can you provide examples? this is not meant to poke or anything .. just to get a real idea so i know how to come up with a goal of my own.
the last thing i want to do is come up with a goal that is h-related and i really want the goals to be about me.
I guess all of us here have the same goal - save the M. Examples depend on individual sitch.
You can do the "shock and awe" and give them what they want all at once. Ask them to leave or leave yourself. Vets here have said and continue to say that it works despite some risks such as that you will lose the opportunity to guide your way should they take the offer and run away for good.
Or you can "let them go" slowly and figure out what happened in the first place.
WAS does not want to be with you because you are no longer attractive. Therefore WAS does not respect you. Therefore they nag, spew and act out. They rewrite history and convince you that you are the cause of all of the planets misery.
To tackle that one baby step at the time is more delicate and time consuming but also involves GAL, 180, "letting them go" in a slightly different way. The benefits here are the opportunity to closely monitor the progress and changes as they react to your actions. Mistakes can be corrected quickly. Downside is that while you may become more attractive and get your respect back, WAS may view you as a safe plan B which will drag the process.
I have personally chosen the latter method. It gives me the opportunity to work on myself and get to know my W better. What were all the issues that needed to be adressed and weren't? I can do this and become a better person while validating her feelings whether I agree with them or not. I am still at home with my family. I can always walk at the end if nothing else works and if that brings her finally around it would be much easier from there. If not, I have the strength and wisdom to move on on my own.
I like to post the "vague" advice ... ie. Look inside, dig deep, find yourself ... with examples of what that meant FOR ME. I like pictures , illustrations often help to bring it into focus.
i agree with this. "vague" advice is good but it helps to give examples from your own experience. it's not to say readers should follow the exact same path but it gives people ideas on where to start or what direction to go in.
we don't encourage anyone to go off half-cocked in one direction or another. We wouldn't want someone to misread our advice, however well-intentioned, and do something stupid with it, y'know?
That's why I say to "do what works," GAL, set your goals and do your 180s and act "as if."
Agreed.
I like to post the "vague" advice ... ie. Look inside, dig deep, find yourself ... with examples of what that meant FOR ME. I like pictures , illustrations often help to bring it into focus.
PEI
I think we must be careful with that, PEI. If we focus on examples from our own individual sitch, they can be taken the wrong way. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.
I have personally chosen the latter method. It gives me the opportunity to work on myself and get to know my W better. What were all the issues that needed to be adressed and weren't? I can do this and become a better person while validating her feelings whether I agree with them or not. I am still at home with my family. I can always walk at the end if nothing else works and if that brings her finally around it would be much easier from there. If not, I have the strength and wisdom to move on on my own.
I guess that is the Pinhead method.
NO NO NO
The Pinhead Method is to flail about searching for anything to avoid your situation, only to discover that four months have passed and you're back at square one. Geez, haven't you been paying attention?
That's why I say to "do what works," GAL, set your goals and do your 180s and act "as if." These are all in the book, and if we play them right down the middle, it's best for all concerned.
so the whole point of this thread is to say "read the book"?
The Pinhead Method is to flail about searching for anything to avoid your situation, only to discover that four months have passed and you're back at square one. Geez, haven't you been paying attention?
I think we must be careful with that, PEI. If we focus on examples from our own individual sitch, they can be taken the wrong way. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.
Agreed. Again.
It'y why I believe it's important to get as many perspectives out there as possible. I will never tell anyone to stay put or run for the hills. That is a choice only an individual can make. But I will not shy away from posting about my story and what works/is working for me (I'll add the caveat "MY OPINION ONLY ... NOT A PRO ... DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU"). I'm in a much better place than I was when I hit these boards back in March and I think these boards exist as a place to provide support in various ways, not just reiterate platitudes and say "Read the Book". I also understand that the mods have been hitting heavy lately, and I could fall victim to the "cleansing" at any given time. I have yet to fully understand why some posts/threads are being pulled.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
