Thanks for the great advice. I do know that she is communicating with him. On a rare occasion I was able to see some of their text messages. The interesting thing was that there was nothing sexual in the ones that I was able to read.
I did ask her once about the OM and the texting and that is when she mentioned that he is just a friend, but that he was interested in her sexually. She said that she made it pretty clear to him that to her position was that they were just friends but that he had a different approach. I also read a letter that he had written to her describing how my wife had shared very deep and personal information with him but there was no reference to any PA.
I agree with your position, that I find this whole thing very disrespectful and that having secrets is inappropriate. I would like to stay and continue to work on things, but not if she is going to keep him in and me out of her emotional contacts.
I would like to send a message to her that as long as she is living in our house she needs to respect what it means to be married and not be getting emotionally involved with other men.
Any thoughts on contacting the OM? Not sure if this would be a good strategy or not. He is married and indicated in his letter to my wife that he was unhappy with his marriage.
Then the other man is disrespecting his M as well. Many men use the "married, but not happily" as their tool in A's. It's like giving your W a pass to not feel guilty about breaking up his home.....since it wasn't a happy M anyway. Then if your W leaves her family in order to be with OM, he can use the fact that he's M and can't lose his kids.
Your W has told you that it's friendship on her side but that OM has made it clear he is interested sexually. That is a red flag and I don't believe a woman would pursue a so-called friendship when she knows the OM wants sex from her if she was on the up and up. She is getting a thrill from it, you can bet on that. It feeds her ego to know this OM is wants her.
I would not ask any more questions. I would tell her that it makes you feel dishonored for her to continue contacting a M man who has been clear about his intentions. This is no game she's playing.....it is her M and family at stake. (Sorry, I can't remember if you have children or not.)
If she is willing to break contact with OM and work to get the M back on track, then she should be willing to be transparent with any emails & TM and the passwords. If she isn't and says that you're controling and she needs her privacy......then be ready to tell her that you will therefore contact your lawyer.
Unless you want to continue with the ways things stand now. But if she isn't concerned about losing something......she will continue to feed the EA and it will get worse.
Again, do not reveal how you know any information about their TM.
The reason I said for you not to leave the house is b/c you are not the one who is having an A. If you have children, then you need to keep them there with you and be the very best dad you can be. If your W throws a fit about not contacting OM then you can tell her she has two weeks to find another place to stay and that you will help her pack.
If she needs money, then she can contact her lover and see how fast he wants to support her. If she starts putting pressure on him, then the EA will likely come to a hault. But as long as she can stay home and enjoy all the benefits there while she's having an EA, it could on for a long time.
But it's up to you how you handle it. I'm not putting any pressure on you. I'm just giving one example.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We get into EA not for the sex, but for the connection. No, don' t contact OM. She's got to break it off. Set your boundaries, be prepared to follow through with consequences you can live with. Try to rekindle YOUR connection when/ if you can.
Thanks for the great advice. I do know that she is communicating with him.
I did ask her once about the OM and the texting and that is when she mentioned that he is just a friend, but that he was interested in her sexually.
Then he is NOT a "friend." What friend tells you they want to do you? Makes no sense.
As LONG as she is in contact w/ you it's totally inappropriate and something IS going on, despite what she tells you.
I would tell OM's W about what's going on. She has the right to know as well that her husband is telling another woman he wants to have sex w/ her/ is "interested in her sexually."
Over the past year, I have tried to rekindle our connection, but I cannot get through her emotional wall. I always ask her how her day went, how she is feeling and is there anything I can do for her. She responds with very cryptic responses detached of any emotion or engagement. I will have to get her to cut-off the OM if I hope to have any chance of getting her back. Any advice re Going Dark and would that work in this situation? Would not engaging her in any conversation get her attention or simply drive her closer to the OM?
There is nothing wrong with, short-term, driving a cheating spouse and their OP closer together. Whether it's by revealing their affair, or by going dark or dim during LRT, what many people miss about this is that you're SUPPOSED to drive them termporarily together! It adds stress to their relationship, and increases their attraction to you if you're doing your GAL/180s correctly,and truly going dark or dim.
There is nothing wrong with, short-term, driving a cheating spouse and their OP closer together. Whether it's by revealing their affair, or by going dark or dim during LRT, what many people miss about this is that you're SUPPOSED to drive them termporarily together! It adds stress to their relationship, and increases their attraction to you if you're doing your GAL/180s correctly,and truly going dark or dim.
I have been focusing on the GAL and 180's. I have gotten back into Bodybuilding over the past year and go to the gym 5 times a week. II am thinking about competing next year if I continue to make progress. The OM is a typical overwieght guy with a big fat gut! Wife even commented that she thought his body sucked.
Have been working hard on the 180's. No more anger, always helpful and accommodating. I like the idea of going dark and showing her that I don't need her to be happy.
It takes their relationship out of the fantasy realm, and into the everyday, bad-breath, you-get-on-my-nerves realm. It makes them more like a "married" couple, at a time when at least one of them is running hell-bent AWAY from wanting to be a married person.
It's actually all spelled out by a noted infidelity author, but if I posted it -- or even referred to it -- I'd just have my post deleted, and possibly get b*nned.
