Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Infedelity before the book!

Hey, folks.

I have to jump in on CeMar's behalf, even thought he may not want me to.

In the early days of pressing through my sexless situation, anger and fault placement was a large part of working through the situation toward a solution. Please see my earliest posts for proof.

It seems to me, that CeMar is angry because of disillusionment. He feels cheated because he is now 40'ish and thought that his sex life would have arrived at some semblance of normalcy by now - it hasn't. He probably feels like he has been robbed, robbed of a dream that he expected to become reality. He had every right to belive this dream. He had every right to expect that his wife would remain his lover. CeMar probably thought, like many of us, male and female alike, that if he just does the right thing, or applies the right technique and waits patiently, it will all work out. Well, it didn't and he is as mad as hell.

Here is the real kicker folks. His anger, whether misdirected or not, IS justified. I am not saying that he is faultless, or that women are evil (you know I don't believe that). We all, women and men, have been mad as hell as we awakened to find ourselves in a sexualy disequalibrated nightmare.

It is true that generically speaking, men and women handle the situations, on a long term basis, somewhat differently. CeMar is spewing a good bit, and many of you ladies would still be cryiing a lot at this stage of recovery.

So, please give CeMar some rooom. Like many of us, he has a lot to work through yet. He is obviously still hurting. The anger will go as he works through all this.

CeMar. Sorry to talk about you in the third person, it was the only way I could figure to say what I said. I know you have seen me all over the place in my relationship. I am here to tell you at least this much - you have started a chain reaction in your relationship, whether you like it or not. You might as well get her to read Michele's book, and any others you have been reading. Tell her point blank that your relationship is in trouble, and that you desperately need her help to fix it. There is no magic. You are going to have to make something happen, AND be prepared for the fallout when it does. Otherwise, it is likely that nothing will ever change.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

NOPkins,

I understand both CeMar's anger and his venting. It's just his male/female generalizations that bug me.

Also, all the stats in the world are not going to change things. Stats can be twisted to say anything one wants.

Dr. Laura's Masters is in Marine Biology or something, it's not in psychology. Honest! Probably not the most reliable info.

NOPkins, I'm really interested in how you came by your
posting name. I would rather not say why on the board.
If you feel comfortable doing so, email me at rayannedber@yahoo.com. If not, no problem.

CeMar,
Sorry! I probably should have just let you vent and not commented. That's what lack of sleep and sex can do for you.
I was being somewhat b*tchy.

rayanne

Hi, rayanne.

The name is from a machine level computer instruction called a NOP which is an acronym for "No OPeration". Basicallly a computer instruction which used to be used in situations where you needed a very tight timing loop or just to waste some time waiting on another event. It is a very useful instruction that does nothing but waste some processor time.

The name comes from me feeling that sometimes, my life is going nowhere, mighty fast :-)

I will drop you an email a bit later on this evening.

-NOPkins-

Hi NOPkin's,

Oh, I see. I understand the feeling. That's clever. I'm not really up on my computer terms. I was thinking of something else.

rayanne

Nopkins:

I am still in the early stage of my journey. Anger is normal under the conditions, but I should not put to much blame on the wife. I do find myself blaming God (and I hate doing this). That's what truly sucks about the situation, there are so many people to blame(including myself) for this problem and I don't want to blame them anymore. But then why can't I have a normal wife that loves sex, that loves to be touched, that loves to kiss. I read what the HD females are trying in their relationships with their LD men, and I am amazed at how GREAT these women sound compared to my NON-SEXUAL wife. I would give ANYTHING to have a wife like these HD women, ANYTHING!

All I can tell you is what I am doing with my wife.

I am making sure that she is involved in all this, good, bad, or ugly. As long as she will remain involved in the repair of our relationship, I will continue to honor my vows.

I will tell you what I hope to accomplish. I want to find out if she really is, or really ever was, the sexual creature I once thought I knew. If so, I want to drag it out of her, kicking and screaming if necessary. Like you, I want the passion and romance back in our marriage. As it is right now, most of the mystery, passion and romance are stumbling about in my imagination, looking for a way out. I find myself with my strong feelings of love and passion as we make love (or lately, just have sex), in a one actor play.

Even though we are "doing it" a little more than before, the relationship is still far from satisfactory. In all honesty, it may never be. This may be as good as it gets. I hope that is not the case with us. I tell you truthfully, when I tell others to "take the bull by the horns", I am following the same advice myslef. I will NOT wake up 10 years from now with my life having changed little from it's current incarnation.

For what it is worth, I had relationships with HD women that didn't last. As much as you might think that gooooood sex is the answer to all your problems, it isn't. I do completely understand how important it is though. Just make sure that there really is something solid between you and your wife. Make sure she has very firm ground to depend on between you and her.

You have to state your position clearly to her. It will then be her responsibility to take the next step. At some point, you have to do your part. Write a letter, email, talk to her, whatever, you have to take the first step.

-NOPkins-

CeMar,
I think part of your anger stems from the fact that you are helpless to DO anything about this situation. All you are is a bystander; standing by watching your marriage self destruct. All HD people struggling with this have felt this way and the anger is a very real emotion. It is easy to say, Accept it or leave. But it is so very hard to do that. I agree with you on your moral convictions to avoid divorce, as well as avoiding it for the sake of your children.

Here is what helped me make it through some of the darkest days: Taking back a little of the power. My LD husband held all the power in the sexual relationship and to say it is frustrating to be powerless is a massive understatement.

So I developed an Exit Strategy. This might seem anti-DB'ing but this really helped me. I mapped everything out that I would do, including a time frame. Mine started with communicating HEAVILY with my H and trying to resolve the problem in every way possible. I gave this 1-2 years. The next move was that I would move into a guest bedroom. Now since we don't have a guest bedroom, for me that would have meant moving into the basement. I mentioned this to H and he was (no surprise) totally opposed to this, so I agreed that I would sell our queen sized bed and buy two twins. Now this drastic step would have come after a VERY long time of trying to change it.

Basically I was no longer willing to let him live in his denial-created world where we lie down next to each other every night and pretend that not having sex is the way that we should be living. I simply was not willing to participate in the sham any longer. I was going to take back my power and either move out of the bedroom or at the very least, not sleep next to him every night. It would be sending a clear message to him and to anyone who visits our home. I really didn't care about that. The ONLY thing I was concerned about in this scenario was the impact it would have on my kids--would they grow up thinking that it was normal for moms and dads to not sleep together?

Luckily for me, it never came to this stage (or even close) but I felt much better having this plan in my arsenal. I felt that I had taken a little power back and had something to take away from him, if he didn't take my words seriously.

The next stage, after moving out of the marital bedroom, was to wait until the kids were older and then move out into my own apartment. After that, I would pursue an annulment and go from there. I even checked out a book from the library on Annulment. I was dead serious, Cemar. This was not me venting. I was making a life plan for myself, in the event that he decided not to fully participate in our marriage.

I don't know what was the catalyst for him changing things around and I suppose I never will. But I do wonder if my Exit Strategy gave me a "seriousness" that he could see (without my outright sharing my plan, cause that would have been manipulative and totally counterproductive to my plan of increasing the love between us). I think that prior to this, I might have sounded a bit like "Things better change..or...or....ELSE!" and of course there was no "else", cause I was not going anywhere and he knew it.

These are just some thoughts for you on how to handle the deep frustration that this situation causes. Hope you start communicating with your wife SOON.

Honey

I'm not sure what to say...
As a HD man being with a ND woman I can say that I have tried to communicate with her in every way possible, and it ends up the same everytime... an argument, completely opposite of what I was looking for.
I bought the book SSM , read it, left it where she could find it... she found it, yelled at me to leave her alone, gave me back the book and I found that she had written "SEX IS NOT IMPORTANT" on every page in black permanent marker.

She Constantly accuses ME of cheating on her because she thinks the only thing I what is sex.
Wrong... I WANT LOVE ... to feel LOVED...
I swear she is going to drive me to cheat on her...
I'm terrified that one day, I'll just be goin along, doing my daily thing, and... WHAM! A woman acually is nice to me and finds me attractive... I'm sorry, but I may find it difficult to resist and just melt.

I feel that living with a ND woman is pointless. Why am I working so hard to me her needs when mine are just dicounted and rendered meaningless by her. I just feel like a workhorse for woman that barely acts like I exist.

rockr,

Are you sure she is ND and the lack of sex isn't about something else?

Have you read "Divorce Busting" or "The Divorce Remedy"?
Another good book is "The Five Love Languages" by Coleman.
Perhaps if you concentrate on other areas of your M, the sex will improve. I think it would have for me. Strange as it sounds, I think my STBX withheld sex because he was angry at other things.

You W may not even know why she doesn't feel like sleeping with you.

Would it be worth a try?

rayanne

She would kill me if she know that I mentioned the she was sexually abused as a child.
She says that she is past it ansd she has no problems with it.
Besides having absolutely not desire, she is verbally abusive, drinks beer all the time and gets stoned at least 3 times a day... but hey, she says it's all me.

My new years resolution is to figure out how to leave.