[/quote]Not to say that I don't love him; I do. But, I don't owe him a damn thing. He valued my fidelity so little, I don't feel guilty for returning the favor. Just my opinion ... [/quote]
Amen
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
According to the DB "Elites" WHO ARE with their spouses come in and tell you "Set Em Free" it makes me question WTF are we here for?
Why would the people who DB'd and are with their WAS again tell you to "set them free" ?
Seems there is a pattern here.
You can set them free without dating.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thank you guys for your comments, but let's see what the "elites" have to say. Since so many of them come from there pedestals to help us "unfortunate" ones.
the people here who give back are not elite, it's a form of gratitude for what we learned and experienced. we are not above anyone on some pedestal, maybe you need to change your perspective. we have all been in your shoes.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Ehh, nobody is trying to make anybody feel guilty for dating after their spouse has run off with somebody else.
The point is, why are you doing it?
To feel better about yourself? Why don't you feel better about yourself anyway?
And then there's the integrity thing. I think you owe it to yourself to be who you say you are and live by your own values so that you can respect yourself.
If you don't believe in dating others when you are married, and you want to date, then by all means get a divorce, but don't betray your own values and sacrifice your own integrity just because somebody treated you badly or because you have low self-esteem and think you cannot have self-esteem without a romance in your life.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
According to the DB "Elites" WHO ARE with their spouses come in and tell you "Set Em Free" it makes me question WTF are we here for?
Why would the people who DB'd and are with their WAS again tell you to "set them free" ?
Seems there is a pattern here.
You can set them free without dating.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Why hold onto someone who doesn't want to be married. Take all the pressure off them and give them what they want - standing by, waiting for them to change, holding onto your vows, threatening them etc - it's all pressure. Put yourself in their shoes, what does it look like?
So "holding onto your vows" and your beliefs is not really pressuring them, correct?
Thank you guys for your comments, but let's see what the "elites" have to say. Since so many of them come from there pedestals to help us "unfortunate" ones.
the people here who give back are not elite, it's a form of gratitude for what we learned and experienced. we are not above anyone on some pedestal, maybe you need to change your perspective.we have all been in your shoes.
Some posts seem a little self righteous, but I understand that writing things out can sometimes look worse than what it actually is.
It's good to know we were all in the same place at least once. I am grateful for the paying forward from the "Experienced" ones.
I am not one of the vets and just like you I am in the midst of my sitch, but I think I can add value to your question, "So "holding onto your vows" and your beliefs is not really pressuring them, correct?'" I believe doing just that is not presssuring or pursueing your WAS so long as you are NOT communicating to them what you are doing and conducting yourself in a self righteous manner.
I personaly think that I am DB'ing successfully in that I am GAL'ing and totally detached. I also thank my stbxw for her going totally dark which forced me to detach completely. I am dating only (no sex)because I know that my M is over, but I do honor my vows. And sure dating to find someone for a future R. I don't plan to latch-on to the next woman I meet because I really want to know them before a commitment...I don't plan to have to use this site again other than pay it forward.
FaithAK, My opinion is that one should not date while married. Period. Three reasons:
First of all, to honor the vows.
Second, if there were ever to be a reconciliation, dating while separated would create yet another issue to deal with while trying to piece.
Finally, I do not think it is fair to the person you date. A married person is not free to fully engage in a healthy, committed relationship. That is possible when one has closure on the marriage, has expolored thier own part in the erosion of the former relationship, and has done work to heal.
I have a friend who met her current H while he was separated from his W. He pursued her. She refused to have a date with him until he could show her the D decree. Smart lady. She was respectful of his vows, aware that separated people often do yo yo back and forth, and she was also aware that he had some issues (grief, responsibility, reconnection with self) to work through. They are still happily, in a strong marriage. She's glad she stood her ground and that he had the time to do the work.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I am not one of the vets and just like you I am in the midst of my sitch, but I think I can add value to your question, "So "holding onto your vows" and your beliefs is not really pressuring them, correct?'" I believe doing just that is not presssuring or pursueing your WAS so long as you are NOT communicating to them what you are doing and conducting yourself in a self righteous manner.
I personaly think that I am DB'ing successfully in that I am GAL'ing and totally detached. I also thank my stbxw for her going totally dark which forced me to detach completely. I am dating only (no sex)because I know that my M is over, but I do honor my vows. And sure dating to find someone for a future R. I don't plan to latch-on to the next woman I meet because I really want to know them before a commitment...I don't plan to have to use this site again other than pay it forward.
HIH,
You consider dating to be honouring your vows? Actively seeking a woman for a future relationship is honouring your vows?
I'm not judging you, not at all. I just see that as a huge contradiction. Sexual fidelity is not the only vow you made.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
To feel better about yourself? Why don't you feel better about yourself anyway?
Exactly! Great point ... it's why we should all do the work necessary to become emotionally healthy individuals. Carrying the same baggage forward into another R will end you up in the same place.
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
And then there's the integrity thing. I think you owe it to yourself to be who you say you are and live by your own values so that you can respect yourself.
Bingo! Ok, the funny thing is Grit could have written this ... you two aren't as far apart ideologically as it might appear ... hmmmm......
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
don't betray your own values and sacrifice your own integrity just because somebody treated you badly or because you have low self-esteem and think you cannot have self-esteem without a romance in your life.
TH,brotha we don't always see eye to eye but this stuff is bang on IMO.
Personally I don't believe the D has to be final before dating begins (but maybe that's because they take so damn long to get in Canada), but I do think the individual has to do the work and be dating for the right reasons as you highlight above.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
