"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks so much for spending the time to post. Your advice and comments are spot on to what feels right on what I should be done. I am going to start a no snooping pact and do my best to do it. I see have experienced your point of once you have info, what do you do with it. It just makes me more resentful, when I need to try and be positive and get thru this and give it time to heal or dissolve. But I can't look back and think that I pushed her away from my snooping and reading into stuff. I can totally relate to the paralyzed comment at work. I spend way to much time and energy trying to figure her out and make her feel and think the way I want her to. Definitely a lost casue though as of course you can't control how someone else feels or how they act. Thanks for helping remind me of that.
Have a great Turkey day and hopefully some time off.
Over the last few years what else did she complain about? Specifically complaints about YOU.
You answered…. [quote]She never really complained about anything. She just has always been a frustrated and annoyed person pretty much her whole life. It isn't just with me, but with almost everyone. I think it would bother her then when I would try and cheer her up or try and help her figure out what is wrong. Her family does have medical depression in it, but she won't look into that.
FTR, the question was intended to identify things that maybe YOU need to work on. BUT from reading your response I kinda came to the following:
a. you either have done nothing wrong that she complained about, which honestly I find difficult to accept. b. I noticed a lot of “she”, “her” in your response, which lead me to believe that YOU feel like the victim c. If she has been miserable her whole life and towards everyone, why did you stay married and 2) do you really want to be married to her and if so, what does that say about YOU.
I’m not trying to be an ass John, just pointing out what I see in your response.
No problem, I'm looking for some feedback and appreciate your opinion. I never really stood up for myself and my needs and just was a servant to my wife. I know I had and still have my flaws and am working on a few of those. One flaw being I tie too much of my happiness to hers and I always had an emotional rollercoaster because of it. That wasn't fair to her or me. Definitely trying to detatch and not need anyone else as much for my well being.
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I have the book Divorce Busting, should I read Divorce Remedy instead? Any other recommended resources?
I would pick up the Divorce Remedy and read it oh…say about 3 times. Especially the section on mid life crisis. In addition, I will see if Cadet can post links to the resource threads. I suggest you read all of them several times.
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I know I should at least get a life.
Don’t let fear stop ya. Go get a life buddy. I would recommend that you avoid the old hanging out until the wee hours of the morning and coming home totally chit faced. JMO.
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I am nervous though to be in fun situations with women as I know I am very messed up inside and hurting and am afraid I will fall into the same trap.
What trap is that? Do you mean an affair? If you do, then maybe you do have something to work on. Maybe you need to work on controlling your emotions. Feel nervous around women ya say…hey so do I. Doesn’t mean that you cannot go out with Men (and no I don’t mean like really go out with a man  ) Agreed, men for company only! I just never put myself in the bar scene without my wife and don't want to become too close of friends with a woman right now as I think that would cloud my thoughts and judgement.
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I also am worried this will just encourage my wife to just go out more as at least now she feels some guilt.
If ya think Guilt is how ya want to KEEP her…think again. Would you like to remain in an R because of GUILT. Sound a little controlling if ya ask me. Hey, controlling…another thing that ya may want to work on.
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I know I need to do something different though as what I am doing isn't working because I feel like crap most of the time.
GALing will help. Do something that does not make you feel like crap.
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I always felt that a good father, husband, and man doesn't have time for a lot of friends and hobbies, but that doesn't seem to be working too well for me right now...
“when I knew better – I did better”.
If something is not working for YOU john – CHANGE IT.
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my response to the question of could you keep the house..
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I probably financially could, but not sure I would want to. It is her beautiful dream house and I do enjoy it, but for me I don’t need all of that to be happy. I would probably easier on the kids though to keep it if it comes to that.
1) If you enjoy it why leave? 2) If it is better for the kids – why leave? 3) If you can afford it – why leave?
If you answer any of the question with…”cause she wants me to” – it is the wrong answer.
Some of it is that she would want me to. But a big part is that I would have a lot more financial options by not keeping the house. Huge house, still have some debt on it with a payment. Could get by with less and do some soul searching and work less because of the decreased debt. I guess I'll tackle that one if it ever comes to that.
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That I have been a doormat.... Reflecting on things is powerful but sucks.
John, see your doormat comment up there ^^^^ . Read it again and then tell me why would YOU even consider leaving the house again.
I'm not sure I know what you mean? I'll give you more background. I thought I was being a perfect husband by giving my wife whatever she wanted and going along with mainly her wants in life. When we built our house it went so smooth because I just let her pick everything out. I lived my life under the quote 'if momma isn't happy, no one is happy'. How wrong is that now looking back? I gave her almost everything I am and have and obviously it isn't enough. I now realize that isn't what a marriage should be built on. I need to do things for me. But at the same time, both spouses should be giving to one another for it to work. If one is a giver and the other is a taker, it ends up in a ton of resentment.
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I know I need to try and have patience and give it time.
Time is on YOUR side. You will see that when you read the DR book and the resources.
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I just feel so disrespected, unappreciated, and unvalued.
Disrespected is state of mind THAT YOU allow yourself to feel. And FTR, I am sure that your W feel disrespected but chances are she can’t say that to you – YET!
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I am so mad and hurt that I am having a hard time understanding how a person can do that.
You will be surprised what some people can do. Do you think that you can control what another person does? Who do YOU control?
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It feels like your getting dragged thru hell over the last 7 months or so and counting.
Welcome to the world of MLC hell. 7 months ain’t chit…your just starting…
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In some ways I just want closure and move on because I'm hurting so much
CHOICE…what does this word me to YOU? Oh…and FTR, your ready to move on in 7 months? Sure about that?
I'm not sure what I mean either. I just want to get away from the situation that makes me feel so bad. Patience isn't one of my strong virtues. I also am a typical man that tries to fix things including my spouse. It gets frustrating when you know that there is nothing for me to fix except me. I guess just writing that makes more sense and gives me something to go on....
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I also know how bull headed she is and doubt she is willing to make very many changes.
1) You can make changes and 2) never doubt someone else ability to change and 3) I bet she says the same about you. Do you think she is right?
Oh and re: snooping. I can tell you not to but your gonna do it anyway…but I tell you not to anyway.
Do not snoop.
Why?
It is controlling (especially if ya get caught and trust me you will get caught)
It will hurt YOU (and if you ever want a shot to recon – trust me ya don’t wanna know)
It is energy and time spent on HER when you could spend it on YOU.
God Bless, Eric
Thanks for the time you spent in the response. The feedback is helping. I am going to try my best to not snoop as I agree it just seems to do more damage and mess with my emotions even more.
I ordered the book Divorce Remedy and should have it in time to read this weekend. I'm sure I'll be back for more advice, thanks in advance for your replies. I have a few questions on detatching/180. If I normally am seeking attention from my wife by being the one to start conversations, sitting on the other end of the couch by her versus across the room, putting my hand on her when we sleep, etc... Do I stop doing all of that even though I really want and need that, especially now. I know her heart isn't into me right now, so not sure why I even seek that. I just don't want to be without even small amounts of affection as I am afraid she may be ok with that.
I ordered the book Divorce Remedy and should have it in time to read this weekend. I'm sure I'll be back for more advice, thanks in advance for your replies.
The MLC archives is a great place for your head to be on a long , quiet weekend....
This is just my personal opinion, but I think once they have chosen to be gone, it's entirely unproductive to try to satisfy your needs through them.
If she is softening towards you, if she is giving signs of wanting to establish a closer relationship, that's one thing. But if she's still in the mode of doing her own thing, and only sticking around for circumstantial reasons, she most likely wants little to do with you.
Trying to get attention from someone who is not interested looks and feels desperate. Desperate is not attractive.
You seem to realize that you have some issues that you need to address. Some of what you've written sounds a bit like co-dependency, though I hate using some of the easy lingo from around here. In any good marriage, I think there is a closeness that can look a bit dependent, but is really nothing more than the natural joy we take in being with and caring for our spouse. But if you are thinking your attachment to her is too dependent, you now have time to begin thinking about how to fix that.
I'll agree with others that as long as you continue to strive to see the relationship healed, there is no place for involving yourself in situations with members of the opposite sex that could head in the wrong direction.
I found it easy to find male friends who were willing to spend some time out everyonce in awhile. You should be able to as well.
Solidfy the man you are. Recapture the man that your wife fell in love with. Even better, reclaim the good and attractive parts and find out how they have improved with age and experience.
Strive for consistency and integrity. Don't lie to fulfill a "strategy" or do things you wouldn't normally do just to provoke a response.
Keep expressions of your feelings to a minimum, but if the situation arises do not hesitate to speak your heart plainly and simply. Don't embellish, don't allow yourself to tread into what sounds like beggingor pleading.
Also, do not allow your faith to become a club that you use on your wife. Your faith is for you, and it will bring you peace and comfort if you nurture it. But what you've found is for you, and you cannot and should not expect your wife to either appreciate or share it's place in your life.
You love this woman. Well, remember that actions speak louder than words. And remember that actions come in two forms - affirmation and insistence. Affirmation that you love her, that you can heal from these wounds, and that you are committed to rebuilding a healthy marriage. Insistence that your love for her precludes others, and that you cannot be a part of a relationship that is not exclusive.
It's a dificult tightrope to walk, but these at least are some of the things you should consider striving towards.
This could be long and will likely be painful. Expect to be surprised and prepare yourself to handle those surprises. In everything remind yourself to be the man of integrity and consistency.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
On snooping-The squeeze is definitely not worth the juice. The biggest problem with snooping is the human condition. That is because you will see/hear/find what you fear the most....no matter what you find. Example-She goes out to lunch with the girls. You see the debit off the account at 2....by 5 you know she had lunch with the OM. After your stressful ride home from work you are angry and out of control....over a lunch out with the girls. What you find may not always be what you think it is....more often than not it is something totally different....The Human Condition.
There are books on co-dependence....I would recommend getting one. As Bworl noted...all marriages are dependent to a point. It is hard to identify over dependence, but one worth the work.
If you were to snoop it must be done with NO EXPECTATIONS. That is almost impossible to do. In LFW example no matter what you think has happened, you do not KNOW so it becomes an expectation no matter whether it is good or bad. So it is easier not to snoop because when you do, you will end up with an expectation and that is a golden rule that we must not break.
