Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers surprise surprise, there's an A

I can't find my old thread, so here's the new one, with new developments.
My H said he wanted to work on the R when I started to detach back in August. Since then he's been hot and cold. I hacked into his email and a girl who he told me was just a 'friend' and who is also married and him have been having chat exchanges...last one I can see is Sept 26.
Basically talking about how they would like to meet up, his roommate is out of town, that he was going to call her from a blocked number (because her H is monitoring her phone calls because she has cheated extensively on him).
You think finding this out would devestate me. Not so, in my gut I knew it all along. In fact it validates me and makes me feel that it isn't me that is the problem.

My question to the group, especially the vets, is, what do I do with this information? He goes to school with this girl for another year and a half. The fact that she is a giant skank and has slept around a lot, plus she is married makes me certain this is a R that is going nowhere. Plus when they are both done scdhool they will live on opposite ends of the continent.
Not that I am happy about living in this 'open' marriage, but I believe it will make things worse if I reveal I was snooping. And really, in the chats there is nothing explicit just that they want to hang out, and we all know that cheaters lie so he will dismiss it as me being jealous.

What would you all do in this situation? Confront him? Drop the rope?
All of my things are still down at the apartment. I have the dogs right now, he had planned to come up to visit me and take the dogs back in a few weeks. We also were planning to spend Christmas together...Christ...I don't know what to do. I know that emotionally he is still invested in me. I know that I'm only making excuses when I say this, but I was only the second person he ever slept with, he might have a bit of wild oats to sow still. I am willing to forgive this, in fact, it gives me a glimpse into his own self loathing and guilt now. He has been acting like he is depressed for several months, and this is probably why. He knows I've been a good, loyal partner, and he is doing this behind my back.

I know a bit of what he feels. Eight years ago, when we first started dating, I met another guy, it was a purely sexual connection, but this guy was hot for me, and I was for him. We fooled around a bit, but after about six months I realized I truly loved my boyfriend (now H) and cut it off completely. I never told him about this 'affair' (it was in the first nine months we were dating), but the guilt of it has haunted me for several years.

Should I let him come to this conclusion also? I mean, I wasn't entirely innocent in our relationship (of course it was early, we were young and NOT married)

Personally I'd forget about it and move on. Thats the past and frankly your not supposed to know about it.

Easier said than done of course.

Well, if that's not a boundary (extramarital affairs) for you, then expect it in the future

Without boundaries, we're all potential, perpetual wild oat sowers

True, but possibly it's still going on?
We aren't living together...I can't find any indication that it's still going on though....
Also, he's still on the fence about us...and it's good to know that this is the reason why, sure there is some BS about our communication etc., but nothing worthy of a D.
He said my jealousy/suspicion is a problem, clearly I was spot on with my gut!
I take solace in the fact that I read a stat that 60% of married m will have an affair at some point. Sure it bites, but I still want my partner, and I know that emotionally we are still tightly bonded.

The question you must answer is "Do I want to have an open marriage or not?" If you are ok with a third person (skank no less) in your relationship, then do nothing. If you believe in your vows and your value as a woman worthy of loyalty (oats or no oats) then we can talk. But until you answer this, no point in going on here.

I know what I would do. But I'm not you.
Greek

Well sure it's a boundary, but I'm not supposed to know about it. How do I indicate that I know about it without ratting myself out for snooping?
And this is certainly the type of A that is going to die on its own.

But I'm guessing the glare of publicity about screwing the class skank might take some of the thrill of the secrecy out of this A
:-)
especially because I'm much more attractive than her...I can just hear the razzing he would get from his friends :-)
wow I can't believe I'm actually in good spirits about this...it's like a weight has been lifted, I no longer feel crazy suspecting something and having him accuse me of being crazy...I feel empowered :-)

Of course you are not supposed to know about it, woman! He's CHEATING!

Look, you don't have to tell him a damned thing about how you KNOW. You just KNOW! And that's all you have to say.

Greek

I am worthy of loyalty. I know that. I made a mistake early in our relationship, but I learned from it and moved on. If he had found out about that mistake, he would be devastated. In some sense, I feel like maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, let him fuddle through this mistake on his own and hope he comes back to me.
Now...
I need to start living for myself, not put my life on hold any longer for him. Because this A doesn't have long term potential, I feel very secure in the fact that he will come back to me.