Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers here again from piecing

I have changed over the years and W sees that and admits that, but only looks at the negatives from years and years.
She just asked me whats going on? I guess she expects me to take all the steps for the divorce.

What were her complaints in the past?

Bobby-

Reread 'coming out of the dark' threads by Jamesjohn....in fact...read everything you can get your hands on here by Jamesjohn. Also KentS (harder to find). Reread shinybear's threads Tips (Piecing)....I think you will get a better mindset/direction.

all the best,
sg

Read that part again, several times if necessary, understand what's happening behind that statement.

You changed and your wife even admits it,
so basically you corrected several behaviors that she says were bothering her, she might have even said they were the reason why she is leaving you. But if you fixed those behaviors and she admits that herself, then is it possible that those are still the issues she was leaving you for to begin with?

They are excuses to rationalize her behaviors, otherwise she would have no reason not to try again.

Concentrate on what else she told you:



That's the real reason why your changes didn't make a difference in fixing your marriage problems, there were other more powerful reasons to leave you, ie. another man.

Let her go.
Pursuing a woman who doesn't want to be with you is extremely unattractive, she is trying to tell you that she doesn't want to be with you because she wants or wanted to be with someone else she was interested in. She didn't want to be graphic in her response to you because she felt guilty enough as it is and tried to deflect that guilt by blaming specific behaviors on your part but what happened when you changed and removed those reasons she came up with?

Nothing happened.

She still doesn't want to be with you.

That is reality, when a spouse is interested in someone else, when they have fallen in love with another person, are sexually attracted to someone else, they will come up with all the reasons in the world as to why they can't be with you anymore.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

"We grew apart"

"You do this, that and the other and I don't like those things"

"We settled for each other"

"We married for the wrong reasons"

"We have too many years of negative history"

"You don't let me spend enough money"

"You never bought us a big house, fancy cars, we never went on fancy vacations regularly, etc."

"It's not you, I just don't feel like having sex"
(and then you find out about the affair and sexual relations with someone else, so it had nothing to do with with low sex drive in general just not sexually attracted to you when they are thinking of the other person)

Lots and lots of excuses and ton more where they came from but usually hiding the real reasons they're too guilty to admit and would rather deflect the guilt by blaming you to make themselves feel better about what they're doing and feeling.

To answer a couple of questions. She isn't involved with anybody else.
Her complaints were that basically that she reached out to me years ago for reassurance and I didn't respond now I have been and it's too late.
My thought now is if she wants D why is she leaving it up to me to do all the work when I'm not the one seeking it.
I don't beg, plead. I do my own thing and don't bother her about what shes doing.I don't bring up R talks. I've been on the look out for a house so I don't miss out on what I'm after.But my L said not to move out at this point.

So she just says stuff like she's going to pursue a relationship with someone else just for conversation sake?

'its too late' = I found someone else (usually anyway)

Be wary. You may be dealing with more than you realize here.

I am always amused at a WAS reaction to the "changes" that they claim they wanted to see from the LBS.

When you "change," they get mad because they have to think up another excuse to leave.

Yep. My H told the whore he was pursuing that *I* was acting like an alien, and he journaled about how angry he was with me for changing.

Were there things I needed to change that probably led us to the point he was susceptible to becoming attracted to another woman? Absolutely. It didn't excuse his behavior, however.

I made up my mind that I would fix every single complaint he had about me so he couldn't use that as an excuse to leave. If he was going to leave, he was going to have to man up and do it without cause. It helped that he really is the "good guy" and would have died to have had to admit to anyone that I'd done the work and he left anyway. That personality trait worked in my favor. His family was also aware of all the work I did and were friends to the marriage.

SD

Thanks for the replies. I don't agree that someone else is involved. 1. she is home too much 2. If I were invovled with someone else I would take the steps to get the D started.
I've known her long enough to see the depression in her. She's not sure that will make her happy in my opinion.
If she does the work to get the process started I'll sign the papers, but I've worked to hard on this M to initiate D.