Quote: She has gained some weight since marriage, but I have consistently told her that I think she is beautiful. And I do.
My H said the same things to me but if she doesn't feel it inside, it won't matter how much you say it. I think it's very easy for us as women to lose touch with the woman inside of us, especially as we become mothers. Maybe she needs to find a way to reconnect with the woman inside of herself.
Quote: Maybe she needs to find a way to reconnect with the woman inside of herself.
Any suggestions? She does Yoga in the mornings, goes to Buddhism class on Wednesdays, gets massages about twice a month, belongs to a women-only professionals group and goes to their lunch-time seminars about twice a month. She's not into manicures.
I'd love to know how to help her, but she usually refuses any help.
When a woman is unhappy with her weight, there is really only one thing to do that will make it better - losing some of the weight and toning your body.
Does your wife eat well? Exercise? If not, what about doing those types of things together? You don't have to go on a DIET, but you can modify what you are eating, choosing to refrain from seconds, taking smaller portions, drinking more water, eating less desserts and fattening foods. Do you have a gym membership? Most people find walking, biking, or taking up an active hobby like tennis or fencing, or even ballroom dancing, to be more conducive for couples. And you HAVE to touch each other for ballroom dancing.
I know it sounds cliche, but if you do more things like this together, first of all, she'll feel supported and second of all, it may have the benefit of both of your improved health. And if you are concerned that she might think that YOU think she's fat, tell her that you've noticed that you are out of shape lately, and could use her assistance in dropping a few pounds.
Thanks newlywed. She is on the Atkins Diet, and, even though I don't need to lose weight, when I am around her (and I do most of the cooking), I refrain from carb-laden food. She knows this is a big sacrifice, and she appreciates it. I think she is slowly losing some weight, but is frustrated with the slowness of it. Mostly, she is upset because her old clothes don't fit her anymore. We used to go on walks together after work, but not since the cold weather moved in here in Missouri. No gym membership, for many reasons, too numerous to go into right now.
I am into the "giving her space" period of the cycle. I haven't requested sex in a long time, and, when she brought it up the other night, I just said that I missed the cuddling. She said that cuddling was never what I wanted, that I always wanted sex. I suggested that we go through the rest of December, trying to cuddle more, but absolutely no sex. Should be a ND's dream, right? She seemed skeptical.
Are you married to my wife too? I get the exact same reaming on a frequent basis: The Why-Are-You-A-Fking-Horny-Bastard-You-Beast lecture.
I think it really stems from a denial of our nature, people that are insecure craft all sorts of complex philosophies to mask their true insecurities and build a pedestal from which to "safely" hide from the confrontation of accepting certain human needs that have been built into us from day 1.
I am very respectful of women and believe they deserve the same rights. But I also am a horny dog that loves women because they are lovely and my maleness won't let me ignore that magnetic attraction. Many of us are not respectful of woman all the time but I think it goes both ways. I also think that there is a certain bitterness to feminism that is unproductive and counternatural. It wouldn't offend me if my wife saw some young stud in a Victorio's Secreto commercial and said "hmmmm, what a hunk". What does offend me is when I reach over to tenderly touch her and kiss her and she backs up like I am the devil trying to steal her soul. I just want to share it and I'll share mine in return.
To quote LL: BAHHHHHHH!!!
Hope I haven't offended too many, I'm jsut pissed today.
Ha! I just ready Cathy's post and realized she already said this. Go Honey C!
Hey Achingman. Sounds like my life. I've even made that "Victorio Secreto" argument to her, and I am met by the explanation that, no, this is different. Women have not oppressed men for centuries. To which I respond, well, that may be true, but tell me how I've oppressed you or any other woman.
I like the look of those VS models. I like the look of my wife's body. Call me animalistic, but I will not deny my own natural inclinations. She married me...she did not marry a woman who happened to have a penis.
That Victorio Secreto remark really gave me a giggle I can almost see them! Oh well, what can I say, I am a visual woman.
This is my 2 cents contribution to this discussion about feminism and how women misuses it to justify the most incredible (and foolish )things.
This philosophy were people believe that society is disadvantageous to women, depriving them of choices, economic oportunity, political power , bla bla bla and what this phil. want is to "close that gap" and make their contributions count, equality is the goal is an ok one at best but horribly misunderstood and explited.
Here is my problem with this : Yes, we have been oppress for all times, and yes, things needs to change BUT and a BIG BUT many ! people unfortunately confuses what gender differences truly are, and that they are not all created equal. They think that these diff are taught by society and they got to go, because they are there to keep the males in power. Well, I think I am not alone when I say that ALL gender diff ARE NOT LEARNED, many are hardwire in our genes. Having said that, having them is fine, Don't get me wrong, I am not blind and yes, there still is a double standard out there, with what I will call "artificial gender differences" those are the ones that feminist should focus on i.e making less money, passing over them on job promotions, etc. but to say that EVERYTHING that is different between us got to go to get this equality is just BS. Feminism also says that the female nature needs to be valued and even praised, what about male nature then? I think they took the wrong road where all male normal responses, both learned and not, are immediately demonized when they shouldn't, that is why all human being have this little thing called a brain, to distinguish between what is a society taught response and what is just a natural one.
I come from a culture ( I am Southamerican) that needs a great deal of machism erradication procedures, they are a long way to go to get to the standard of U.S. , which mostly is thanks to the feminist movement (so thank you on that regard you feminist people), but at the same time a lot of the good old fashion maleness is kind of gone....sorry guys, but is true, and most of it is not even your fault. As a way of making my point, I will give you an anecdote that happend to me when I was much younger.When I first moved to the U.S. I remember going to a party where there were a lot of guys. I remember telling my friend, which is an American girl, after we left the party that I thought it was so unfortunate that I was obviously not very attractive to american men, since nobody had really showed me any sort of attention (just as a side note, I am a very beautiful woman...hey! if I don't say it, nobody will!). My friend started laughing when I said this, then she told me that she counted at least 7 guys that were all over me or looking at me, definitely showing a lot of interest and that she thought I was crazy! Well, here is the kicker, I found out from some of them later, when we all got to be friends that they were a bid afraid of me . The reason why my girlfriend and I had such different perceptions about this matter is that were I come from guys are much more forward and "aggresive" per se, showing their attraction clearly, they are more inclined to tell you that they like you and show quite clearly their interest in different ways. I was flabbegasted with this realization and I wanted to know why . I found out from these american male friends that guys have been burned so many times in such embarassing ways when they were aggresively pursuing a girl that they were afraid to do it. They told me that showing chivalry was not encourage, because it was percived as a way of being patronizing and belittlering to women. Talk about a horrible side effect of the feminist movement!
After that I got the picture and I started to look for the (in my opinion small) shows of interest from the male population and interpret them as an american girl, with just very fine raddars
I think that feminist are ok as long as they understand that men are not the enemy and they appreciate the "Good differences" . If they are going to treat them like there is something wrong for being more visual and saying that they appreciate the female form, they are just not someone I can respect; my suspicion is mayor insecurity or pure ignorance.
The thing that burns me about this type of attitude (and I consider myself to have feminist leanings) is that I would bet my bottom dollar that Mrs. Hairdog still expects her husband to bend over backwards and kiss her a$$, even though she is a professed feminist. Meaning, she wants romance and all that jazz.
Well, I say if she wants true equality between the sexes, then she can act like a man and GET IT ON with Hairdog!
Thanks msm for your global insight. I could go on and on about how the wrong parts of feminism have feminized the American Man. And demonized him. I have struggled with the chivalry/chauvinism balance. I am not supposed to open a door for my wife unless I get there first...not supposed to help her on with her coat unless my coat is hung underneath hers...the rules are endless, but she sums them up by saying, "if you wouldn't do it for a male friend, then don't do it for me." Well, my dad taught me to be a gentleman, and I'm sure that when he taught me these things, that his intent was not to continue to oppress women. Honeypot: My W does not want the romance. She thinks it is either sappy, or it is designed to try to get her into bed. Still, I know she likes the look and smell of flowers, so I bring them home for no particular reason.
Although I've never read the "5 languages of love", I know that these languages are: gifts, words of affirmation, services, quality time, and physical touch. Her language is primarily services. She wants a clean house. Words of affirmation are not accepted well--she either is embarrassed, dismissive, or just doesn't know what to do with a compliment or loving comment. Gifts -- she is definitely not a gift lover. Quality time? She is usually too busy, or too tired, and doesn't make this a priority for us, although she enjoys her quality time alone. Physical touch? Fuggetaboutit. So, I clean my a$$ off, do laundry, do the cooking, give the kid a bath, mow the yard, etc. (notice that I do both the traditional male and female gender chores), and don't get much in return. Perhaps she thinks by cleaning the house after I do so, she is showing me love in the way she would prefer to be shown. Okay...I'm kinda rambling here. But, as we all know, this BB is supposed to be therapeutic.
I want to let you all know that she is also a wonderful person. She is smart, and funny, and lovely, and insightful, and generally an interesting and stimulating (intellectually) person to be around. She works hard and is a loving and wise mother to our daughter. She's a good stepmother to my kids from a prior M. So, just because she sucks as a lover, doesn't mean I want to dump her. I just want her to make an effort. And I want my requests for her to make an effort to sound reasonable and loving--not the animalistic requests of typical MAN. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Ok, Now that my views about feminism are out of the closet, let see how I can help you in your dilema.
I take it that because your wife is a feminist, she must be quite ok with you expresing your feelings and talking to her about them? Maybe you have already exausted this avenue, but if not, have you expressed your frustrations to her? Also , does she allow for touching even in the "naugthy places" when there is a clear understanding that no sex would follow? Maybe you can propose that , and maybe that way she will not identify your touch with sex all the time, just a way of playing and being intimate.
