Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Haven't Yet Found My Way

Nobody is telling you not to care about your H. You and your H will be having to work together until your son turns 18 so there is nothing wrong with caring - what you feel for your H though is beyond caring and borderline obsessive.

Going out and doing things, trying new things and making big changes to yourself as a woman *are* part of letting go. The point I was trying to make in my post to y'day is it seems mentally you are so terrified to take that step and that is an indication of a much, much larger problem. And when we can isolate the much larger problem, get the appropriate treatment for the problem THEN we can restructure our lives.

You can't even sleep without your dreams being cluttered with the obsession you have with your H.

Maybe you don't have anxiety like I did but you do exhibit obsessive tendencies and that is keeping you stuck. It doesn't seem to matter to you how poorly your H treats you or how much he uses you or disrespects you. And that is not good.

Your H controls your thoughts to the point that you can't even sleep without him being void in your mind. You have convinced yourself he is coming back if you just be patient. And as long as you cling to that "idea" you will remain just where you are. While you are remaining stuck and destroyed your H is building a life and family with a whole new set of people. I mean, I know that is awful to hear but it's the truth.

I am very, very worried for you. You seem to think one day you will just wake up and not care and everything will be okay. Or you are just sure your H is coming back. You have to work to be better. If you are unable to start the work then you need more help. And there is NOTHING wrong with that! Hell, I needed the help of THREE doctor's! If your IC is not helping though beyond medicating you then it's time to move up the chain of command.

I mean, it's not just us saying things have to change. Your little son is telling you that. Even your dr/insurance company told you they won't do the weight reduction surgery until YOU change. Even your H is telling you to change and rebuild.

Now we all know you can do this but until you try you won't believe a word we say. Eventually though if you don't do something to help yourself your support system will decrease and then you will really be lost. We don't want you lost anymore. You simply must find some sort of balance. Even if medical intervention is necessary at this point.

Mystik, there's dwelling on the past and moving forward. You aren't moving forward because you care for H and you're afraid to let that go because it may be all you have left.

FWIW, one of the first people I did turn to was someone who split from his wife... divorced her and then married her a second time.

YOu're not ready for a second GOOD go at anything with your H. This is on your shoulders now, not his. Forget fixing this mess, cuz it's a mess and it's not worth putting a crap load of bandaids on. You have every reason to axe this "marriage" and make way for new roads... without ... OR with him. And I still think he'll be back. But YOU're not ready... I keep saying that cuz I truly mean it. Where to start? 1 minute and 5 minute jobs. Go walk for 5 minutes. Learn to train your mind to go elsewhere when you think of H and the whore. It CAN be done...did it...saved me a lot of grief.

WORK on you, you've been given enough info.. enough with the excuses now... time for a hoof in the backside from us so we can get you back on track.

*hugs*
Abs

yep-- it starts with GAL. It doesn't feel right at first but then it gets better. A body in motion tends to stay in motion.

You are stuck and I hope you know all of us are writing this out of concern, not to gang up on you or anything!

At this point, how does it get better? You might want to check out those books about abandonment that have been recommended. Journey from Abandonment to Healing is one, I think.

Time to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, Mystik, my DB friend!!!

Sweetie,

Don't even try to stop caring or let go. Just ADD to it....treating yourself well. That makes you sooooo much more attractive to him....and it's good for you.

Let's talk about YOU for awhile.

What makes you happy? What makes you laugh your arse off?
What makes you feel pretty?

on your team,
sg

Wow, nicely put Abbey. I think all of LBS' have all felt this more or less.

Hi mystik

How are you doing? You have been on my mind today...
We all care about you and your DS...we want you to find your way!

I'm here, hanging there.

Monday was a down day, saw the NP who increased my meds again, now I'm at a level where it increases the risk of seizures so if I find myself losing blocks of time to call her right away. Not sure I'm going to go ahead with that increase because the thought of losing blocks of time was not comforting. Especially since it's not like I have anyone who can drive for me so if it happens while driving I'm in trouble.

Tuesday was a bad day, just could not cope with DS at all, really anything at all, and ended up giving in to his tantrums and letting him stay home from school, which forced me to stay home from work. So I spent the day trying to sleep and just in a deep funk, DS stuck to me like a barnacle on a whale. My sister came over after she got done with work and took DS and told me to take a shower and get something healthy to eat. While she was there I asked her about the in-patient counseling and she agreed it would be a good idea, and to talk to my therapist when I saw her the next day. After sobbing through my shower and pleading with God for help because I'm not strong enough to do this on my own I felt better, not sure if it's because I could finally relax, someone was there to tell me what to do, or because I shut down emotionally.

Wednesday I still felt better, like I was going to be ok and could handle things. Thinking now that it's because I just shut down my emotions. Felt quite unemotional all day, then my friend from high school texted me to say she was pregnant. That got me upset because I want it to be me. Saw my therapist after work, my sister came too. Therapist agrees that more agressive counseling would be beneficial and advised me on how to go about getting it. Talked about H and Whore and his car accident and of course I started crying again. It seems I am emotionally shut down but can still experience pain. Weird. Hung out with my sister last night, she made sure I completed the court petitions to file for amended visitation and the money H owes me. She's going to call me tomorrow to make sure that I go to the courthouse and file them.

Called the in-treatment hospital this morning, they offer options for intensive outpatient therapy which is where you go for either all day or part of the day sessions then go home at night and then return the next morning to resume your sessions. Left a message there that I wanted to interview because I was interested in their program, hoping they call me back soon.

As I wrote before, right now I feel ok, like I'm going to be fine. But how long with this feeling last? A day, a week? Until I have to see H with his whore when I pick up DS in a few hours? I can't keep living on this cycle where I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm not so good, I'm completely broken and then back to I'm ok repeated constantly.

Mystik -

I am SO PROUD of you! You have no idea!

I can relate on many, many levels of feeling the relief that "somebody" has a plan. Calling the treatment program was an amazing step. See how brave you are?! Reaching out to your counselor to let her know you needed more than just medication and talking about the same stuff - HUGE STEPS!

I am so glad your sister is around to help you follow up on things. Sisters are quite simply the best.

You did VERY good. VERY VERY good!

You are taking control and it's going to feel great!

Mystik, I am so glad that you found the courage to take some action. Now, keep the momentum going. Follow up with the hospital if you don't hear back today. For work, talk to HR about short term disbility or FMLA leave. They have to grant it and you can't suffer any loss of position. You are going to need to concentrate on getting better not work.

I am going to caution you, as a person who needed intensive counseling in the past. Do not discuss this with or even mention it to your H at all. It is none of his business right now.

I am not planning on telling H anything if at all possible. But if they do end up admitting me for any reason then he may have to be told. My sister said the same thing, if they don't call me back today call them again tomorrow. I'll have to explain it as doctor appointments to DS in case he mentions it to H. Not sure how much of his life with me he shares with H.

Just got home from picking up DS. Cried on the way home, but not the all out sobbing like on Sunday. H was asking me about how big DS was when he was born and how if he had gone full term he would have been three pounds heavier. DS was born about three weeks early. Then he left with OW. That is what did me in.