About the bottomless pit of my darling exhusband...he was the one that rejected me sexually, yet wanted to constantly be touching me but if it in ANY way turned sexual he would push me away and say I was a nympho. I know that he had MAJOR issues where his mother was concerned. She had left and he was looking for a replacement of his mother - not really a wife - and when I acted like a wife he would panic.
I know that every situation is different. Mine certainly was doussie. After awhile I couldn't stand for him to touch me because he would then push me away. My revulsion came as a learned response - he touched - I became sexual - he rejected. What a nightmare.
I am not that way with my husband now. I am an extremely affectionate person with him. I hug and kiss him all the time and he is ot a demonstrative person. He does not like to hold hands and will only tolerate it for a short duration. He is working on that but I know what it feels like to have a spouse not that interested in all the touchy feely things that make me happy!
I know what it feels like to not have my spouse touch me in anyway whatsoever. Before he started taking all of the medication I got all of my touch-feelies when we made love which was probably 4 times a week at least in the first 10 years we were married. He was constantly reaching out to "cop a feel" too. That was nice.
Now - we still have sex but not nearly as frequently as we once did and not with the same intensity most of the time. Occassionaly it is still very intense like Wednesday - yea for me!
I know that I sometimes withdraw from him after 2 weeks pass and sex has not been on his radar screen. That gets his attention for some reason.
2 weeks go by and you get a litle tense about the LACK of sex. I have had sex once in the last 3 months, and my wife made it seem like it was a bother to her, you know, we have sex aal the time by her standards. It really gets to me to know there are women out there that LIKE sex like yourself, and then to look at my wife and see the FRIDGID BITCH of the EAST. And no matter what I do, she is still the fridgid bitch.
we've run into each other before...so you know I do understand your plight...I've gone the three months before..heck I've even gone a year if you count pregnancies as h found that a time to stay away..grrrr...nothing like extra hormones for the already hd lady..to then have her h turn her down...
any who...my thoughts are this...what if..you stopped looking at your wife as a "fridgid bitch" simply because she's cold physically? is there a way for you to view her as a warm and loving person who simply isn't physical? does she do nice things for you? does she do anything for you? it is possible however no promises made...that if you stop viewing her as fridgid she may soften up a bit.
Hell, I've gone a whole year, and I don't even have a spouse to hold! I'm sure the OG is getting satisfied!!!! I think I'll go buy some new magazines tonight. These old ones are getting a little soggy!
Cemar, I agree with LL. I know I am not a fly on the wall of your home but does your wife give you love in other ways? My H is not demostrative but he does show me love in his own way and I am working hard at picking up the signals that he does send.
Such as: he calls me from work sometimes just to ask me what I am doing. Last year he started a Saturday night "take the wife out to dinner" thing. Most Saturday nights we go out to dinner just the two of us. Our youngest two kids are now old enough to stay by themselves for awhile without killing each other. They are 13 and 16.
He takes me for a ride on his Harley. He buys me things that he knows that I want. He now understands that I won't put up with baloney from his family (that was a big deal of contention between us years ago. His family can be the kings and queens of BALONEY.)
He thinks I'm a great cook. He tells me that NO ONE could take better care of him. All of these things tell me he does love me whether he actually touches me or not. YES, I would LOVE for him to be more touch-feelie with me but he just isn't.
He has also told me that he has told guys at work that he has the best wife in the world and wouldn't change for nothing. For him to say these things is like a hug to me. Is your wife giving you verbal hugs that you are dismissing? Does she think that you are the greatest thing since sliced bread? If she does - there is your hug - your touch - your kisses. Sometimes people can be all action and no substance. My ex was touchy-feelie and spouted off his love but his actions spoke louder than words. Look at your wifes actions - her actions may be different than yours but no less valid.
I know that going without sex for that long would drive me up the wall. The longest we have EVER gone without sex is about 6 weeks and that was because he was not here - he was working out of state years ago. While co-residing in the house about 3 weeks - that even includes after the kids were born.
Maybe I don't have a real valid gripe about my sex life compared to others. What I have told my H is that because he is not real affectionate that making love is where I get my "fix" of affection. I like to hold him, kiss him, and make love to him. My sex drive has not really changed in 20 something years.
The only time I can remember not really being that interested was after our first child was born. It took several months for me to get back up to speed but our newborn did not sleep EVER and CRIED day and night so exhaustion on both our parts was a factor.
Anyway - look for her own kind of signals. You may find that they are there. Expand on those, wine and dine her (I'm sure you have but I am just saying what I like)and take her dancing if she likes that. Dancing is such a friendly way to get your arms around her and hers around YOU!! I did ask my husband the other day to take TANGO lessons with me - it was a no go but it never hurts to ask!
Let me know if you think she has her own signals going on. I am interested to know.
First, my love language is physical touch. I am sure my wife wishes it were not. My wife now never initiates any contact with me, hates to kiss me, does not find me attractive(but I am for a 44 year old guy), does not want to be intimate with me in any way(on her own). She has TOLD me these things. I know that her love language has probably never really been physical touch.
She says that she wants a man that is confident in his marriage. I am not sure what that means, unless it means that she wants a man that KNOWS that he is loved, she does not want to work(sexually) to show it. It seems to me that many women like her, as they age, lose their desire for sex, have physical problems of menopause, and then want their husbands to ACCEPT them for this, you know, the old aurguments that marriage is so much more then sex(who needs it). I have seen many women on these boards literally say they want to be ACCEPTED. It seems then that what happens is that the husband and wife develope needs that OPPOSE each other. The husband has the need FOR intimacy and sex, while the wife has the need to NOT have sex and intimacy. He wants to be lovers, she wants to be companions. Being Lovers is a better and more advanced stage of being companions, so I find it hard to see why anyone would want to only be companions.
Sure, my wife COULD show love in other ways, she probably wants to love me in HER love language, she loves to talk. These can all be appreciated, but they do not register in my love bank. I would actually rather be alone then be with her, because she makes me even LONELIER then being alone. The sad thing is I love my kids, and really don't want to be away from them, so I struggle onward.
THe worst thing is I have been raised a good christian, and divorce is so opposed to my moral upbringing. I already feel like a failure because my wife does not desire me like the Bible says she should. The bible says that a women should LOVE to make love in many different ways with her husband so long as he meets her needs. It tells married people to NEVER be celebate. But it also tells men to love their wives NO MATTER WHAT. So it is a relationship, religion, ethical, moral problem that I face. And the last thing of all, is how hard it would be n the kids to go through divorce, and what kind of example is that for them?
If it was just me and the wife, I would have left years ago. But it is FAMILY now and how could I explain to the kids that Daddy is leaving cause he no longer loves Mommy, even though he WANTS to love Mommy. If my wife asks for divorce, I would probably be crushed, but in reality, it might give me freedom.
Question: If the wife asks for the divorce, and then the husband remarries, is he committing adultery according to the Bible, or do I have to stay single for the rest of my days?
you've kinda avoided the question but I'll take another stab at you just for the heck of it..
you say that physical touch is your primary love language..that's fine and understandable.
you then say that your w doesn't want to be intimate with you in any way.
do you understand that people view intimacy in different ways?
you say that your w loves to talk...
is it possible that w is being intimate or trying to be intimate with you through talk? otherwise known as quality time?
you say that you'd rather be alone than listen to her talk?
what if she'd rather be alone than be physically intimate with you?
this is why I asked you if w is warm and loving in "OTHER" ways than physical...what if you could try to actually appreciate and find some enjoyment in those ways? what if you could show her you are capable of also being intimate with her in those ways?
Do you think it possible that if you show appreciation for her way and try to speak in her way that she may be more accepting of your way???
after all right now she is rejecting your way of expressing intimacy and you are complaining about it calling her a frigid bitch, what if she's perceiving you as a cold hearted dog who just wants to get laid?
do you get where I'm trying to go with this?
keep in mind I am NOT some ld woman trying to convert you..I am a hd woman with a ld h who is dealing with the same issue only in reverse.
Cemar, I feel for you. I really do understand what you are talking about. I am myself 44 years old. Too young to act old in my humble opinion!
I too was raised a Christian. I was a Sunday School teacher when I was married to my Ex. It was an extremely HARD decision to leave him based on the bible. But after talking with several trused scholars they all said the same thing - my husband was holding back on me - in effect HE had broke our wedding vows but not relating to me in a Christian sactified manner. The grounds on a Christian basis also became adultry because after we seperated he started sleeping around. Talk about insult to injury - he did not want to be intimate with me (would make me dirty!) but he slept with every moving target in town. I was not amused. He took my hopes, dream, self esteem, heart, etc and that just burnt me up. Sometimes I felt like what was I? chopped liver?
I went to our apt. one day 3 weeks after I left and found a note from a girl that I knew on the dresser. She had spent the night. Wasn't that special. I went out that night with my step brother (I had not intended on doing so until the divorce but I thought why am I not moving on with my life when he was?!) and met the man that i married 3 1/2 years later.
You asked this specific question:
Quote: Question: If the wife asks for the divorce, and then the husband remarries, is he committing adultery according to the Bible, or do I have to stay single for the rest of my days?
You may end up with the same senario that I did - he took other lovers while we were married therefore adultry in the biblical since. Other way that I have looked at it all through the years is that this sin is no different then all the other sins we commit. God is a loving and forgiving God - not someone who can't wait to squash us for every sin - if that were so Moses wouldn't be in heaven now!
I am still a dedicated Christian. I teach an adult bible class. I know that God has forgiven me. God also wants us to be happy Christians.
But you still did not really answer my question. I asked if there were ways that your wife showed her love to you. You said she likes to talk - that is great - listen to her. Maybe tell her you will listen to everything she has to say if she is sitting closer to you. Baby steps sometimes are the ticket. Is there other ways that she specifically shows that you are important to her? That having YOU in her life is important to her? Does she think that no one else could be as good of a father to her children? Does she appreciate your sense of humor?
I am going to go back and read different threads that you have wrote to familiarize myself with your particular situation.
You did say something that intiqued me
Quote: . I would actually rather be alone then be with her, because she makes me even LONELIER then being alone.
I'm sure she senses this and that is not the way to win her heart and body and that is what you are after - her heart and her body! Make time for just her and start to try to enjoy her company for what it is - her compamy. Maybe she feels your tenseness and that causes her to withdraw even more from you.
I know that your situation must be fraught with tension and anger. I know if I was in your shoes I would feel the very same way but if you are going to stay with her it is counter productive. As I said I get annoyed if 3 weeks is approaching and we have not had sex. Sometimes I feel like he knows I am getting annoyed and he suddenly thinks "How long has it been - maybe that is why she is crabby!" and then we do make love. I know that I would like for it to be the way it used to be but I cannot make him feel the way he used to feel.
He is going to the doctor on Tuesday. I wanted to go with him but my supervisor is flying in to ride my territory with me. (I am an outside sales rep for Sherwin Williams so when my boss is on his way I have to be available.) But maybe it is better that I don't go. I want him to ask his dr. about a testostrone test and maybe he would be more open to discussing this with his dr. if I wasn't with him.
Sometimes I feel like a total witch about this sex thing. I know that Chrone's Disease is the pits for anyone, male or female, that has the misfortune to have it. My former supervisor had Chrone's and she said that it was a killer in all sorts of ways. Sometimes I feel like I am a horrible spouse for even suggesting sex to him.
I have discussed this with him and told him how bad it makes me feel when I ask for his attention and it is always a no. I have told him that I was going to change my ways and not ask anymore but he said he wants me to keep asking (I am a masochist-did I spell that right? I keep going back for more)because it keeps him from just fading away he says.
I was thinking he probably thinks I am a bottomless pit of need myself. That disturbs me too - I do not want to be another source of anxiety to him - just the opposite. I guess we all have issues!
So - let me know - what WAYS does SHE feel she SHOWS her love for you?
I will literally do ANYTHING if it will help meet her needs. I want her to be unbelieveable happy with me. If I have to become a better conversationalist, I will do that. What ever it takes. The problem is trying to get her to DESIRE me. I will have to make changes in me to meet her needs, and they won't be easy to do OR to maintain. I need some of MY needs to be met. My wife has a MILLION miles to go in this regard(and she used to meet my needs). Can I enjoy the things my wife does for me, yes. Anything she does for me would be appreciated. Can I go the rest of my life in a SSM. Possible, but it IS h#ll. THIS IS NOT THE WAY GOD INTENDED, and IS ACTUALLY A SIN ON BOTH SPOUSES. I think this is why I have seen some HD men seeking advice on drugs that will KILL their sex drives. Then they might actually be able to survive on their WIFES needs alone, but man that is not a good option. Husbands and wives are not meant to be roomates, they are meant to be lovers.
Can a man survive in marriage is his wife does not desire him. No! Being with a non-sexual women is incredibley lonely! I go to bed every night hoping that she will get in bed and just roll over and touch me. Instead, she gets in bed and turns her back to me an goes to sleep. Every person needs to be desired. Heck the LD spouse gets desired, because they get love in the ways that THEY want. To be undesired is to be a FAILURE. THe way I see it, I will work on my marriage, try to meet her needs, keep my emotions in check, raise my kids until they are older, like teenage, and then I will probably have to leave my wife and seek someone that can love me.
P.S. THe worst thing about my situation is that I have tried to explain the situation to my wife and my wife dismisses my aurguments. She truley does not understand the need for sex and intimacy with me. Of course she is just pissed at me for not meeting some of her needs that I don't seem to understand.
