Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Always and Forever??????

Was just wondering...
Do you ever think about the fact that as people tell you this experience is really a gift - that this is time to become your best person - doesn't quite match being told that part of being a part of a couple - a really healthy couple - is the comfort in knowing that you don't have to be your best but that you work to be your best with your closest friend who supports and accepts you for better or worse?
Hopefully this is clear...

Irish,
That is perfectly clear. I thought about this since day one of this mess.

I have posted about that too.

Here is the thing:

You did not ask for this. You know that.

If it is MLC, this was going to happen.

Brook has said many times to people here that they

must go through their journey without us.

The better or worse part gets thrown out the window

with an MLC'r.

However, it does not get thrown out the window for us.

We are the ones standing because this is the "worse".

At the same time, we have been given this opportunity to

look at ourselves and find the things that we have lost

in ourselves because of the marriage and the patterns

we allowed ourselves to create.

So you do get the chance to become your best person as you state.

So you can choose to use this time wisely and become that better

Irish that I can see is in YOU or you have the choice to just

keep doing the same thing again in the next relationship whether

it is with your H or someone else.

My W was my best friend through this as well. We started a

friendship before we got married. We certainly did not marry

based on sex.

You state being a really healthy couple. I thought we were.

I bet you thought the same thing with your M.

Looking back now, I realize that the marriage did have some

faults. We could have continued on and I still would have been

happy. But at the same time, I had to give up a lot to keep

my W happy in order for me to stay happy. That is not a good

trade. No one should have to be the pivotal person to make or

break a relationship.

That is what I do not want to go back to. The only way that

my W is going to get through this and end up with me is if

she can find that happiness is found within. Not from external

sources. I have to let her find that. If she does not figure

that out, my M will become a prison again. A prison that I let

happen. I let myself believe that is what all marriages are

like. I let myself believe that this is what it is meant by

marriages are hard work. I still think marriages are hard work.

But not the way that I was working it. That had to stop. It took

this crisis to stop it. I am just beginning to see some of this

8 months after bomb.

I hope this helps.

Warrior

Warrior -

It definitely helps. And FTR I agree with you. You use the term "prison" and to be honest I never really thought about it like that. I knew that I had somewhat "lost" myself in the marriage - but it never mattered to me because the life I had with H was greater than anything I could have dreamed of for myself. I didn't have role models of what it was supposed to look like - I just knew what it WASN'T supposed to look like. And what we had was different. Everyone saw us as best friends who supported each other and supported our kids in every way. But he is not happy and does not want this - period. I can't continuing taking the blame from him nor from myself. I want to enjoy life - responsibly - I want to enjoy being around other people as well as being alone. I want my kids to find comfort being with me.

On another positive note - my brother and his family from TX called me and said they were going to come here for Thanksgiving! I am SO excited!

Spur of the moment dinner invite from friends - all couples and me. Couples that H and I used to do things with / really lovely people - family people.

Splurged on college basketball tickets for S and myself. Shouldn't have but I am going to push myself to get out a little more.

Still probably wondering too much what H is doing...he is so far removed from the life we have lived. I am going to really work over the next two months to enjoy the holidays, family, friends and especially my kids.

Was wondering what people say to others when they ask what's going on...as I start to go out to my S's games and people ask how I am and such - what's the right answer. The truth is "crushed but coping" - not sure what the right thing is.

Hey IB, I told the truth simply. H and I are separated right now. I'm doing well, thanks for asking. Details are no one's business.

IB, I was thinking of you today. I wanted to comment on your post.

At the beginning of all this, I felt as you did. H and I were friends, partners, a team. Our marriage was strong, solid, good.

And for the most part, that was true. But as I began to walk this journey, things became clearer.

I started to realize that while our marriage was good in a lot of ways, there were things that were not good.

I realized that I allowed my h to make me feel inadequate. I take responsibility for allowing it. That's all I can do. I cant take responsibility for his part.

As I continued soul searching, I began to see and understand other things about myself and the dynamics in my marriage. I changed the things about me that I wanted to change.

We should all strive to be our best selves. For us.

Do I love and accept my h? Yes, I do. But, I could not assume he felt the same. I can only take responsibility for me.

Sweetie, I know that if you look really hard, you will begin to see that there were things in your marriage that needed to be looked at.

The fact that you feel as you do about yourself and the fact that your h was doing things that made you feel badly speaks to that.

Things were not perfect, were they?

I always tell people when they start out on this path, to start by looking at the marriage to see what things they want to change within themselves, but dont get stuck there.

Use it as a jumping off point on the road to self discovery, but dont end there.

You walk your journey. Stay out of the way of his.

I lost a lot of valuable time trying to figure out why and what he was thinking and feeling.

I dont want to see you do the same.

So, let him blow in the wind right now.

Who cares what he's doing? You get to build an even closer relationship with your children. You get to find out who you are and what you want, what you're capable of, what makes you fulfilled and happy outside of him.

Lucky you.

Thanks Brooklyn for your response.

One of my biggest struggles is the fact that 3 years ago when I busted H with a second cell phone we entered into some intensive counseling. And I had to take a lot of responsibility for my contributions to the problems in the M. I know that I made changes - seriously good, difficult changes. Changes my kids saw - changes that I felt good about. But he hadn't - he lied through counseling and continued to engage in the sexual addiction. So today when I think about what I would do differently - I would continue doing what I have been doing over the last 3 years.

I must spend more time (guilt-free) on myself - my health, my happiness, my relationships, etc.

I listen to all of the people on the board - many who have contact with their H's and who seem to have still some connection / my h wants NOTHING to do with me. Yes, I went dark and have stayed dark since July 30th. But there is NO indication that he misses me or anything about what we had. He presents in such a cocky, confident manner (according to kids and friends) - I know I sound whiny and I don't want 2x4s - because I am really working to not be stuck by all of this - I really just want someone to understand. I'm not looking for pity - nor sympathy - maybe I just want validation that I'm headed in the right direction.

I know exactly how you feel.My husband never asks about me,never calls,no emails,never added me as a friend on f/b when I asked him to..NOTHING.it's like I never existed in his life. now his life is centered around her and her family.
I pray and hope I am not stuck for good. I just dont want anyone else as my husband or a partner.
I got the best yrs out of him tho.
Our children,he was a great dad, a great husband, a great grandpa, and a good provider.
Now she has a (1).A husband who cheats on his wife,(2).a man who abandoned his kids and the rest of the family, and a man who does not want to work.
Yea I think I got the better of him...lots of good memories,we have a history together,a bond that will never be broken..
But I know how it feels for them to never think of us at all.
and my thoughts of him are fewer and fewer...still hurts and I still get sad but I think of all the positives that we did have together..those can NEVER been taken from me or us for they are in our hearts and our minds forever....
Irma

Sweetie, I'm not the 2x4 type. Doesnt mean I wont give them, but I prefer a soft tap. OK, maybe a big tap in your case.

Nothing you did or didnt do caused your h to start and continue his behaviour. NOTHING! That's all his.

A couple of other things...I had contact for a long time with h, limited, but some. I dont have much now. But, I can tell you a couple of things.

My h, over three years post bomb, still told me he is not happy. So, what you believe to be true, might not be.

And he may appear cocky because in is mind, you are the problem and now he's found the solution. And that is going to be a great, big letdown for him when down the road, he still isnt happy.

My BIL, who thankfully made it out of the tunnel, said, while he appeared to all happy, confident and in control, he was feeling anything but that.

Having said all this, I really and truly do understand what you are feeling. I do. I felt all the same things. And slowly, over time, I realized that it is what it is. And dwelling on the whatifs and whys wasnt going to change it.

The only thing that I could change was me.

My h, well, his stuff was his.

And no amount of me wishing and hoping and analyzing was going to change that.

So, I know that you are headed in the right direction. You just need to stop looking over your shoulder at him and start looking straight ahead to your new life.

ILMN -

Thank you for putting it that way...I did get his BEST years! I was in the stands when he was the college star, when he was the head coach (win or lose), when our children were born, when jobs were gained, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, ...
Now I am on the sidelines enjoying all that he gave up.
And it is amazing!

IB

Amen to that.......our daughter just turned 16 and she is doing all kinds of things and going to homecoming games, homecoming dances,getting all prettied up, all he see are her f/b pics...she took the papers very well but she is like her father,never discusses her true feelings.
I asked her if she wanted to talk about how she felt, she told me she felt nothing, that it was his choice and he was missing out on her life everyday, but I think she is burying all her feelings deep inside.
I hope and pray this will not affect her in her future relationships.I worry about her all the time because she never really cried except right at first and hasnt done much of it.
Maybe I am reading too much into it after all she is a typical teenager,growing up so fast,we are not as close as we were when he first left,but I am trusting God with my life, my family,my marriage...there are times when I just want to give up but I am in it till the end....may God give me strength to do so.....after all if I dont pray for my husband who will??
Again Robx thank you for your concern please forgive me.... Irma