I had a friend move in 3 weeks ago, she was very down on her luck, and had no where else to go. Well last Monday she called me at work to tell me she had been sleeping with my husband for the last week, and she couldn't stand it anymore, so she was moving out. I was of course in shock, so I left work, went to my husbands, and asked him to come home.
When we got home, I confronted him and he admitted to it. I was shocked and angry, I attacked him, kicked him (probably shouldn't have done that) I then later punched him in the face, all out of pure anger.
We have had sex issues; I was never in the mood or initiated anything. I went to the bookstore to find a book to help me deal with his infidelity, and stumbled upon the book ‘The Sex-Starved Marriage’ I leafed through it and thought it might do the trick, so I bought it. I have never had a self-help book pinpoint a problem so close to the head! My husband and I started reading it together. I wish we would have had it or known it existed a month ago, even years ago!.
The book speaks of the problem leading to infidelity, and to fix the problem before it happens, but in our case, the infidelity comes before the book. How do I use the book if I don’t even want to sleep with him at the moment? Our big problem is this, I cant get affectionate with him right now because of the infidelity, and he cant get over the fact that I haven’t wanted to be affectionate for the past couple years. So if we are to work things out, one or both of us has to get over it! That is hard to do.
Hi. It's great you have recognised this problem. Don't think it is too late because he was unfaithful. By looking thru some of the threads on this site you will see how difficult it is for people to deal with this constant rejection and lack of interest from their partners. It is pretty easy to make a mistake when you are in that situation and can see no way out.
Give your H another chance. What you should realise is that you asked him to stay faithful and got very angry when he didn't. But there is another side to the issue of faithfulness. When you marry someone the implied commitment is that you will share a love life. You aren't asking them to be celibate for the rest of their life. That isn't what they agreed to at all. In a way never having sex with them is a sort of betrayal of your marriage vows. It really hurts. It makes them feel unattractive and unloved.
Your H must make up to you for what he did, but I think you must also make up to him for the years of pain and loneliness you have put him thru. Have a talk about this with him and make a new commitment to be there for each other. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. But maybe you do want to show him how much you care for him in a way that will mean a great deal to him. To make your M stronger so you will not have this problem in future or worse a divorce. Just think of all the reasons to say yes. Take things at your own pace and don't do anything you are not comfortable with. He doesn't want that he wants you to enjoy it too. You can find a way to make it work out.
Well, congratulations on taking an active role in solving your marital problems. It's big. You are looking for solutions, and that is more than half the battle.
You are correct in saying you need to put some kind of perspective on the infidelity before you can attack the sex issue. Michele has an article on this site you might want to read: Healing from Infidelity It may give you a place to begin.
How does your H feel about working on your marriage? Does he want to stay together as you do, or does he seem to be on the fence?
Take one day at a time, and take heart in the fact that you are on your way to healing.
Please don't stop communicating with us. Many men or women for that matter, here have had or are hoping to have an affair to relieve the sexual build up from a sexless marriage.
So many more persons are in the same boat as you, or are in your dh's shoes.
Please read, don't sweat your feeling for dh now. He know's he's in trouble, but secretly he's thrilled that you are actually trying to understand.
Wow, be strong. Feel your emotions strongly, go push through the pain. In fact, go ahead and beat the hell out of him. But please plan to stay and work. It will be sweet in the end!
Oh yeah, don't leave us....you new found faceless friends. We're here for support, venting, advise (radical and useful) and emotional knowledge.
It blows my mind how ND or LD women act so surprised when their HD man finally gives up and asks for divorce or has an affair. What do they think? a guy is going to stay sex-starved forever and be happy about it. So tell me what you were thinking...
I agree rockr. ND or LD women that are giving their husbands virtually no sex SHOULD EXPECT THEIR HUSBANDS TO CHEAT. They are FORCING their husbands into the arms of others. How can they NOT SEE THIS? Asking a HD man to go without sex is like asking a women to give up TALKING!
No one "forces" anyone into the arms of another. People choose to have affairs. I agree that having a sexless marriage would tempt nearly anyone, but it is still a choice you make, to be faithful or not. If you cheat, don't blame your spouse - he/she didn't force you to have sex with someone else. Take some responsibility for your own actions, just like you are asking others (your W, for one) to take responsibility for theirs.
I do believe what the fella's here are trying to say is that if it is let known to the w or ld spouse that needs are not being met and the w or ld spouse chooses to not take action to atempt to meet those needs why would they (the w or ld spouse) then be surprised to learn of infidelity???
No it's not an exuse but it sure as hell is an explenation something so many people who's spouse have an affair want an answer to...well there ya've got one.
The "EMOTIONAL" need for sexual fullfillment is usually the most important need a man has. I would say it is even more important to the man then any of the "EMOTIONAL" needs of the woman. I say this not to be sexist, but from what I have read from experts, men effectively put all their eggs in one basket, while the womens needs tend to be more evenly spread out. If you do not meet the man's "EMOTIONAL" need for sexual fulfillment, you basically are destroying him.
So if the HD man has the need for sexual fullfillment, and his wife is incapable of meeting that need, WHAT ARE HIS CHOICES? If he chooses fidelity, this is very honerable, but this is almost worse then death, you literally are living a life with no meaning. Now, many on this board say that it is the responsibility of the man to make himself happy, and to not rely upon the spouse to "VALIDATE" him. Unfortuanately, the need for sexual fullfillment can only be met by the FULL PARTICIAPATION of another person. If the LD spouse has the need for communication, then if the other spouse does not adequately meet that need, the LD spouse can still get that need met in other ways, as in other friends. But the HD male is not so lucky, His choices are the following: 1) To give up sex and his "EMOTIONAL" well being, and therefore give his own life no meaning. 2) To cheat, which obviously is very hard on the relationship as well as his own morals. 3) To divorce, which screws up EVERYBODY involved, and is ALSO against the guys morals and religion. 4) To work to fix the relationship. This is the only option that really promises success without lots of devastation in the short term.
The key to fixing the problem depends upon the LD spouse recognizing the problem. It requires that the LD spouse see the problem as an "EMOTIONAL" needs problem. Many LD spouses will see this as a "PHYSICAL" needs problem, WHICH IS COMPLETELY WRONG. If the LD spouse does not meet the need for "Sexual Fullfillment", the man won't have physical problems, he will have "EMOTIONAL" problems. Since LD spouses usually fo not have this "EMOTIONAL" need, then can not see it as being that important, therefore many of them describe it is a "PHYSICAL" need, therebye diminishing it's importance. Success is most likely when the LD spouse sees it for what it really is, an "EMOTIONAL" need that is required for the "Emotional" well being of the HD spouse. It is SO important, the HD males will do ANYTHING to get it. Look at Bill CLinton, he is the perfect example of a HD male that will RISK EVERYTHING to get his SPECIAL relationships.
Cheating is the easy way out for a spouse who is afraid to make a choice about a current dilemma. Infidelity allows a person to ignore those tough choices and actively participate in an illusion that only brings temporary relief to a symptom, not the underlying disease, and in itself can become its own destructive force (in which case, the cheating spouse never did have to make the tough choice. Being found out makes it for them).
Divorce, in most cases, is the same thing without the lie, but a least those who seek a divorce (without the cheating) have the balls to own the fact that they just can't take it anymore and are honest about it.
