'Perhaps you have an idea about what he could say and do that would demonstrate commitment and remorse'I have told him as much just wanted him to say sorry and he realised how he had hurt me and that he would work on our marriage....but he never said anything.
'And how do you respond when that is said?'Mostly keep quite or try to show him the times we have had and what he said previously that contradicts what he is saying now. I really do't know what to say. It hurts.
'Perhaps that gives you some thoughts about what might happen now.'It kind of does, though many pple r advising me against leaving. Maybe I will try the 180s fully before I do that.
'perhaps you are feeling at this point that would happen again if the emotional intimacy were re-established.'Exactly my thoughts but how do we achieve that if one party seems unwilling to reestablish that. We even sleep in seperate rooms. Aaargggh
'The only way he will want to be with you is if he misses you. How can he experience the loss of you if you never leaver his side?'I don't follow him around I actually avoid him were I can. It's only when I feel my boundaries are being violated in my own home that I confront him. And when I do he goes ballistic. So how do I ensure that he misses me when we are staying under the same roof.
'Perhaps you're not even sure that you even want to work on the marriage, since the problems seem too large and difficult to cope with.'I want to...just need the tools that would work. Though of course one longs for peace and quite thus my decision to leave.
'but if you know the outcome will be terrible......would that not give you some restraint?'True it must. I am actually trying to identify those things that mainly produce a negative/positive response and 180 on the negatives.
' Leave him there to sm all he wants but you don't sit next to him all snuggled up while he disrespects you like that. 'Wise words, have been going into the next room or going out for a walk. Last time I did that, when I came back he was all piqued and noticed that I left (Had gone out for maybe 45 min)
'Who is he thinking about while ML?'Good question, I actually ask myself that. He has indicated that we should not be involved sexually whilst we are going thru our problems. And he is one very sexual person. His interest has suddenly faded. Anyway the few times we have done it, it felt so empty. At one point I actually lost interest when in the middle coz the the words of their smses were playing in my mind and I felt sick. Arghh
'You must stop doubting yourself. Something ain't right. And Sandi is right, you must apply what you are learning here no matter what.' Doing that and still learning. Today I also bought Tough love by Dr Dobson. A good read.
So u guys, u saying leaving is out of qeustion?????
Sandi if I were to move out I was prepared to do so for as long as it would take. I know my H, I don't think he will want to have us apart.
You're mindreading. Take it from me, you don't want to move out. If anyone should move out, he should. Help him pack. You can give him plenty of "space" in the same house, but it's not space he wants, it's freedom to conduct his affair.
I am actually trying to identify those things that mainly produce a negative/positive response and 180 on the negatives.
You mean like bringing up the D word, talking about the R, and asking him if he is still in an A? Stay away from those topics. Do NOT argue with him. If he starts, then turn and walk away.
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I don't follow him around I actually avoid him were I can. It's only when I feel my boundaries are being violated in my own home that I confront him. And when I do he goes ballistic. So how do I ensure that he misses me when we are staying under the same roof.
What boundaries (beside contacting OM) has he done in your home?
Don't just go out whenever he is ignoring you or sming. Plan to have activities outside of the home. Don't tell him what the plans are, just say you have plans and then leave. So what if he goes ballistic? Has he ever hit you when he was angry? Unless you are afraid of him, don't worry if he gets mad......he can get glad in the same rags he got mad. I think you try to hard to be a pleaser and that use to be what women were taught to do, but you have a mind of your own and you should also have a life that does not include him all the time.
Go to the library, shop, visit the sick, whatever you want to do, but get out away from him! Do something for yourself.
Make personal goals that aim high in changing your habits and make you a better person. Learn to like yourself most of all. Your worth is not decided on how he thinks of you.
Don't tell him that you are trying to change. Don't pursue him. Don't do anything to pressure him to show his feelings, talk to you, give you affection, spend time with you, etc. Don't cry in front of him. Don't throw mad fits around him. Don't talk very much. Wait for him to be in charge of talking and if he doesn't.....then there will be no discussions!
Do things that might throw him for a loop, like getting up in the middle of a TV program and saying you have to go do something. If he asks what, then hesitate while looking at him seriously and say, "Ummm.....got to get some ice cream". Then leave and don't answer any more of his questions.When you come back home emptied handed and he asks where's the ice cream, then you tell him that you went to the ice cream place and ate it there. That's all, and then you go to bed or do something else. In other words, be mysterious. He's bored with the M and that's why he was looking at OW in the first place.
My suggestion is don't leave the house unless you are afraid of him. And if you are afraid, then you don't need to be M to him.
Don't be so sure that he wouldn't face people without you. The WAS's seem to do things they never would have before the A. Has he ever had an A since he's been M to you? Bet you never thought he would do that, either.
You can do this. You just need to start respecting yourself more and making sure he shows you respect also.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ugh, well overlook my typing mistakes, please. I said OM instead of OW and I'm sure many other mistakes but maybe you can figure out what I meant......
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If anyone should move out, he should. Help him pack. You can give him plenty of "space" in the same house, but it's not space he wants, it's freedom to conduct his affair. I have told him as much that he should choose either to be commited to the marriage and act it or out and so far he is showing no interest of moving out. (Despite all this drama) What can I do? Thus my decision if he don't want to move out, I will. I have told him that I won't stay with someone who is unfaithful and he should move out (to no avail.)
You mean like bringing up the D word, talking about the R, and asking him if he is still in an A? Stay away from those topics. Do NOT argue with him. If he starts, then turn and walk away. Yes I am doing that right now, but pretty tell by giving him that freedom to continue his alliances with the OW and pretending as if his hurtful actions are not affecting me, how really does it help me. Will I not just give him a free reign to continue his business esp since he is reluctant to move out? Currently we are not even talking to each other....since doing so will result in an altrecation of words. I resort to mainly sending smses if there is some family matter that need to be attended. I bring the D word in order to have him respect my boundaries. I mean it's better for him out of my life, than him blatantly doing what he is currently doing in front of me.
What boundaries (beside contacting OM) has he done in your home? His excessive smsing as well as his blatant disrespect.
Has he ever hit you when he was angry? No but the words that come from his mouth are like a two bladed sword. They cut to the deepest.
Go to the library, shop, visit the sick, whatever you want to do, but get out away from him! Do something for yourself. Way to go I have a couple of things planned up for the following period...that do not include him obviously. So say he offers to go with us do I reject him?
Don't tell him that you are trying to change. Don't pursue him. Don't do anything to pressure him to show his feelings, talk to you, give you affection, spend time with you, etc. Don't cry in front of him. Don't throw mad fits around him. Don't talk very much. Wait for him to be in charge of talking and if he doesn't.....then there will be no discussions!
Way to go. So when he wants to talk do I listen and talk with him. Or I just show a disinterest.
Ok so here I am, thought I would make an update. I decided to take the 180 approach. The following are some of the things I have adopted
1. I do not start any conversation unless really necessary esp over family matters (rarely does happen) 2. I sms most communications (less angry and hurtful responses that leave me feeling so down and under) 3. As soon as he comes home, I move into the next room. We never sit together for long. (something that really bothers him...will explain later) 4. Ignoring his smsing, taking myself out of the picture completely by moving somewhere else. (Still fighting this one as sometimes I get the urge to grab the phone or say something) 5. Not talking about R 6. Being mysterious 7. Planning to do things that do not include him (and doing them)
Things that have happened lately: I have started this since the past 4 days, and it's such a great feeling...I actually feel like I am in control. Anyway number one I feel I am taking control of my life and my situation and getting the chance to do all those things I have been meaning to do but never got round to doing. And he actually is noticing, a few examples: Today in the afternoon I left home and never told him where I was going, I then sent my young sister back to collect something. When she got home he asked her where we were going...she told him. Anyway I told her under no circumstances is she to tell in the future...she is supposed to say she does not know.
In the evening, I was feeling so sleepy and tired but I waited abt 1 hr more until he came home (in order to make a statement.- Nothin verbal) As soon as he came in he wanted to change the channel even though we were watching something else (something we always argue about. Anyway I took that as my cue to leave and I promptly did and left with my laptop (was busy doing something there). I saw him following me with his eyes. As soon as I was in the bedroom he followed me and wanted to see what was on my laptop.... Anyway he peaked and saw his name on the document that had his name that was open. (It's a letter I had written in the morning to him but I had no intention of giving it to him.) Esp since he shows no interest to hear what I have to say...but I wrote it as a venting outlet. I shielded it away from him and he started saying there was something phony going on. I kept quite but the statement that got me was when he said I was acting as if I was desperate. Maybe that was true a week ago but not anymore. Anyway I said what the heck let me show him the letter anyway it's for him. If anything it will clear that statement of his that I am desperate for him when I am not actually. The letter was clearly stating my position that he is either in or out. He read it and finished and sat silently, sullenly and never said a word after reading it.
The power of DB is in taking action, which you are doing, and seeing some immediate benefits. Perhaps you are now noticing that when you pursue, he withdraws, and when you withdraw he pursues.
Although it proved useful in having him read the letter, somehow although his computer is off-limits to you, your laptop is not afforded the same. (i.e. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours.")
Ok so here I am...reading forums and posts of other DBERS. Gives me strength.
Today something happened that I wonder of it was wise. We had a verbal fight. Aaarghh!!! Don't know if I could have avoided it but H can be so unreasonable. He has double standards, what applies to him does not apply to me and vice versa. He always finds ways of explaining it away. Don't really know what to do coz trying to talk to him will always end up in a fight of words. And lately when we fight we always throw the D word in when what I want is a better and happier marriage. I am not letting him see that our fight has gotten to me but it hurts. Still I a happy in that I am actually looking forward to my future, without him being the centre, but things I wanna do for myself and my S.
