Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis How should H act if he wants a R ?

Eric, you raised many good questions and I sat here asking myself to be truthful to me. WOW!! I never looked at it that way, it was all about me as well.

Now what should I do ??? I did push him further away to reconciling. I saw him last night because we went to a wake together. He asked me if we could go together. I agreed. Once again, he offered to help with chores around the house. He hasn't lived here with me in 7 months. He told me over the weekend he wouldn't let me fall financially.
My meltdown this past weekend was when we learned of someone's death and I said to him, " See, life is short. I know it is easy for you to move forward because you mentally checked out on me a long time ago and I am still not there. I have not detached myself from you."
That made him run.

Should I stay away for a while ?? Make him pursue me ?
Or call him up and say I admit I was wrong about things.

You really opened up my eyes. Thank you.

Ok, I need the brutal truth. See, it helps that you don't know me and can be objective. I can handle it.

I would really like to know, should I call my H and say I was wrong about what I said, how I reacted ?

I really good use some good advice....even the Life Coach I saw said my H was all about him and not considerate of me and my feelings. He was putting couples together for over 30 years. I listened to him.

C4

I think I’d like to call you C4 if that is okay? C4 reminds me of the military explosive stuff and c4 you seem to pack quite a bang. That said here would be my advice..

1) Sit down and figure out what you really want and IF you really can do this. By this I mean go thru a process of looking inside yourself to find things about yourself that you want to change. Change YOU and maybe your H comes back. Remember no one here can guarantee that your M will be saved. What I think many will say to you is that YOU will be different if you put in the work.
2) Tell me what complaints your H had about YOU.
3) Tell me a little bit about yourself – what hobbies do you have, what dreams you have, etc.
4) Ask yourself if you love your H enough to let him go for now.
5) Can you manage to keep your emotion under control and as punkin said…remove that chip from your shoulder.
6) Have you read the MLC resources? If so, what do YOU think your next steps are?
7) Do you understand what detachment really is?


What does he need to do? How long are you willing to wait?


Would you consider yourself needy?


What do you think he is telling YOU with these statements? Can you see how your insistence on getting what YOU want when YOU want it may have pushed him away?


Can you live with being just his friend for a period of time? And I mean Friend…not your H acting as a friend..I mean friend.


Personally, he could have promised you the world. His ACTIONS will need to speak and they just MAY BUT it will be in HIS time NOT YOURS. Once again, can you wait?


Can you ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND that RIGHT NOW he may not want to reconcile and really just wants to be friends? Do you consider yourself strong?


Not if you give him a reason to WANT to spend time with his friends. Can you give him the space he needs? Can you set aside your feelings and wants for a while? AND in that time focus on fixing YOU?


He doesn’t and he said as much when he said….



Is he wrong for EXPECTING YOU to give him space? Once again, this is what YOU want…it is not respectful of WHAT he wants and right now, he is thinking about HIM.


I could not agree more with Jack statement up there ^^^. However, this is YOUR decision to make. You should not want to go through this process because I tell you too. It is your call.


Punkin is wrong – she is an excellent DB’r – cause DB teaches you about YOU…and Punkin…has learned about herself. Do you want the same? Up for the challenge?


You want the truth…you can’t handle the truth (sorry I had to repeat one of my fav jack nick movie quotes)…seriously, do nothing right now. Nothing. Why?

You are operating from a place of fear and utter panic.

You are shi!ting brinks right now.

You still think that YOU can fix him

Let focus on YOU for a bit…then we can talk about YOUR h.

Answer the questions that I posed to you. I will check on you tomorrow and DO NOT call YOUR H. Not NOW…just wait C4…just wait.

Patience…my dear is a virtue that you will come to learn here…

Your M did not fall apart overnight and no matter what YOU do it will not get fixed overnight.

God Bless,
Eric

One other question...


Would you prefer that he come back because you made him feel guilty, because you twisted his arm, because he did it just to shut you up OR do you want him to come back to you because he is totally in love with you? The answer to this question will answer yours.

Ok Eric Here goes...and thanks for getting back to me.

First, did you read my WHOLE story? I have a link on another thread about contradictions and my first posting was in Infidelity. This way you would get my background.

I am constantly introspecting and reflecting, always listening what others have to say. Mind you, everyone has an opinion or perception. I will say this, the professionals over the years and currently, said to me that H wasn’t willing to compromise, acted stubborn, never wanted to “ be in my shoes and think how I feel” , it was all about him.

The impression that I get from many of you on this forum is that the person in MLC is exonerated for their actions because of something that happened to them in their childhood or from an negative experience. I am not sure if that describes my H, a lot of his behavior is his personality but it has gotten worse AND I am not sure I agree with that. I had an alcoholic mother and maybe that is why I feel insecure at times since his affair and why I became a little needy. Although I can’t complain about my life, it would have been nice to have a mom to talk to when I needed her the most. My H was my refuge back then. H was always my best friend. So I wasn’t losing my husband, I was losing my best friend.

I realize how what I said over the years could have hurt him BUT he did a lot of hurtful things ever since we have been together and I mean major issues. Neither one of us was perfect. We have both agreed to that. He has said many times over the past 30 years, “ we are basically good people but we are not good for each other.”

Yes, I was telling him after each incident how upset I was.
What, I wasn't supposed to ????

Over the past 20 years, I have had 2 of his female coworkers tell me to my face how they would treat my H if they had him, that I don't treat him right, I don't appreciate him.
Funny, none of my female friends ever had this happen to them. I have had it twice.
H was getting quite chummy with these women.
When I mentioned what they said to me, he got angry with me and stopped talking to me for a week. The last time it happened, it was at a Christmas party in a fancy place in NYC. He got so hammered, he walked out of the place without me. His co-workers had to go after him. As we walked to the train station, he walked a block ahead of me.

July 1st he apologized about his affair but hadn't broken up with her. Said he wanted to reconcile. From all the books I read, including Michelle's DR, I told him what I expected. He was very reluctant not to have contact with OW. He didn't want to share with me where he was going, didn't want me to see his cell phone. How was I supposed to trust him again ????

His complaints about me were: my temper, arguing and bringing up old hurts. I realize I shouldn't do this anymore. I have been working on these negative aspects.

During the summer when he said he wanted to come back to me but take it slow, I felt like a car being taken for a test drive. “ Let’s take it slow so I can see how it goes.”

He never made plans with me but was making plans with his friends. Meanwhile he told me that he doesn’t make plans, he lives day to day.

I will admit, H has many good qualities. He is an excellent father and always helped me with raising our sons, helped with chores around the house. He was helpful to neighbors, family, friends and strangers. We always shared the same values on different issues. We were never jealous of one another. We each had our time with going out with friends, called each other when we were going to be late.
When he traveled for business esp. out of the country, he called me every morning and every night. This dramatically changed since June 2009. He complained about having to call me, email me yet he was the one to set this precedent over the years. Now it was a problem. I didn’t change, he did and now it is my fault.

I guess neither one of us accepted each other for our negatives. We did love conditionally. I found a great article about that.

http://www.enotalone.com/article/6426.html

I always complimented him on so many things but all I ever heard was how pretty I was.

Over time I realized it just wasn’t his character to be the kind of guy who was going to dance with me, throw me a surprise party, plan a vacation or make a date. I did all that.

Yes, I do love my husband enough to let him go. He has been gone since March 20th. BUT that was because of this drinking and my car insurance company said if I wanted my own policy, someone had to move out. I never told them about his drinking.

I suggest you read all my threads. I feel like I keep repeating myself about reading up on MLC, detachment, etc.

How long am I willing to wait? Good question. This has been going on before he moved out. There are days when I have said I would wait, but then again, there are days when I say I won’t. At this moment, I am taking one day at a time. Patience was not in my vocabulary but now it is.

What do you think he is telling YOU with these statements? Can you see how your insistence on getting what YOU want when YOU want it may have pushed him away?
YES, I do and I have been trying to work on that. But when is he going to work on himself ?

Can you live with being just his friend for a period of time? And I mean Friend…not your H acting as a friend. I mean friend.
Good question, I thought I could but it is difficult. How do you go from being lovers for 34 years, being married for 30 and then just be friend with no commitments? You tell me.

We both wanted to grow old together. Not all our dreams were the same but we got along or so I thought. He never communicated.

Right now, I just want someone to be honest and loyal and make me feel like I am number one, a priority. I realize that many of my female friends, their husbands don’t make them feel that they are number 1. Isn’t that the complaint from most women?
I guess if I saw that he was loyal & honest with me and just wanted to be with me after having his single life, I could forgo being a priority. I just didn’t see any real effort on his part and neither did the life coach and our sons, family and friends ( male and female).

When he was with the OW, I asked him a few times, who had more priority, me or her? He never could answer. OUCH!!!

I will admit, my emotions are all over the place. I am trying to figure it all out.
My H was not into commitments from the beginning. He asked me to marry him in August of ’90 and by November we were married. I was afraid he would change his mind.

I love him but I know what I want out of a marriage. He said he can’t give me that.

I tried to take into account my husbands history, his childhood and the dynamics of his family so I could better understand him.

He was sick once back in May. He was with the OW but he lived by me. He only had a stomach bug. I had just read somewhere that I should be the best person I could be to show my H that I was a good person thus I took care of him.

June came and he shared with me that he wanted to come back but I would have to wait for him because he had to take the OW for a medical procedure. WOW!!! That hurt. Yes, it was nice he wanted to do that for her BUT do you know how my surgeries / medical procedures I had where he didn’t take me because he wasn’t speaking to me. Or He took me but never spoke to me since he was angry at me.

One time he didn’t speak to me for a month because I allowed my sons to get 2 kittens. He said, “ you didn’t ask my permission.” I didn’t know he was my superior. I tried to treat him as my equal.

Chip on my shoulder??? I never thought so but if you think I do, maybe you can understand why. Doesn’t everyone who’s spouse cheated on them ?

My life coach, therapist and psych MD said, “ no one put a gun to his head to cheat on you.” This is the man who preached his whole life how he hated anyone who cheated on their spouse. “ If you are that unhappy, tell your spouse but never cheat.”
In his mind, he thinks he told me he was unhappy. He would say, “ I can’t take it anymore; all the negatives.” Then he would storm out of the house.

Of course I would want him to come back because he wants to be with me thru good times and bad.

I wanted both of us to go to counseling. He quit after the life coach told him he would eventually start having to move back home. H only went twice and by himself. We never got a chance to go together. He was lying, making up stories to the life coach. We saw right thru him.

I am very torn. I will admit. I love him but am I ready to give up and say “uncle” when he hasn’t done anything to prove to me that he wants me back and work on us.

We both brought this marriage to its current state of ugliness and sadness. The two of us should be working on it, not just me.

I have spent thousands of dollars on books, life coach, therapist, psych MD, meds, and private investigator. Most of my savings is depleted.

So if I seem to still have some resentment, yeah, I will admit it.
We have an empty nest. The mortgage will be paid off in less than 3 years. Combined we make a good salary and I was hoping to travel especially since our oldest son lives in England. My lifestyle has changed dramatically, no less the hurt he has caused. I lost 17 lbs., I am on meds because I was headed for a nervous breakdown. He had a girlfriend for a long time and lied about it. He claimed over the years he lost his sex drive. HA!!
He wasn’t smart, he had sex without protection.

I am trying to be strong and be happy and positive. My friends and family have seen the change. Heck, even H said he saw the change, up to a point. I am still entitled to my meltdowns according to all books about infidelity. This will be a long recovery for me.
It doesn’t help that he ran out on me again when back on July 1, 2010 he said, “ I will never leave, I am here for you.” “ Even if the road gets tough ?” “ Yes, even if the road gets tough.” That didn’t last long.

He keeps saying to me, “ I wish you would date so you could see I am not that bad.”
I will admit, I had a date. I am not ready for dating. I had to laugh, this guy was acting all romantic. This what I wanted but this guy seemed so fake plus he came on too strong.
H knows that whole story. I have told my H about everything in my life. I had no secrets.

So in conclusion, needy, a chip on my shoulder, feeling insecure. Aren’t we all like that after what has happened to us?

My friends who have been down this road said it takes a year before I will start to get better and not feel this way anymore. Too bad H doesn’t understand that. I am supposed to understand him but not the other way around.
I thought marriage is about compromise.

OOPS!!! We were married in '80 not '90.

Cat45?

Do your fingers hurt?

You are certainly posting tot he right guy with that one.

I am just kidding with you...

We joke around alot. Well Cadet NEVER jokes

But the rest of us.

All good stuff. Get it out there.

I didn't read the whole thing but I dog eared the page where I stopped.

HUH???? LOL!!! NOPE they don't hurt. Hey, Eric wanted to hear it all, he got it.

D-E-T-A-C-H-M-E-N-T

F-O-R-G-I-V-E-N-E-S-S

You do these things for YOU, not for him.

You forgive him, and you forgive yourself.

You detach from his pendelum swinging, and detach from your over-analyzing him and his reasonings.

I honestly believe that if you can succeed better at these two things, it will matter less what he is saying and doing that chips away at your self-confidence and happiness...and you will find that you feel less like relying on him and whatever he might be saying/doing. This is a very long, long process. You will drive yourself nuts trying to dissect it all.

The one question you could ask yourself is if this is the type of person he has always been, can you or would you want to stand and wait to see if there will be a change? From what you've said of your positive past together, he sounds like he was once quite a great partner...if not perfect (none of them are, and neither are we) Do you love him unconditionally enough to wait and see if he ends up being a more the type of person you'd want to share your life with in the future...not now, but in the future? Also...can you live your life without incessantly bringing up the past, no matter how much you were hurt (he already knows he hurt you) He might not express himself well, but he's dealing with the guilt and shame..whether it seems like it or not.

My xh , in hindsight, was more than I could have asked for in so many way, but was never what I thought he was in other ways. Hurts through the years...you bet. And once you truly forgive them, and they repeat the bad behavior, it seems like you'll never be able to trust them again...and would you be willing to try? I took alot for granted over the years, but I was also wearing rose-colored glasses in other areas of the relationship.

A crisis truly opens your eyes about the marriage...and even more, about yourself. You need to start there. And perhaps a good start would be to quit getting so many opinions from friends, family, co-workers, coaches, etc. At some point, it's all going to come down to YOU..not them. They can't help you make the decision, and you are the only one that will have to live with whatever decision you make. Only you...not them. Remember that. Sometimes the best way, is the silent way. You know what I mean?

My H was the same way...was ok at first listening to my hurts, etc...but after awhile he warned me it was wearing on him (which pissed me off even more). I wish I would have listened to him. He did not deserve the ear chewing he received, and did damage a fragile relationship at the time even more. Please don't keep bringing up the negatives...for your sake and his. They will keep him away, and they will make you bitter, and eat you from the inside out.

Our divorce happened at the 'empty nest' stage too. It's been horrible dealing with alot of different changes in my life. It's not the life I envisioned at all. I've lost alot. An intact family, a home, a partner to share these years with. But I've learned alot about myself, I've survived many years now on my own, and I've learned I still don't hate him, and really, now, feel very little anger towards him. It was 4 years ago, last month, since the divorce. No contact, but he has gotten better with our adult sons and his relationship with them, which is a positive. He doesn't get very involved with them, but I guess it's a start.

I guess what I'm saying is there is much to be learned, and alot to work on. It doesn't matter if you have the 'right' to be angry and have a chip on your shoulder. He!! we all feel that way at some point. It's all about getting past that point, to see where we are, and where we want to be. Whether the spouse ever wants to be part of that, to any degree, will be up to them, not to us. We'll have to make the same decision about them, and they'll have to deal with that too in time if they want to reconcile.

Learning to be 'friends' with him again is not a bad start. And you can still do that while being detached. No expectations, no comparing, no bringing up history, just light good natured fun in safe settings to start. Can you do this? Is he the type of person you'd want as a friend right now. And if you're not sure, then that tells you not to push him about being a 'partner' again.

Sorry I got so long-winded. I just wish I could stress to you to let go. I feel so much pain in your post.. The sooner you can let go of what you're feeling, and expecting things from him that he's not able to provide right now ( or maybe never) the sooner you'll find yourself again. You'll be happier, and it will bug the he!! out of him wondering how you're doing so well on your own. Don't date others to try to ease the hurt, or to 'show him'. If he still owns an important part of your heart, don't try to give it to anyone else. That's not fair to anyone.

I'm off my soapbox now. Again, my apology for my fingers diarrhea.

OMG Creed, your words spoke to me ....finally, someone understood.
I sure hope you get to answer this. I do like him as a friend.

He was supposed to go with me as a friend to a concert this coming Saturday with other friends of ours. After a meltdown I had this weekend, I told him maybe it was best he didn't come. I wasn't sure I could be his friend. I am still not so sure. I do miss him and it saddens me when I think that is all we will ever be. Then again, I think at times, this is the best it will ever be. whatever.

Anyway, should I call him and ask if he still wants to go ?
He might have other plans by now for it is Oct. 30th I am talking about.

All my friends say, " Stay away from him. Let him come to you. Play hard to get since you never did that for very long."

What do you think ?