What... I really do have a dodgeball tournament LOL It's part of my GAL
Also part of my GAL: Hooking up with the sexy massage therapist who was always after me when I was dating my H... do you think I'll get a free massage? hahaha
I'm terrible, I know I'm going to be a jaded divorcee, the single aunt at family reunions wearing leather pants, sipping on a martini and telling anyone who will listen that all men are dogs (in between pulls on my Virginia Slim)
So I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told my H yesterday what I knew. He never confirmed or denied, just said that wasn't the issue, that's not why we have problems. I said trust is a HUGE problem. I told him I wanted a divorce now because I refused to be in a relationship with someone who was that deceitful. He said fine, goodbye. An hour later he calls back and says he needs my mailing address because I have to co-sign for his student loan. WTF? I said I'm not co signing anything. Also told him I am keeping both the dogs. He said why would he want to be married to someone who wanted to destroy him anyways and hung up. 30 minutes later he texts me, asking if he bought me a puppy would I consider giving him one of the dogs. Then he calls. We talk again, he says he wants to come here, talk about us, hopes that we can have a fun weekend together. He says divorce isn't a black or white issue for him, it's more difficult than that and we need to talk. What the hell is going on? He is all over the place. Just as I am ready to move on he gives me a glimmer of hope. I hold no stock in it now. This relationship is not a relationship any longer, just a bunch of smoke screens.
He called me twice yesterday, just to talk. The second time I told him again that I plan to keep both dogs. He said that's fine. Then I started in on him about why he was so deceitful, why couldn't he just be forthright with me, why did he have that OW coming into our house. He told me he was done, he was packing up my things and would ship them up here. He said I have never been happy with him and he couldn't take the craziness any longer. I said fine, let's not speak for the next three weeks. Both of us are just reacting with emotions, let's cool off and think about what we really want. He is going to come up here and talk to me in person in three weeks. I don't think anything will change, but I plan to lay some boundaries: 1) I want you in my life as my H. If you want to have a life with me and the dogs, you will give me access to your phone records, email, FB etc, and agree to have no contact with OW. 2) You will agree to us spending two weekends a month together while you are still in school. 3) You will attend MC with me, and we will do a weekend MC course over Christmas.
I doubt very much he will agree to any of these stipulations, so I am on the lookout for my own apartment.
For the first time in seven months, I feel in control, and it feels GOOD. I am scared still, but it's better than feeling hopeless. I'm getting my finances in order, budgeting and thinking about ME first this time. I'm not scared to be alone, because being alone is better than being treated like garbage. I have a lot to offer someone and maybe in a few years someone will come along, but I'm not on the lookout. I miss his family terribly and it's heartbreaking to think I won't spend Christmas with them. It's heartbreaking to know that we probably won't ever have a family together, like I had always dreamed. So surprising how drastically people can change. I even said that to him, I miss the old H. I know I made mistakes, I know I wasn't patient, I was resentful, inconsiderate. But I have done a lot of work on myself to change that, I felt like I was making strides. Learning of the A set me back, and I did unleash my fury on him :-)
To all the newbies on here, the sooner you stand up for yourself, the better. However, no amount of advice is going to make you do it, honestly, it's a personal journey and you'll know when you're ready. There comes a point where you realize that ANYTHING is better than your present situation. Even a dumpy one bedroom apartment with very little furniture and two smelly dogs. It might be gross, but it will be MINE and I will have my self worth and self esteem, which is worth a lot more than a fancy condo, nice car, plasma TV and a kitchen aid mixer.
Good luck to all...I'll keep you guys posted on my sitch, but I'm certain it's headed toward the big D.
Good luck to all...I'll keep you guys posted on my sitch, but I'm certain it's headed toward the big D.
Asher, you never know what your future will bring. Many, many marriages (including mine) have survived these kinds of tough times -- things that SWORE would break you, and yet they didn't. Even people that DIVORCE -- about 20% of them -- remarry, usually reporting that the new marriage is healthier and happier than ever.
Just treat your husband with civility and grace during this period; it will serve you well should you two decide to try and reconcile.
Remember, "letting go" doesn't have to mean "giving up."
Starsky, Thanks for your kinds words. I hope that there is a chance, but it looks bleak, and I'm not basing my self worth on it.
In the summer when I was feeling particularly desperate I actually went to a fortune teller. Totally hoaky, I know ... and so unlike me...so you can understand my mental state at that time LOL.
At any rate, the lady told me that in my current R I had one foot in and one foot out, but that I believed in true love and I would have only one marriage because I believed in that marriage. She said my H was stubborn and arrogant (that's him to a T) but that within six months he would come around and that we would end up having three kids.
Well, I personally put more faith in the Big Guy upstairs than I do in Madame Ruby over on the boardwalk, but He says pretty much the same thing too: "Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen."
Well, apparently NC for three weeks is tougher for H than me LOL. Just got back from a big walk with the dogs and was thinking about what I was going to do this weekend, I get a text from him asking if I saw his sister's tattoo. I guess I still hold some power over him and he's missing me :-) Feels good to be the strong one for once.
