Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Always and Forever??????

Irish,

I've been extra busy for a few days, so out of touch. Catching up on your post. ILMN and Brooklyn are pretty smart cookies. You say you needed validation; there it is.

This being our ( H & I) favorite time of year, so many activities with the kids, etc. I feel extremely blessed to be able to continue doing so. I too am grateful for the wonderful years we had. He is missing out now, by his own decisions, not mine.

As hard as it is, try to not take it personally. Go on with your head held high and eyes to the front. You have come a far way from where you started. Keep up the good work, Irish.

Irish this ^^^^^^

It is very hard to get past this.

It will set YOU free when you set him free.

Wow IB

Lots of good advice and insight here on your thread!

Thanks to all for your continued support AND patience. Slowly, but surely some things are starting to come together.

H contacted kids over the weekend. Told them he had filed. Girls both answered him the same way - "In no way do we agree with anything that you are doing - but you are going to do what you want to do." H answered both of them "Yep"

Tonight S and I are going to plan out our next two months - including holidays. I am going to spend as much time as I can with friends and loved ones. I am going to spend every other moment I can splurging on myself - not so much $$$$ but TIME. Getting busy getting stronger:)

As the song goes..."...even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger."

I read everyone's post and it makes me so afraid.
I have been married 12 years now, and thought we had it good. Successful careers, supported him much along the way, one beautiful D, very smart, big house, great social life, Ok sex, plenty of family travel.
He was never affectionate but took good care of us. I complained about the lack of affection and demanded, and I could see he did try to be better. Then one day he tells me we should separate, because there was no more love in our marriage. Shock, anger, leading, begging - the whole shebang. No avail, everything made it worse. It was as though the good times never happened. But after discussing, we agreed not to separate until our D goes to college. he loves her to pieces.
Then I suspected an OW, but there was denial and more denial. I saw evidence - texts and calls. He admitted later. She lived outside the country, but she came here, now she lives around 700 miles away. She is younger by 13 yrs., blonde (we are Asian), very wealthy, divorcee.
My H asked for space, for freedom to do what he wants, but is OK with us staying together. I agreed, for the sake of staying together. Can't live without him, I think.
I am thinking maybe he has MLC, as it is very uncharacteristic - he is a responsible man, good dad, good provider.He is now obsessed with his looks, buys expensive clothes, works out.
Our family life right now seems normal but I check texts and emails and see how obsessed he is with the OW and am hurting so bad. I try the LRT in the book, as all the other steps did not work, and although it has restored peace at home and made me stronger, keeping me from crying too much and made me more functional, I don't know if I can keep it going.Its a roller coaster. EA has been going on now for around 6 months, and it seems to be getting deeper, and I have this urge to do something, I feel like exploding. Our life is a sham - we do things socially, pretend to friends, go to church. Inside I am crumbling. O don't know if this is better than just separating. But I can't handle taking care of D alone, too busy at work, plus I travel. he travels too. PLus I cannot bear the thought of hurting D, she is a tween and impressionable.
I need help, encouragement, some direction....

im glad you are here. Do you think filing for d woke h up. I have been going thru this for 3 yrs. I think if i filed for d now he wouldnt come back. He is living with ow now. he was home for 2 yrs because i filed but went back to her 9 mos ago.

IB


LOVE it IB!

I hope and pray that you are beginning to really see the strength that exists in you. Cause I can see it.

God Bless,
Eric

Irish,

You have grown so much since your first days here...

I still worry about your anger (or lack there of)...

but that is for another day...

I understand that you were happy as a wife and a mother...

I, too, was very happy in that role...

Something I learned, something that makes me a better mother, and will make me a better wife...

Is that now, I am happy with me. Outside of those roles. No, I never thought I had to worry about that before. I was comfortable having my identity attached to those roles. Now, I don't think I would want to go back to being simply so and so's mom or so and so's wife. I want to be Cat, who is so and so's mom and so and so's wife. Cat first. The the other stuff.

Because Cat will always be with me. Those other people, who am I without them? I didn't have a clue. I know now. And it is a very good feeling.

I can't two by four you (even if I am pretty good at it) because I have been watching you get there. I may not post as often, but I do read...

Watching you get to know Irish. Watching you get to like Irish. Watching you grow.

Learn to validate yourself. Learn to trust who you are becoming.

Day by day...

As far as your H, I have a similar story as Brook, years later, my H, hasn't found true happiness. Some days he admits it and others, he says he is happy as a clam. They have to walk their path, just as we have to walk ours.

((((Irish))))

Cat

Thanks all...
Tonight I took an hour boot camp class followed by an hour of pilates. Looking at myself in the mirror I couldn't help but tear up. First - it hurt like HE**! Second - I thought - I have buried myself beneath excess weight and neglect. But no more! I am finally accepting that H is never coming back. He is choosing a life that is far removed from the life we built with our family. Our kids cherish the life we built - the traditions and inside jokes - they looked forward to continuing those traditions through their adulthood and their own family. This may sound benign to some - but playing scrabble first thing in the morning on vacation / watching the kids dance to old hip hop songs / watching college sports / special meals / "family dinners" with close friends - these were those small things that meant so much to them and to me. I'm sorry they didn't mean the same to him - I'm sorry that he doesn't realize how much a part of these memories he was.

I am going to keep as many of those traditions going and begin to develop new ones.

I'm sad but not broken.

Irish,

You've raised a lot of issues. Some of this is stuff you've repeated so rather than repeating myself too much, I'd ask that you go re read the posts of mine you said were helpful. They deal with detaching and the fact that you do NOT need to know "why" he is doing any of this, to live your life and move forward.

You may never know why. HE may never know why. So let all that go. (OF course that's easier said than done, but please re-read those earlier posts so you can get past this AND not then go backward quite so much).

As for what to tell others when they ask, IF they ask (many won't) you can say what you're ready to say. For me, what worked best was saying "our marriage is being really challenged right now" and usually that was that & it was easy to move on to the next topic. OR if a divorce had been filed, I'd say "I think we're heading to divorce, it's hard but I'm doing 'ok'". Again, it seems you can move on to another topic soon. MOST People do not want a lot of details although they'll be sympathetic. Depends on where you are.
Sometimes I'd joke and say "we like to live our lives like we're reading a bad Hollywood script and having a MLC" or "we love crisis", etc.

At a party, people want to be happy and so do YOU. WHy bring it down? Also, if you feel pressed or an old friend (not merely an acquaintance and NOT a co-worker please) really wants SOME sort of explanation, be brief, admit that it's hard, but ALWAYS finish upbeat like you know you'll get through it and laugh and love again. Say this type of thing for 3 reasons: First, eventually hearing yourself saying it will someday lead you to believing it. 2nd, your children will hear it and they need that reassurance from YOU.
3rd, other people, including your h, need to hear how well you are doing.

Someone here said something about how the WAS doesn't think or feel or care about their children or their children's lives. How harmful to say! Do NOT mind read or assume your WAS has amnesia. it's unfair, usually inaccurate, totally harmful to your children if they come to believe it, and it's just NOT helpful. Why inflict more pain on yourself or those you love? You don't know what they think or feel. Period.

My h left our home for the better part of 2 YEARS. Turns out, he was very lonely and I didn't know that for a long time. I will probably never know how lonely he was. Nor did he know how rejected I and our children felt. If he did, he'd probably have talked himself out of trying to return b/c he'd have seen the mountain as too high to climb. As my DB coach said, If you want to have a chance to reconcile (& for now let's say you do), then..you have to Keep the Road Home Paved & Smooth.

Children want to believe the best about and forgive their parents as much as possible. In that ONE sense, they probably have an advantage over adults. Let your kids try to love him again, someday.

As a mother, we ache for our children's pain, and God knows when that pain is inflicted by the other parent, it approaches the unforgivable. But that does not help our chlidren.

Irish, you know what you need to do. 2 Steps forward and 1 back. So get back on the horse and take those steps. And when you turn your pain and anger over to God, don't come back the next day and take back the problem. Let God keep it! Remember the 100 days program? Do you need to start over? Come on, now, you can DETACH and use the "Stop" sign and actively work on PMA activities, 180's and GAL stuff for 100 days. 100 days...long enough to possibly see something different, but not so long that it seems forever. And it gets you through the holidays without more tension and whatever you can do for now to lessen tension, to create a sense of being comfortable together, is mandatory. NO matter what! It's a DB piece of advice I'll never forget.

You want the WAS to feel comfortable enough around the family that they don't avoid family time even more than they already are. If you want to retain hope for a recon, you have to make it feasible for your WAS to feel as if they can be in the same room as you. From there, your goal is to build up. Does the WAS "deserve" this? Maybe not. Do you want to punish them? Are you going to be the judge and jury and executioner passing and enforcing sentence upon them for their sins? That sounds like a great start towards reconciliation. iOW, Do you want to be happy, or "right"?

Plus, if you want the WAS to miss you or think they're missing out on a fun life, you have to show them that YOU are fine and that YOUR LIFE is a good one that THEY ARE MISSING OUT ON...and you cannot project this if you cannot handle being around them in public. If there's a b-ball game, I think that's perfect. Bring a friend and watch the game. IF you don't have a friend to attend with, (really??) But if not, bring a camera and film the game. Focus on the GAME your kid is in. It's about your son, not your h, or your pain or feelings of abandonment. Honestly, when you make it about your comfort level, you are not putting your son first.

When my h and I married & planned our wedding, in addition to the regular worries, I had huge anxiety about my mil and fil being together as they had divorced and not seen each other in 5 years. We spent a huge amoung of time figuring out where to seat my mil and how to deal with it in the church, (FIL had remarried). I have to say it bothered me that so much time went into their issues instead of OUR big day. My mil, to her credit, finally said, "I'm not going to ruin or miss out on my son's wedding b/c of HIM" and they each said about one sentence to each other and there was no "scene". They both seemed to have fun that day too. But damn, it did consume too much of our energy. I hope you won't make that type of experience for your sons.
I know you won't. But why not start putting them first, NOW? I know it's hard. But a b-ball game IS manageable. You're stronger than you know.

Next time you begin to assume he's totally happy (e.g., Never rains where he lives and ALWAYS rains where you are), or he ONLY has great sex and it's endless and OW's, if any, LOVE sex all the time, & are brilliant and hilarious ALL the time and are never ill and he's ALWAYS in a good mood too and they both earn high 6 figures and she looks like Angelina Jolie and both of them are always interested in the other's opinions and neither has ever had a temper problem or a bad day and they both love the same music and art and have the same politics and religions and blah blah blah....

Oh and didn't you & your h and family ever have good times? You think he might might have had a FEW good memories together too? You think he forgot ALL of them and will never recall any? Really? There will be a song on the radio or at a party that reminds him of you or a good time and there are literally over a thousand good memories of the kids & family time. Frankly, you underestimate the goodness of your family life. In time those memories will resurface for him. YOU will have already dealt with the loss b/c that's what you are doing now. He hasn't done so, so when it hits him, it'll hit him like a ton of bricks. You'll be farther down the road on your journey though. Start now.

Make sense? Keep keepin' on. You are stronger than you know.