Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My 40 year old wife's MLC

Leave her alone and like Eric said don't try to get in her head.

Now be curious about why she asked about the mortgage balance, but don't ask her why she asked.

Listen don't assume anything, but if you're in this situation, she's leaning towards you being to blame and divorce as the answer.

SO DON'T ADD TO THE CHAOS OR JUSTIFICATION.

Just be quiet, act as if everything is fine in your world.

It's counter intuitive but thats what you have to do.

I made every mistake that an LBS could make.

They're pretty good at half truths at the beginning.

I'll give you my example, shortly after my bomb drop, my wife had a book on depression, the moment, the very moment, I mentioned it, instant denial and I defeated myself.

The key to this deal for both of you is time.

If I had do overs, maybe I'd still be divorced, but I wouldn't have crashed or paniced like I did.

The moment I went to short and sweet and not doing much, I started getting thank you's and waves.

Her mind, emotions, everything is all over the place.

Pray for her.

Do what I wasn't able to do at first.

Love her enough to leave her alone and get knee deep in other peoples threads too.

Protect yourself financially.

Listen for clues, "what would you do if we got a divorce?"

She's fishing, is there going to be a fight or not from you.

They have to run and justify.

Don't add to it.

Don't you leave the house and you watch those kids and pray.

No lengthy emails or texts.

They can't read past the first line anyway and if they do, they're looking for a reason to justify being angry at you.

Any contact you make it's going to ignite a fire and she's going to try to fix you, kids, anyone before she looks at herself.

It hurts and it hurts like hell, it may always hurt.

It isn't your wife as you knew her and she may not always be the way she is now.

Position yourself to be the better option.

The ones that hurt the most change the most and that's us as the LBS.

We get the hardwork.

We take on the burden of hurting for them, the heartbreak for ourselves, kids distanced from.

You have to be bigger than yourself for those kids.

Troy

Did you go to the beach? How are you bud?

Still drinking our favorite drink?

Hey Eric,
I decided to go the first weekend in November since the rates drop even lower after Nov1 and the water temp will still be in the 80s. I was doing a great job of STFU until last night. My son sprained his wrist at our football game Wed night and I took him to the doctor yesterday and they put him in a cast. No fracture which is good but they casted him up to stabilize it for a few weeks. My wife comes home and looks at the cast and mouths to me "This is so stupid". I got pissed and went our room to go to bed since I had to be up at 4:30am this morning. She follows me back and starts in on the Why won't you move out and leave me in peace speech. I tell her I have nothing to say to her and try to walk out the door to the screened porch to get away from her and she sluggs me twice on the back with her fists before I could get the door unlocked. I turned around and told her to hit me in the face if she is that angry and she starts crying. Says I am killing her by not leaving. Says she is going to have me served with papers that will make me move out. I said its my house if you are so unhappy then you should leave and I will handle the kids. She says she is going to take the kids and go to her parents. At this point I tried to say as little as possible. She said I am acting like everything is fine in my life and it pisses her off. She thinks I would be content to live like this for the rest of my life. Starts bringing up my parents marriage as an example of why I am so f'd up. I told her we don't get to pick our parents. After about 90 minutes her her crying and yelling I asked her what she wanted in her ideal relationship with a man and she said communication. That is it Communication and I had screwed up by not talking to her over the past two years.

I did my best to be quiet and listen but I did say some things.
She left it with the I am killing her statement I said that I was sorry she felt that way but she was free to leave at any time as long as she leaves the kids with me. Worst part is the kids had to hear it all. Their bedrooms are right next to ours.

My question is where is all of this anger coming from? You would think I was an adulter, wife beater and child abuser all rolled into one the degree of anger she has toward me.

Sucks but after getting two hours of sleep last night I feel pretty good today. I am going back to stfu strategy and see what happens.

Troy,

Given the circumstances, it sounds like you handled yourself fairly well. We all falter every now and again, especially when put in a situation such as that. She's obviously full of anger. Don't try to understand it. Just validate it, listen, and keep your focus on yourself. It sucks about the kids hearing, but all you can do is try to be a role model to them and demonstrate that responding angrily to angriness doesn't help anything. Work on controlling your own emotions. The fact that a comment from her can get you pissed off is a big problem. Work on your detachment so that that doesn't happen because I guarantee you, you'll be put in many similar situations. Chin up!

Troy


I am sorry BUT I do NOT agree with Alb statement that “Given the circumstances, it sounds like you handled yourself fairly well.’ (no offence Alb). I’m probably being a little harder on you than most but only for one reason – so that YOU do not continue to make the same mistakes that I made over and over and over again. So that you can be in a position to grown and learn from this and maybe just maybe get back your W. That is what you want right? If so, then re-read your post and tell me if you agree with Alb that you did okay.

So now that you know I am gonna be hard on ya….

Let me show you something…..








You know what I see up there ^^^^^

I “told her”, I got “pissed”, I “had” to, I “tell her”, I “said” and I “asked”….

I see your control issue and see that your male ego, sense of entitlement and machco ‘tude took over.

I, I, I, Me, me, me, me, what I want, me, me, me, I, I, I…I want, I want, I need, I want, this is wrong, wow is me, I, I, I…..

What YOU want? Are you chitting me? You EXPECT her to consider what YOU want? I mean really?

What YOU are TELLING HER by your interaction is that she does not matter. Her feeling do not matter. You are telling her that it is what you want and I think she did already did that. And did that for how long? I think she dealt with YOUR depression. I think she dealt with YOUR bullchit for HOW LONG? AND NOW…..that you’ve done some changes, well she should just get back in line and cancel this whole divorce thing. Why can’t thing go back to the way they were, especially now that YOU made some changes? Troy, let me answer this for you. She does NOT want to go back to the way things were. Actually right now she does not want YOU. Having said this, she doesn’t know the new YOU – NOT YET.

You showed her in YOUR ACTIONS and IN YOUR WORDS that YOU are making her issues with HER about YOU. That’s not gonna work with someone in an MLC.

Guess what if I can see it Troy, so can she.

Let me ask you dude, do you respect her Troy? I mean really do you RESPECT HER? Hey between us guys. Seriously, do you really respect her?

And don’t give me any bullchit about yeah….I do and “I love her”…Fuc* dat – if you respect her then learn to STFU and LISTEN to what she has to say. Learn to be compassionate. Learn to look at things from HER perspective while at the same time realizing that she is fu*ked up in the head right now. Do not defend yourself…just listen.

I also see your anger and dude FTR, you have every right to be angry. Here is the thing….she is pissed off too. Your both pissed. So who is gonna be the better person? You or HER? Do you think she can be the better person right now? Have you really read the MLC resources? I mean really read them? Do you understand how long this process takes? Do you understand that first she must figure her own chit out, while at the same time YOU become the better option? Do you really understand it?

Look at these words and tell me what YOU think they mean…In your own words and I will be bother you for a response.

Patience

Love

Compassion

Understanding


What kind of person do you want to be Troy? I mean really – what kind? The kind that a woman can fall in love with because you respect her and her CHOICES. Hey, you may not agree with them BUT you can respect them. What kind of person Troy.

I hate to say it…you failed yesterday! Now get over it and do not beat yourself up; although I know YOU will. Don’t. You could have done better and hey FTR, maybe I am expecting too much from you. I don’t know. I want you to learn a few things about YOURSELF…about RESPECT…about COMPASSION and about true LOVE.



Best thing that you could do. One other thing you need to add to this list….

Learn about where you really failed in the M…and no not just the depression, not just the “business” side of things….no…what I talk about is bigger than that…learn about YOU and HOW YOU interact with people. Learn about understanding, learn about real love, learn about control.

A few other comments…oh…and I’ll tell you what I say to others….feel free to go tell me to go f*ck myself. I don’t take it personal. Really I don’t.



Honestly, do not leave the house BUT if you think it is best – do what you need to do. Others will tell you never to leave and realize that this would reflect negatively on you from a custody perspective. My advice, as best you can try to avoid her. Go out if she is there. Take the kids with you. Just try and stay away from her.


Nice ….so you egg her on….really nice. Do you feel like more of a man? Can you see how this was probably not the smartest thing to do?


She is angry…she is hurt…she will say things in her anger and hurt. Your response should be? Hint….It is not a mach response like “I will handle the kids”.


This is her trying to manipulate YOU into leaving. Ignore it.

Finally, Never and I mean never argue in front of the kids. They are the innocent bystanders in this. Next time this start up, I would suggest to HER that you guys have this conversation outside and AWAY from the kids. The reason….you do not want your kids angry at EITHER of YOU (you will be tempted to say not angry at YOU – but really you do not want them angry at there mom – even if she is trying to leave your ass).

Sorry if I am being too hard on you….

If you look inside yourself…you will understand why.

God Bless,
Eric

There might be longer things in the world than Eric's post...

BUT

I think it's a wall in China.

I think MWD had to get more server space...

Troy has to start a new thread with one post from Eric.

Just sayin.

I WAS going to get all offended that Eric would dare disagree with me but TG's comment was just too funny

Guess I'll have to continue with a positive attitude after all. Thanks a heap TG.

Eric:
I know I had a chewing coming and I need it. I respect her-she has become so independent during this process and has absolutely no fear about leaving me and going out on her own. If we had the financial wherewithal she would have been long gone-for once our financial shape works in our favor by biding some time. I know this is a long, long journey. Its been 3 months now and its not going to end any time soon. In the future when she confronts me I plan to just listen and support her. I was doing that last night but then she starts in on the why won't you fight with me? Why are you so passive and that pushes my button and I say something I should not have said. I am angry at her about this. I know it does not help but I am angry. When she was crying for an hour last night i wanted so much to just put my arms around and hold her but I know that is not going to fly. My emotions over the past few weeks are frustration and anxiety. Not good ones to be over dosing on.

Patience-being able to wait for what you want. Not giving up.
Love-the feeling that you would do anything in the world for somebody without giving it a second thought. Supporting somebody even when you know they are wrong.
Compassion-putting yourself in somebody else's position and recognizing that they may feel differently about a situation that you would because they are a different person.
Understanding-recognizing that people react differently to different situations and it may not be the way you would have done something but that does not make it wrong.

I know the things I did to poison this marriage. I know I cannot talk my way out of the pain I caused. I can only look forward and try to work on me. She notices the changes I have made but currently they only make her more angry about the way I acted in the last year or so. The frustrating thing is that now that the cards are on the table we can tackle any problem that we have if we work together. The things that used to stress me out and keep me up at night are no longer a blip on my radar screen. I just keep praying for God to shine his light into my heart and make me a better person.

OK. We all have done that in this.

You'll get better. Just do better.



You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into.

Your definitions up there. Good.

Keep with it Troy you'll get there.

Hey Troy,

I know...I'm so full of questions...


Can you describe this better person that you want to be - can you visualize it?

Eric