Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Always and Forever??????

IB,

I think you're getting a lot out of this site and that's great. I did too. Yes I've got 2 family members who div and remarried. But that's SO far ahead of you and frankly, not that likely. Why spend ANY energy on it at all?
Remember, your time should be spent ONLY on YOUR life and YOUR Children's. Zero on him. ZERO!!

I think 2 other comments are in order, and of course, feel free to ignore if you wish.

First, why would YOU ask HIM what HE wants or thinks is fair as far as legal and financial matters? He has no idea what's fair, and that task is NOT something you will "win" on. Why? B/C either you will roll over so you don't make him "mad at you" (b/c then what would he do? Leave you? OH wait he ALREADY has left you) b/c I can tell you still want to please him, even now.

OR, instead of rolling over, you might assert yourself and try to get what's actually fair, which will infuriate him. Gee, that sounds appealing.

So hire a L and let the L do their job! The ugliness of div is best left to the L's. That's why you hire them and that's also, incidentally, the most conflict free way to do it, which MIGHT remove an obstacle to reconciliation WHILE also protecting your interests. "Blame the L's" so you remain separate & apart from the dirty business, at least in his mind.

Plus, If you Don't get mixed up in it you won't spend any of your time and energy on it. You know you have to hire a L anyhow, at some point, why not now? Frankly, knowledge is power, many of your fears could be allayed. Plus you may do well to have a L who makes the true cost of divorce known to your h as soon as possible. I seriously doubt he knows what's coming.

Last, your signature says his "MLC" has been since '04? There are many who say MLC's last years, and I don't necessarily disagree. But what's the point of that label at this stage of things?

How long does one wait? That's a chunk of your m. I don't want to hear about "Standing" from people who are standing still. They literally think if they do the ostrich thing (put their head in the sand to avoid reality), call it "MLC" and just pray, all will be well. It might be well in their souls, b/c hey, prayer has some power. But it does not bring about change in THEM if all they're doing is praying for his return, nor does it usually trigger a change in the M dynamic, so the M stays the same and the chance of true recon and restoration of that same marriage, is remote.

And this much time in "MLC" could well be a sign of something else, difficult to face but needed. Your h's behavior has been evolving or devolving, into more and more selfish, "sick" behavior for 6 Years now...and finally it has culminated in his filing for divorce. It's a path he has been on for a long time and he's not necessarily on a round trip. It looks more and more like his trip is one way.

If I were you, I'd lose the MLC label for now b/c I truly think you're using it as a crutch and it's holding you back. Assume he's GONE and you must move on as if he died in '04 b/c in a way, HE did....so how about no more diagnosing him either. No more mind reading...please. It's SUCH A WASTE AND LIFE IS SO SHORT...you only get one life on this earth.

So now what? Moving forward does not mean giving up. But you must move forward. And hire a L if you have not already. Don't tell me you cannot afford one b/c honey, you cannot afford NOT to hire a L....(IOW, don't be penny wise and pound foolish.)

Good luck,
j

25 -
I don't disagree with your position here. Probably haven't internalized all of it and am spending more time acting "as if".

Why am I wasting time trying to "understand"? - Why am I leaning on the MLC diagnosis or whatever? Probably to avoid feeling so f'ng lonely. Not many things my H has done are "normal" to anything. 3 counselors admit this is not "typical" - When he turned 40 his world turned around - quit coaching, lost somewhat his "identity" as the "star". The porn entered his world two years later and then progressed to the addiction....NOTHING was off limits. Almost lost his job, almost arrested...

So...why did I stay? Sickness/Health - Better/Worse - you know the drill. I agree with you - he is DONE. He's not coming back. His is a one way trip. Maybe I'm struggling because of the illness.

Bottom line - I have to begin building my confidence in my own instincts about how to handle things. Prior to this happening, I felt strength in my intuition and my ability to handle difficult situations. I have been changed by this experience. I have lost much of my confidence. I have turned to MANY others for advice. I have to begin to develop my confidence again - be true to myself.

You have challenged me greatly and I am very grateful.

I hear you IB, I really do. Yet still, instead of saying "in sickness and in health" and finding another reason to hang on, you need to assess where YOUR needs are not being met. You are lonely as heck. Your "m" is not making you happy and isn't likely to anytime soon.

You are hurt and losing hope and I'm not going to tell you "Oh since he's sick, you should wait." I think alcoholism is a disease and no one in Al Anon would say "stay b/c he's sick"... That's enabling, and it's not good for YOU.

I think you'll get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and then, so be it. You'll be alright. I think you know this.
Good luck

/

Thanks 25:) Love your straight forwardness!!!

Yes, still hurt. Yes, lost hope. Yes, he is sick.

More importantly - YES I will be alright!

Blessed in many ways - so very lucky.

Well put, 25. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think that is the way a lot of us feel on this Board.

Irish, you've had a rough week. Hope you have a pleasant weekend. If it's not happening itself, get out and MAKE it happen.

((hugs))

Thanks punkin. Plan on having a GREAT one - heading to Nashville with Ds and besties!

Rough night with S last night. Caught him in lie - happening a little too frequently lately. Let H know that girls and I headed out of town and that S would be staying with oldest Ds boyfriend. H responds "glad he has someone to turn to..." I will admit that I was disappointed that H didn't respond differently - "hey could S stay with me - this would be a good opportunity for us to hang..."

Please know - I'm just venting. This was not about expectations - it was just unnerving.

Did lead to S and I having a good crying session together - let him get some anger and frustration out - set up better boundaries. I love this kid - and no matter what anyone says - this situation has been an unfair blow to him.

Time for a nap before heading to Nashville!

Hey, I hear the Gaylord Opryland resort is re-opening (post flood) again soon this month. I always liked that hotel. Glad they rebuilt.

Sorry for your boy. As much as you can, privately ask H about more support emotionally, for your son FROM h. If h then says no, when he's been clearly asked, you'll discover more than if you mind read, or expect him to.

Good idea 25.

GREAT time in Nashville with my girls and best friends! Ton of laughs - great music - just super good time!

It has been a VERY long time!