Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Living Like Roommates

Punchy, you've got the right idea, but you're leaving out your 180.

What is it that she used to be attracted to in you, but has changed now? What has changed in her life?

Also, when she is giggly, what is making her laugh? What is her desired self image that you can be part of, support?

My 180 is to become the nice guy that she fell in love with. Over the years I have become a grumpy and angry person. Over the past year I have made huge improvements in how I interact with her and our kids. She also liked my sense of humour which has been difficult to bring out given where things are. At between us. What makes her laugh is anything that doesn't come from me.

Well, I think you've got. Change back.

Any advice out there with respect to snooping? This is the one thing that I am having a hard time letting go of. I don't ask any questions about her whereabouts but do check her BB when I get the chance. I just don't feel that I can trust her based on her previous actions re the EA with the guy from work. I guess what she does now is her business, but if she is going to stay in our house, I don't want her having her focus outside of the home.

How does it make you feel?

Detached or upset?

Listen to your pain it will guide you through this.

You'll touch the burner as many times as it takes.



You can't control this...

So it is up to you what you want to do with it.

Don't do anything from emotion or spite.

Set boundaries for you not to control.

And makes sure you can enforce them.

Now what about this can you really enforce?

And what would the man you want to be do?

What step can you take for you right now?

It's called an open marriage, there are some people who like that sort of thing but by the sound of things you aren't one of them.

I personally don't like the idea of the open marriage. I think this is what I find most frustrating about my WAW. She doesn't want to work on improving the marriage, doesn't want a divorce but she see's nothing wrong with getting her emotinal needs met outside of the marriage.

Thought I would post an update today regarding my live-in WAW. have been suspicious of her behavior for the past year and had previously thought she was involved with an OM from out of town. I have been checking her work BB periodically and noticed some very cryptic emails from a mail co-worker.

I checked again today and there was one last week from indicating that he missed her etc. I decided to call her on it this afternoon and asked what was going on with this guy. She confessed to an EA but denied a PA. Personally, I don't believe her. I basically told her in a nice way that either she stays and works on the marriage or she can request a divorce. I said that I don't want a divorce and am prepared to work on the marriage, but if she is not prepared to work on it then she needs to decide. I told her that she can't be half in and half out and that I won't tolerate her EA etc.

Not sure where this is going, but I feel pretty good about myself. I felt that she needed to know that I knew that something was going on and that I felt that it was unacceptable. Better to have your pride than nothing else.

If it ends in divorce, so be it. It can't be any worse than the life I am currently living that is full of deceit and lies and void of any love or caring.

Further Update:

Spoke with my WAW this morning before work about the OM. I know we are not suppossed to initiate discussion around the relationship, but we did have a good talk, I think. I wanted to make it really clear to her that I did not think it was appropriate for her to be seeing the OM and still living in our house. Through the course of our discussion she did say that she has seen a huge improvement in me re being a nicer person and a better father. We talked about doing what is best for the kids and agree that we don't want a divorce. The challenge still remains that she says that she can't go back to loving me again. I told her that having the OM in the picture doesn't help the situation. She then stated that he has been encouraging her to sit down with me and talk things out and identify what further changes she wants to see in me to improve the marriage. (I find this statement hard to believe!) Anyways, will keep plugging away and try to stay away from any more relationship discussions.

You can find many posts here on the board where the WAW will claim the OM is just a good friend, and then go on to claim that he was even encouraging her to stay in the M.

This is the part that you can't believe anything they say.