lol--the good news is I haven't been pathetic in years.
You are handling your family very well....that's just beautiful! Taking the high road is the right thing...it IS hard...but definitely the right thing!
I have a lot of confidence in you!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Yesterday I bounced a loan payment.. not intentionally, my husband was 'supposed' to put his share of the loan into the joint account. We're a bit financially strapped right now so I don't have enough to have a buffer to cover bounced items. Anyway, he mails me the day the payment is due claiming he can't afford to pay me for half the household expenses.
He is in the mind set that I 'owe' him because he helped me out in the early stages of our marriage, although I keep reminding him that it is his decision to leave and we no longer have a future together so I don't feel like I should continue to support him. I've been paying the majority of the bills for over a year while he is getting the business off the ground and I can't do it any more, I can't make sacrifices anymore for his well being. As his wife and someone who still loves him I don't want to see him struggle but at the same time I need to protect myself and why should I help him be a success if he has no intention of being with me ?
I told him I needed to see all his personal accounts, I need to see all his comings and goings before I decide to 'help' him out at all for the next few months. He came home late, he forgot his financial information and he basically ignored me.. I don't know whether he's hiding something but I tried to talk to him about it.. rationally.. unfortunately the conversation turned to R talk.. and it ended badly, with him saying that there is no chance for reconciliation because he doesn't love me.
I couldn't sleep all night, when I got up for work this morning I was SO angry.. which I've been trying hard for months to bury. I didn't care if I woke him up, I didn't sneak around the house , I didn't quiet any of my actions.. I wanted to SCREAM.. I don't know if I'm at the anger stage of the breakup but I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of.. I feel like I'm pining for this man who isn't worth it, who has no regard for my feelings and who has pushed me away for months. I want to yell at him and tell him I hate him and I want him out of my life and my house. I want to yell at him how naive i think he is being regarding his 'female friend'..how I think she's a predator and he's a gullible idiot for spending as much time with her as he has been because she clearly has ulterior motives. I'm so angry that he has been planning this separation for a year but only a month ago let me know about it and I'm trying to pick up the pieces right now.. he's already made his decision and I'm still trying to come to terms with it and he has absolutely no regard for my feelings.
Is this normal ? I'm now questioning if I can do this, if he's worth still fighting for. I thought I was having a breakthrough.. I guess I shouldn't have expected much in only a few weeks of me trying to make changes.
I feel like I'm in a precarious position because I don't want him to resent me for not being able to help him but at the same time I can't let myself be used. I can't push him into a successful business that I helped support him through and I'm left in the dust... but I can't help but think if we reconcile it's my future too..
what to do ?
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
i don't know how to get over this period right now.. we were doing fine until this discussion and then it all just got so ugly.
We're financially not able to separate and we're stuck in the damn house together for the next 4-6 months at least but most likely longer and i'm afraid it's going to turn into War of the Roses.. i was hoping for some reconciliation but i can't see that happening now.
He finally gave me his financial statements yesterday and he really doesn't have any money.. I'm torn.. i don't want to screw him over because he might take that as a negative and if there is a chance of reconciliation i don't want him to change his mind... but at the same time I'm SO angry that he has put me in this position and i still need to protect myself.
I also want to confront him about the cell phone.. this is supposed to be his work phone and it's in my name yet his text messages have quadrupled since he's started messaging my former friend. I know i shouldn't go down this path, but i feel like if i don't he'll continue with the behaviour and i'm just condoning his EA. I also want to know because if he is having a relationship with her than i can't in my heart continue supporting him. Would it be bad to confiscate his phone tonight or is that a big no no ? i don't want him to think i don't trust him, but i really don't..
He looks like hell.. he doesn't shave as much as he used to.. his clothes are grubby looking, he's lost weight and he's got big bags under his eyes.. he also started smoking again.. To me it seems like he has some inner turmoil.. there is no way he has a clear conscience about any of this. A friend of mine asked me last night 'who is this man' because he's changed that drastically.. Do i just wait for him ? i don't know if i have the strength and i certainly don't have the funds to help him figure himself out.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
Im am sorry you are here. You have had some great advise. Keep taking care of you. One thing that I know from my experience, they dont think clearly, they have stopped thinking about the future with you. Your house and finances connect them to you. I wish I had taken the advise given to me along time ago, things might have been different.
If the phone is in your name and he is using it to continue his EA (i suspect PA) then yes take it back. If he cant meet his financial obligations and you can manage on your own, tell him if he really wants the separation then he can leave and help him pack. If you are paying for him to live and allowing him to have this other relationship he has the best of both worlds.
Focus on lyou, but at the same time dont make it easy for him to forget about everything and live in his new reality.
Tell him you are concerned about how he isn't taking care of himself. Tell him you are going to have to make some budget cuts. I'm not sure you should take the phone back, but maybe you have to cut the service way down. Or replace the phones with the simplest service that doesn't include texting.
One thing I wouldn't do is get 'reactive'. Make your decisions calmly, and then 'package' them with care.
Well my husband just packed up his stuff and even his mattress and moved to his business partners house.. i'm sure all the neighbours are gossiping as we speak. He said it was only for a few weeks. I can't stop crying.. although he said he wanted to separate a month ago, he's still been in the house.. after the last talk we had i,ve tried to calm myself down.. it's very hard when i'm this emotional.
This morning i told him i wanted to see his phone records or i'd cut the phone off.. he said i have no right, even though it's in my name, he said the separation isn't about another woman and that's not the reason he's leaving. I told him if he can't afford to pay his bills either he has to get out.. because it's not fair to me.. then it got ugly, again.. How is there any possible reconciliation when it gets to this point ? I feel so hopeless and alone and all i want is to desperately have my husband back and i feel like i am doing all the wrong things and now he's gone and moved out.. My heart is absolutely broken.. i can't even go shopping right now because everything reminds me our life together and no my future alone.. i know i'm not the only one feeling like this on these boards but i'm just so depressed. I've been trying to look my best every day, take care of myself, be more aloof and then it takes one outburst to ruin all the hard work.
I called my brother who is out of town for a chat because i haven't talked to him in awhile.. he told me he and his gf are expecting a baby and i'm going to be an aunt.. my mom and sister already knew and no-one wanted to tell me because they were trying to be sensitive and didn't want to give me good news that was probably going to be heartbreaking to me.. I was devastated and I was so angry at my husband for putting me in this position and spoiling what should have been a happy momentous occasion and i think that's why i woke up with every intention of having it out with him.
I really hope this gets easier.. because i can't handle this pain anymore
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
