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Oh....reading your post on my thread...maybe you can't do it now but you are well on your way! I have total faith in you!

Haven't really talked to anyone in real life about going to the psychiatric hospital for more intensive treatment. I feel embarrassed, like I am incapable of handling real life. The only people who know are my sister, who is going with me, and my supervisor because I had to tell her what was going on and that I might not be around for awhile. It's humiliating to know that my husband leaving me and having an affair and a baby with another woman drove me to the psych hospital because I just couldn't handle it, my husband broke me. Which I was pretty well broken before, he just completed the job.

I am still somewhat emotionless. Pretty sure most of my emotions have shut down with only pain/sorrow able to feel anything. I can say to myself that H isn't coming home but I don't believe myself. If someone else says it, I cry. I still have that strong feeling of confidence he will return. Still have that feeling that I'm ok, just have to be patient. And I've had all these feelings before and they eventually faded away to depression so what's to say this time is any different. But I'm afraid that if I'm still feeling ok when I go for the appointment Wednesday they'll tell me I don't need them, to go home and get over it.

Trying to just go day by day but I'm a control freak. I hate not knowing what is going to happen next, that's why I read the end of the book first then go back to the beginning and read it straight through. And not knowing what is going to happen with H is killing me.

CW, I have full physical custody and joint legal. Will definitely have to ask about me being the full decision maker for DS.

This is the only place that I can really open up and be fully honest. I have already burdened the people in my life enough, if I completely unloaded on them they'd think I was hopeless. You guys and gals may think that, too, but you don't stop offering support.

Mystik, ... I remember thinking the same thing... damn him... and being so down on myself about not being able to get out of the funk on my own. Hon... once the brain chemicals start to work against you... t'ain't nothing you can do but get help and set them back on the right path.

I too was angry, at the sitch, myself for not being able to be stronger, my body for giving out on me, my genetics for being disposed to a depression I CLEARLY felt was beneath me. I got my butt kicked... and finally stopped to realize HE did this to me. Just like HE did what he did to you. Getting help is the brave thing to do, ... believe me. Now being out of this mess that, I"m quite encouraged at the people who've approached me and said: How in the hell did you do it? I couldn't have.

Point being the people on this board are so much stronger than we realize or give ourselves credit for. Seeking help IS the thing to do, the brave thing to do. Yeah, you may feel like a failure but I tell you... once the dust settles, you'll go HEY... IIIII survived! And you will be so incredibly sent into awe by it. You just have to get to that stage. I realize it does feel like you SHOULD do this or that... but once you get past this mysterious stage ... you'll realize that you've done SOOOO much to be proud of. Reach that hand out, it's the first step.

*hugs*
Abs

I get this but...skipping ahead to the end means we miss some important stuff in the book! Same with our lives! Have you ever seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler? I know! I am the same way! If we were certain that our H's would come home eventually...we'd be fine, right?

And...



Be honest "Feeling" ok is not the same as "being" ok.....

Be real! They are professionals! Try and have a good rest of the weekend!

Mystik, I totally get that you don't want to burden the family and friends IRL (I think we all "get it" on this board). I think in this case, the best thing for you to do is not mindread and worry about what they are thinking. NO ONE KNOWS until/unless it happens to them.

We are not saying that you are strong just to make you feel good, Mystik! Honestly- seeking help and treatment to get better is a brave thing to do-how many people suffer too long because they couldn't make themselves get the help they need? You wouldn't be feeling unsure if it wasn't a scary thing, right?

I know we say "live in the present" but just for a second, imagine how you can look back and say "wow, I scraped myself up from the throes of depression! I feel strong and happy now. I can't believe I did it! Go ME!"

oh and don't try to tackle the reward thing with your son- sorry about posting that at this time. Bad timing. Save it for later!

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am just so worried about being a burden and feeling the need to stand on my own two feet, not that I'm doing so great at that, but still. Logically I know H did this to me, and I know I should be angry with him but I just can't do it. I feel that because I let H do this to me, I'm not strong. And while I do feel ok it's a false sense of security. Am I ok because of the medications I'm on? Am I ok because I let my sister make a big decision for me? Why am I ok now when I wasn't last Tuesday? So many unanswered questions about the situation that keep nagging at me.

You will never be a burden to the people that love you!

(((hugs)))

Today's exchange was not so good. I was already upset and nervous about seeing H to begin with. DS called asking to meet at Dunkin Donuts, so I waited a bit then went over, didn't want to get there first so I could avoid parking near them. When I got there H called and said it was just him and DS inside DD's, did I want to join them and hang out. I declined, said I was fine in the car. So H brought DS to the car and started to say something about It. I said, "I don't want to hear it" but H continued so DS covered my ears with his hands. H and Whore have an appointment tomorrow to decide when to induce because It is getting too big so H might need to take DS on a day other than Wednesday. I didn't say anything, just talked to DS. So I cried a bit of course.

Then DS asked if he could see Daddy tomorrow so he could see the new baby. I said that it won't be born tomorrow, they'll find out tomorrow when it will be. He said that yes It will be born tomorrow because [It] is getting to big to be safe in [Whore's] stomach. So I got all upset and crying and told DS that while I know he's excited he needs to talk to his counselor or his daddy about It because it makes me too sad to hear about It. He asked why I was sad and I said because I love Daddy and want him to be with us. So DS started apologizing for talking about It and that he won't see Daddy tomorrow and that made me feel even worse.

So now I'm feeling like crap, and remembering about when DS was born and now H will be sharing that experience with Whore and not me.