I was a communications major in college. So from the beginning I explained to BF that when I vented I wasn't looking for him to fix my problems, just to listen to me and offer his support through listening. And I would repeat this before specific conversations. He still had a problem with this for years.
Since you're a reader R2C I would highly recommend You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
One easy answer that always engages them. " And how does that make you feel".
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
Women talk about problems to vent/stress relief. Men talk about problems for advice/help.
So besides being a great listener what ups your catnip quotient?
Let your woman in your world, talk about your day. She's craving to know what is going on in your head. She wants that connection with you. We tend to get quiet when we have a problem and think. We also tend to think its a sign of weakness to let our woman know we are struggling with something. Let her in to your world, intomesee.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I feel like such a loser. How do you get so smart as coach? I so wish I was.
Do your homework. Listen to how women talk around you all day. Learn from the women here. Listen for the hints and find the true message. Her feelings are her feelings not your problem to fix. Validate. Don't match her feelings when they really swing (BFFs job), stay calm, poised and use humor. Practice. Stay playful. Share your dreams,goals,experiences, fears, and thoughts.
Experience is a great teacher.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
If you ever find yourself asking your woman questions about her mood while she is still in it, you are already on the wrong road. First, give her love through your eyes, touch, movement, and tone of voice. Then and only then, after the connection of love has been made, find out what remains to be talked about.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I've been fighting with Dr's & insurance companies for months on an ER visit for D14. Let's say I've been on the phone trying to work this out for 30 minutes. H happens to call just as I'm hanging up with them. He can tell I'm upset, he asks what about. I explain it to him. He can reply two ways.
One, (the way my H used to) he reminds me they're just doing their job, & that they have rules & regulations they have to follow & that he's sure it will all work out. Now I'm pissed at H.
Second way of responding (the way he tries to now) He gets pissed at THEM, with me. He takes my side. He tells me how unreasonable they're being & that he can't believe the idiots still have jobs. Now, he's on my side. I feel validated, supported, & understood. He & I laugh after a few minutes, we talk about other things & we hang up. I feel better after talking to him, than I did before. Get it ?
Now, apply it to your R. She's pissed at you. Do you point out you're just doing your job, you have policies & procedures, you're a man & that's how you work ? Or, so you say "gee, I never quite saw it that way, I'll think about what you're saying". You didn't say she's right & you're a total loser. You didn't disagree. You just validated & heard her.
THEN when the R is back on good, solid ground. You can equalize the power & start having agree/disagree conversations. They won't become fights (hopefully) because she knows that you have established a pattern of hearing & validating her in the past.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
