you are preaching to the chior...I fully understand the lonly feeling of laying in a bed next to someone who seems like they are in another world all toghether. I understand the need to be desired. I understand your pain becuase I've lived it.
can you directly list what loving things your w does for you...not things that neccesarily make you feel loved but things that might be perceived as loving?
can you focus on those for a while and try not to focus so much on your way?
now you can go right ahead and say...but that's not going to get me anywhere and it's not going to work...but how would you know til you do it?
if you learn to speak her language without expecting that you will be repaid in your own language for doing so...you might see a softer w.
Poe, No I do not. I have not read that. I did buy the SSM book but I do not remember that being part of the book. Can you help me out here?
The more I can learn the better and hopefully I can get him to look at material. Unfortunately he doesn't put a whole lot of stock in "counseling". I personally think it makes him look a little too closely at things he'd rather not!
I also believe in many ways he has never been really motivated to get counseling because I have always been more than eager to work things out. Twice he has gone to ONE counseling session with me but as soon as I returned to the family home he refused to go back.
I have told him before that he, more than most people I know, could really benefit from counseling. He is an extremely private person and would find it very difficult to open up to a counselor.
Anyway, any help you can direct me to will be followed up on ASAP. Thanks Poe!
"The Five Love Languages" is a book written by Gary Chapman. It is very good at describing the 5 basic languages of love. What happens in most relationships is that the spouses give love in their primary love language. I believe thoses languages are, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and 2 others. What Chapman is trying to explain is that for love to be received by your spouse, it must be in THIER love language. So if your language is Physical Touch and theirs is Quality Time. you must concentrate on giving your spouse quality time, not SEX or intimacy. Now the trick is, how to get them to give you love in your love language(and that is one heck of a challaenge). The book is WORTH the read.
physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts.
The book does a very good job of explaining the five and helping you to figure out what your own are (sometimes we don't even know) and those of your spouse.
it can be helpful in learning to recognize that even though your spouse doesn't express love in your way they may still be expressing love.
The hard part (as cemar pointed out) is getting the spouse to speak your language or heck just allowing you to speak your own once in a while.
Poe, I have a question for you. I realize that you found the LL book after you split up with your wife. I am wondering, though, what things would have been different if you had found it prior to the breakup?
I ask this because, on one hand, you suggest reading this book to a lot of people, but on the other hand you say that your wife wanted 4 hour long sessions and that there was no way you could deliver it. (I believe you, btw, but I also believe that she was speaking out of anger/hurt and a desire to wound you and reject you, in the way that she had felt rejected--this was unfair of her)
So which is it? Does LL really work, or is there always going to be some extenuating circumstance which prevents us from TRULY speaking each others' language?
If you could go back, would you attempt to speak her language fully and completely? Now, notice that I did not say that you would give her everything she asked for. I think that people in long term relationships realize that they are not going to get everything they asked for. But would you give her everything you've got, and really try to meet her sexual needs? Or would you hold back because of feelings of insecurity or inadequacy (the 4 hour session, etc)?
My H still struggles to speak to my in my own language. I'm sure that Physical Touch is the hardest one for the partner to meet; I can certainly see how strange it would feel to touch and hold someone when you don't really feel like doing it. Unlike, say, something much less personal such as doing the dishes for an Acts of Service person.
I do believe that the language of physical touch is the hardest language to learn if that is not your primary language(in fact probably almost impossible for many ND spouses). Another problem with these love languages is that 4 of the 5 have ALTERNATIVE sources for fullfillment. This is a way for the LD spouse to survive a marriage that does not meet THEIR needs. The love language "Physical Touch" requires the FULL participation(and cheerfully) of the ND spouse. The ND spouse does not realize the HORRIBLE bind they put the HD spouse into, they literally FORCE THE HD SPOUSE TO CHEAT ON THEM. Read the Mid Life Crisis board, the so called Mid Crisis for men is really about men that have fallen victim to the temptation to have a Fullfilling sex life with someone else, literally their wives FORCED them into the arms of another. Don't get me wrong, their is a real thing called the mid life crisis, but I think this often gets confussed with men that are just trying to meet their own needs for sexual fullfillment, which is more of a SSM issue.
Quote: I think that people in long term relationships realize that they are not going to get everything they asked for.
I have never expected to get everything, BUT I DID EXPECT THAT MY WIFE WOULD BE THE SAME PERSON AS THE ONE I MARRIED. When you exchange wedding vows, you are literally promising to be the person you are on your wedding day to your spouse, FOREVER. Now, I can make accomodation for physical problems, but just losing your desire for sex to me DOES NOT QUALIFY as "In Sickness and in Health". God DOES NOT want people to be celibate! It specifically says that in the Bible. Each spouse is responsible for the other spouses body, and being ND is basically a SIN, since you are not taking care of the other spouses body. Like wise, not meeting the needs of the other spouse is also a sin.
Anayway, back to the love languages, if your spouse continues to show love to you in the WRONG love language, can you really be satisfied with that? I don't think so, especially for HD men.
Quote: BUT I DID EXPECT THAT MY WIFE WOULD BE THE SAME PERSON AS THE ONE I MARRIED.
I think this is an unfortunate expectation of yours. Everyone changes over a course of a lifetime. That is a part of life.
I think you are going to waste an inordinate amount of your time waiting for your wife to change so that you can be happy. Because if you can get her to change, then you don't have to challenge your own fears, your own belief system, and do whatever it is you need to do to make yourself happy.
What if your wife is perfect just as she is? She may not be perfect FOR YOU, so then what? What if it isn't your wife that is holding you captive, but your own fears and your own belief system? What would your life be like if you faced your fears head on and no longer allowed them to dictate you? What would your life be like if you woke up one morning to discover that your belief system was no longer valid? How might your life be different?
Hey buddy, HD men don't have any special hold on the feeling pissy cause your needs are not being met. HD females have just as hard of a row to hoe, and even harder in my opinion. But this is not a whining contest...:)
One thing I wanted to respond to is the not expecting your spouse to change. This is baloney. If you entered into marriage with the notion that your wife would be the exact same person at 25 (or whenever you married) as she is at 45 or 65, then you are the one to blame for your unhappiness. This is not even reasonable! People change and grow all their lives. I never expected my husband to stay exactly the same as he was (although I would LOVE it if he would magically turn into that guy again) but I do expect him to meet my needs, as I expect MYSELF to meet his. He doesn't have to be as horny as he was on our wedding day (banging my head into the keyboard as I type that) but I expect that he will desire me and want to be with me frequently.
I don't think it is the changing that bothers you so much. It is the fact that she changed and refuses to meet your needs AND SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT. The not caring will tear a person up inside. If she frequently showed some sign that it bothered her that you were unhappy and that she recognizes what she is doing, I'll bet you would have an easier time of dealing with it.
Have you ever expressed to her that her burying her head in the sand and pretending it doesn't exist hurts as much as the loss of sex?
