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Hey Irish,

I am sorry but I messed up and posted on Seeking's thread for you.

It was truly meant for you and all who chose to read it though.

IB - I also wanted to add that my first e-mail came in April of 2008. Some days I feel like I've come a LONG way, and other days I feel like an utter basket case---as if it was that day 2 1/2 years ago (2 1/2 years!!)DO NOT beat yourself up, take more blame upon yourself than you should (we all have some blame in this)or let this defeat you. We all get through this in our own time. Some that find this site seem to be able to rebound very quickly, but there are those of us (like me) that take a LONG time to get it - and a LONG time to heal. Let yourself feel the pain and then start the healing.

Hey I give you my support too. I felt like I was reading an email from my H there for a second. I think the sort of business-like tone is their effort to try to act detached/unemotional, at least my soon to be exH says that's what he's done when he has sent emails just like that to me. He claims that he "has to" sound so detached that it comes off as callous because he can't let me see him be emotional at all, which he says he is, but just not to me, because in his words, he's "afraid I might read too much into his emotion or get some kind of false hope from it" and so he's just thinking of me when he writes that way.

Well it's bs, they are more about protecting themselves than us at this stage, and that detached tone, almost like a business letter, is their way of acting like they have all their ducks in a row and are 100% sure of what they're doing. They're not. Don't be saddened or hurt by it. They aren't rational.

The one who is rational is you. You have the power to NOT react to that email or to temper your reaction. That means a lot. And you said you were "humiliated". Please don't be. There is NO REASON IN THE WORLD for you to feel humiliated. Don't let his actions color who you are.

Oh another thing, you said all those years came down to this one email. I said the same thing many times about my marriage. But you know that is HIS version of events. The WAS I think likes to try to tie it all up in a neat little package to make it seem like all those years can be ended very abruptly, succintly, even amicably. But that's a huge oversimplification. Again, this is his way of trying to act like if he just treats it as a simple thing, it will be, FOR HIM. But it won't be. This is where they are deluding themselves.

The more I go through this process, the more I feel like the pain and anguish we LBS-ers go through is going to hit the WAS's at some point. They will face the same thing. It's coming for them. They can try to rationalize or avoid it a long time, but eventually, it will catch up with them. The thing is, that if we play our cards right and work actively at healing ourselves and picking ourselves up, and I think if we're on this board, we show that we are committed to that route, our pain has the potential to go away and eventually end. With the WAS, unless they put the effort in that we are now, theirs has the potential to go on a much longer time.

So chin up, we all support you.

IB,

What Antonia said is right on. Their business-like tone, like most things they do, is a facade hiding their true emotions. My H sent me a similar email where he in a business-like fashion discussed moving forward with our separation agreement. Only now do I know, because he's told me, that any time he'd look at the paperwork he'd get an anxiety attack, have to take Xanax, and then he'd curl up into a bawl in bed and stare at the ceiling.

As much as it hurts to hear, you have to keep the focus on you. Let HIM do the work on any D. You continue to concentration on GAL and becoming a better more improved version of yourself. (((IB)))

So I did respond - for better or worse. I know some may disagree with it - but I felt I had to respond. I tried not to be too emotional or needy. I just have to hold onto my core - it's not popular I know - but this is who I am and what I value. Thank you all for your feedback and support today. Unbelievably grateful!

You need to do what you need to do.

I do not plan on signing a divorce agreement because I have not changed my beliefs about divorce and I do not want our kids to ever believe I gave up on or was not willing to work on our marriage. In my belief system the lack of desire, lack of faith, lack of love or feelings do not constitute valid reasons for breaking what I consider to be sacred vows. Believe me; I have done a lot of soul-searching over the last 9 months. And while I know I have plenty of reasons to end this marriage – I find that I cannot lose my faith and convictions. I know you have said that I am too stubborn and I assume you believe that this is another attempt to control you – but I can’t change what you choose to think about me. In addition to my beliefs, I have been using any extra money I have available on repairing and maintaining the house. With the holidays coming up, I will have a lot of extra expenses. This divorce is not just ending a marriage – there was a family that was created as a result of the marriage – I feel responsible to maintain as much of the structures and traditions that have been important to the kids.

Good luck to you with your move. Feel free to set up a time to collect anything you want.

[b] [/

You know, in my opinion, you said what you needed to say. I wrote a similar email to my H. I think no one has the right to try to force us to abandon our faith in marriage if the vows truly meant something to us, and we have every right to communicate that to our WAS's. I think your email comes off as very strong and it shows you stand by your convictions and have a real plan to maintain things to the best of your ability for yourself and your kids. I don't see any pleading or begging or anything of the sort in there. I see a strong person.

My H has said to me many times that his callousness or detachment has been deliberate because he thinks it would be "easier for ME to detach from him if I could just learn to hate him instead of love him." I said "I think what you mean to say is that you think it would be easier for YOU to detach from ME if I just grew to hate you. Well, I'm not giving you that satisfaction, and I'm not making this easier on you. You can't control my emotions. Only I can."

I think this email to him communicates that you are free to think what you want and to continue to believe in marriage, and he cannot take that from you. Bravo.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.I know those words hurt a great deal.

We can give our opinions, but it is your life and you must do what you feel you should.

I just hope that you did not write that with the expectation that he would react favorably.

Be prepared for him to be angry because once again IB isnt hearing him.

So, now you said again your feelings on the subject. It is in writing. No need to say them again, right?

IB, I know that you cannot believe this is the man you married. And in many ways, it isnt.

But you love him. And since you do, you want him to be happy. So, now you need to let him figure this all out for himself.

There arent any words to him that will help it along. There arent any actions that will either. This is a journey and he needs to go through all the steps and do all the work if he has a chance of coming out the other side. You cant push him through, you cant change his mind.

Nor would you want to. Not until and if he is ready.

So, this is another part of the journey for you, too. Life throws us many curves. It's how we deal with them that makes all the difference.

Become the person you want to be. Who do you admire? Why? What traits do they have that you want to work towards?

This is an amazing opportunity. Sieze it. I promise, not matter what, you wont regret that you did.

B -

Please know that in no way am I expecting him to respond favorably - or to be honest - for him to respond in any way.

I have communicated very little with him over the last 3 months that he has been gone. I feel like I am trying to stand strong - truly not engage in battles - I just don't want to regret not standing my ground.

I know I am on a journey as well - I am letting myself feel the pain but not letting it immobilize me. Tonight I wanted to curl up in bed - instead I went to pilates class.

I will find my way through this!

IB, as I said, we all walk this in our own way. You must do it your way.

And good for you that you went to class. Sometimes you just have to push your way through.

So so Sorry you got that email. In his mind, I think, he was being as kind as he could be. I have to say, despite the content, his tone was not cruel. It was as warm as it could be, given the givens. He even apologizes and it sounds credible.

Your response has already been sent, so there's no point in me commenting but I hope you know you can NOT stop the divorce. He seems to be divorcing you. A divorce not something YOU "give" to him, as the old laws and some TV shows (out of date shows like Dynasty wherein Joan Collins screams to her TV h that she will "Never give" him a divorce....) say. Today, it's the states that grant marriage licenses and divorces, not spouses...sorry.

So now he may serve you papers at work, in front of your co-workers? Or at home in front of your kids? I mean, you CAN make this a tad easier on yourself without feeling as if you've "caved in". You may even be able to "waive' service and simply acknowledge that you got them without the formal process.

Standing for your marriage does not mean standing still or pretending it's not happening. I understand you want HIM to do the div work. But well, he's trying. I'm not sure what your goal was with the reply or refusal to answer his question about service of papers. (Yes I'm a L so I want you to think about that part sometime soon. Do you want the kids to see it? Or workers? There's NO "good" place to get this type of letter but there are worse places so think of which is less horrible).

I could be wrong, but I want to toss out an idea. Why not get out of his way so he can stop blaming you for stopping his happiness? The more you question his choices or make him think you are slowing down HIS happiness, the more he defends the choices and projects his misery onto you. What if you were not "in the way" of his happiness, and yet he wasn't suddenly deliriously happy? Gee, what then? Might he get a tad reflective? Might he finally look in the mirror and say "where's all the joy that I expected?"

Just a short while after I got out of my h's way, within a few months of his absence, it seemed, he wondered where everyone was. And he began to call me...daily, sometimes more than daily. Lots of things finally seemed to occur to him after all my resisting. I recall that cliche, "what we resist, persists"....perhaps you could Stop resisting. See what happens.

It's Just a thought. Again, sorry for your pain. A second idea-- THE 100 DAY PLAN....
What if??? What if you Try to do 100 days of GAL/PMA and just getting thru it. Then you can see if there's any change on either end, or if you even want to do another 100 days in increments. 100 days is a manageable amount of time, for you, and enough time to assess things. So, Support your son as best you can b/c HE is hurting and if he sees you GAL thru all this, HE'LL be able to better do that and not lose a year of his short youth, in pain. (Just went to my high school reunion and met some people who said they partied too much in high school b/c of what their parents were going through...who knew? They became drunks, then recovered if they were lucky and many are in their 2nd or 3rd marriages. ALL of them say that the divorces affected them but they also survived. One good friend said "my parents div and it was FINALLY the best thing that ever happened to my mom. She went back to school and got her master's and became an ABC and now has her own business and ..." happy ending... Hey, it happans. It's up to you, honestly. We're not lying.

You'll be teaching your son that when he faces his own heartbreak or setback, which he will, he'll know that the pain is deep but not fatal, and lasts awhile but is not eternal...don't you forget any of that. You can do more than survive but happiness is your choice. Don't give your h any more power over your happiness than he already has had. Please....life is too short. Do the 180s that make you happy. GAL, call a DB coach, see your T, whatever it takes. But do not despair. It helps NO ONE, least of all your marriage, and it hurts you and your son even more. Your Life will get better. This, I know for sure.
j