Perhaps this is a really simplistic example, but when I sit on my couch, my dog will sometimes try to get her front paws on the couch so that she can get a better scratch behind the ears. As soon as she does, I stop scratching. She then steps back off the couch and I don't start scratching again until she does. Sometimes a lack of positive re-enforcement is enough to enforce a boundary. (Sometimes it isn't.)
It may work for a dog who has no visible alternatives, but when you are dealing with an addicted spouse who has a third party pressuring them to leave the marriage its a bit difficult.
You try getting your dog to cooperate when someone else they like even more is waving cookies at them... Go ahead, I dare you
I don't think that trying to get your spouse not to leave your marriage is a boundary. You can't enforce that. But if your spouse is having an affair, walking away from her is pretty much all that you can do to enforce the fact that you will not participate in the marriage if she is breaking her vows, right? If she screams at you, you don't participate in the conversation. If she misuses marital assets, you deprive her of that opportunity. You can't flog them if they don't do what you want, but you do get to take your ball and leave.
I am with you Jack... talk to Arnie... and be prepared to do a lot of reading...
I'd offer to help out here, but Arnie and I broke up.
But I thought you said "I'm just not sure HOW I feel anymore . . . "
Are you saying it's OVER?
no way it's over. ABG will be back, decide TH is just unconscious and validate his feelings to get him conscious again. I am told it works like smelling salts.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You are talking about natural consequences here, in one case, and in the other is is a your child. The "consequences" that come up with "boundaries" are not natural ones, they are choices made by the one setting the boundary.
If I had an affair it would be a natural consequence for my wife to let me know that it was not acceptable.
Certain behaviors are non-negotiable as as far as acceptability in a marriage. We are normally not addressing rolling your eyes, hiding your cigarettes or how to hang the TP. That's why the behavior and the consequences for continuing the behavior need to be thought out.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
