks of hour long crying jags won't damage her permanently. I don't see a choice for you anyhow, as you aptly point out.

So since you have no choice, let's see the upside, okay? And by the way, other than wondering about HER, and her sadness, make it worth it. Meaning, if she's going to be sad each time, it'd be a lot less tragic if your time were being wisely used while she's adjusting to "daddy only" time. So make good use of your time. For example--"R & R" or your new career plan or class or GAL stuff...use that time to make it count.

When I was sent off, at least I knew my son and h were bonding and my mom helped out (no doubt your h's parents will step in and then see how "great" he is with her...or not). NOT your problem. Not your responsibility to monitor them as long as she's fundamentally safe.

And let him be a different parent than you. No parents are identical. My h was more physical with our son than I was and that was FINE! I had a hard time at first but had to back off and let h figure it out. And he did. And they did.

Good luck, he'll figure it out. And that might make him think more about his choices. But really, don't just focus on what you think you are losing...

You deserve better. Believe it.

I'm sorry Zen about the pain right now. Give yourself a break though. You need a little time after the talk! Of course you have been preparing yourself for him to say it but to actually hear it is a whole other challenge.

It sounds like you are already regrouping. Be kind to yourself. You DO deserve better.

Thanks ya'll. I have a good amount of free time this weekend, and fun stuff planned to do with my D when I get her in a little bit. Tomorrow after SIL & niece's b-day H is taking D3 camping. I plan to work on rearanging the house a bit while she is gone. The change of sceenery should help.

As far as D3 crying, I know she is ok. I'm not going to try to ease his guilt. I'll keep to my line that 'she needs to be with her daddy too' when H tells me how hard of a time they are having. He will figure it out. I do plan to talk to him about moving the night-night calls a bit earlier. I think our baby is going to be better off saying goodnight before she starts her bedtime routine than right before going to sleep.

It is time I stop waiting for my H and start moving on. It is getting cold out side. Time to shut the door. Not locked yet, but shut now. This weekend, after D3 leaves for her camping trip, I will start that "up, up, up" thread.

Hi Zen, I'm so rooting for you...whichever way it may be, that you come out happier than ever..you deserve it! My little one is 4years old, not too far off, so i know all about the heartbreak. My S asks my H constantly: "why dont you want to stay in my house with me anymore". H has never given a response...just avoids it

Thinking of you:)

I get a lot of those questions. Don't know if D3 asks my H. I usually just tell he that I don't know and reasure her that we both love her and she will always have both of us. About all I can say. Can't really explain what I don't understand.

You guys are my heroes. I don't know how you do this with kids. I'm rooting for both of you.

Zen, what part of MI will you be traveling to?

Small town about an hour from Detroit. Probably stop in Ann Arbor too.

When kids are older, If need be, refer the questions to the WAS. But when they're young, you have to keep it simple. And point out the upsides, however fake and wacky they seem. Yes, the "Santa" comes twice and "you have TWO rooms now" and blah blah blah. They can't handle more!

Remind them ALWAYS of how both parents love THEM and are friends with each other and still a mommy and daddy but maybe not a husband and wife. Or that they can't live in the same house but will share d3 b/c you both SO want time with her.
Why does your h bother telling you how difficult it is for d3 to be without you at night? What's his goal?

Oh, self pitying and whining b/c he doesn't have "an agenda' to guilt you into returning. He is so clueless as to how that makes YOU feel b/c it is still all about HIM...OMG...even now!

The momentary feelings of guilt he has probably validate to him, how noble HE is....Good grief. Tell him as you have been, "try this or that, (if you have ideas) and then, "I'm sure you'll figure it out DADDY". ( I mean, man up....Geez...)

Keep up the GAL and DBing. IT's for YOU and your D3 now. Swim to the other side & stay focussed on that. Don't look back at the shore (h) or you won't make it to the other side. If HE changes radically AND is willing to do the work, he can swim on to your side and prove it. Til if and when that happens, keep going forward. It's working.