Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Don't know what to do anymore. Please advise!

Thanks guys. What u say is so true. I think he thinks I am just bluffing and wont do anything about it. He is actually planning a trip for the two of us next month to our home country. Obviously we wil b presenting the sham of a happy family to our folks which we are not.
As it is, I have already found a place that I can move in to end of month. I just have to pay the rentals and move in. Many pple are advising me against moving out. But I feel it is the right thing to do as I want to give H a wake up call and make him realise that I will not always be around whilst he is being emotionally abusive.
But then I have my own fears...what if the seperation don't produce the right results like H doesn't do a thing abt reviving this marriage.
I was thinking if I do not move out I could follow the resources on this forum eg 180 etc. We seem to be stuck in a circle of doing 'things' at each other...though of late it has been mainly him. I am trying to change. As well as concetrate on myself. I am also tring to listen to what he says through his outbursts and anger, eg,
1. I am disrespectful (though he is disrespectful of me too)But I am trying to break the circle.
2. I am manipulative (maybe a little as sometimes I twist situatons to get my way) Not so wise.
3. My anger - when I am angry I am really angry and we end up shouting at each other. A lot of anger and hurtful things has happened this past few weeks esp in regards to the A.

All this time I was concetrating on trying to change him and trying to make him see the error of his ways. As well as what he said and did (It really did affect me still does but working on it). Now I am trying to follow the theme Dont believe to 100% of what they say. And believe 50% of the actions. Though I was working on myself of course but maybe not as much as I should.

First of all, stop asking H about OW! Don't mention her at all. Don't quiz him about his whereabouts or what he's been doing. God, that gives W's a bad name!

You must show self repect and dignity. As long as you try to interrogate him and cause him to think he has to answer to you, then he is certainly not going to be attracted to that!

Stop acting like a clingy, needy wife and become more attractive in personality, looks, behavior, etc. Get a do-over and go out and GAL. Leave him alone. Drop that rope you have around him. He doesn't want what you have become.

Oh, and don't threaten to leave him. He doesn't buy it, anyway. And why on earth would you leave for only one month and then go back? Nothing about that makes any sense. He wouldn't miss you in that short period of time, and he sure isn't going to make any promises about changing. You would be the one in misery, not him.

He's the one unhappy in the M. He's the one having an A. Tell him you don't want a man like him and he's free to leave. You'll even help him pack. Got the guts for it?

I have told him as much and he has said 'I am here aint I', but what I am missing is the commitment and remorse for his actions. That is what is missing. And we certainly throw the D word at each other but don't follow it up. This morning we did (happens almost every time we argue).

Anyway he says he is not happy and not in love with me anymore and that he has been miserable for the most part of our marriage (obviosly not true). He says he is emotionally disconnected from me (what can u expect with the EA going on - if it's still going on)
After reading a lot of what is here I think H is suffering from MLC.
I could leave him and give him a wake up call...but the other coin is he could choose to leave me, that would give him immense control. Earlier in our marriage we seperated for 2 months, he moved out but he was the one who pursued me. I never sought him during those 2 months until he decided he wanted to work on our marriage. Guess we never gave it our all and didn't deal with all our problems.
With all this said the question remains if I should leave him or should try to DB and be a better person. As someone said one person can change a marriage (though not easy as I truly sometimes feel like giving up and that I do not have the strength). So that's my dilemna

And it will stay missing, maybe forever. While he is still emotionally attached to someone else, he is incapable of feeling any remorse. I told my W much the same thing and her answer was, "I can't be sorry for something I haven't done." Yeah, well, BS. But it's true, in their minds, they have convinced themselves they have done nothing wrong.

Don't let not hearing 'I'm sorry' stop you from letting him go and becoming a better person. Do it for yourself and not for him. One person can change a M, but you do that by changing yourself for you and not for him. If he is strong enough to realize what he's doing is wrong and he notices you not putting up with his chit anymore, how happy you are and how great you look, he will have the chance to win YOU back, not the other way around.

Good luck!

IDU

Sandi - I am working towards that now. Yes I think I am appearing needy and interrogative. Can't help it. But honestly how do I react when someone is busy every time they are around u smsing on the phone. They get ballistic when u sit next to them. (Something that never happened b4) next thing they tell u 'u r making me feel like I am in a prison'. Whatever happened to transparency and honesty.
About leaving ...I have asked him countless times to do so, he doesn't want. I think he thinks it a number of times but he still wants to be 'married'. Maybe he is doing it for our son or scared of starting his own life by himself, since the OW is in a foreign Ctry and highly unlikely to come here. Or maybe he is looking 4 another woman who is more local. Don't know maybe it is my imagination doing overdrive.
This sucks! But I am working on it. Now when an argument starts before it ensues into something bigger, I walk away or keep quite. Far better than before. The next step will be to identify those items that cause conflict and work on avoiding them.
But I need to know if for real this affair is ongoing. At the moment I do not know how I can do that.
IDNU - thanks I am working towards letting him go, slowly but surely. It's not easy but with the resources I am getting here it gets easier. So what happened with ur wife?

You are right, it's not easy. You are still pretty early in the whole scheme of things. I remember not wanting to get out of bed, when I was on my way home from work getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach and not wanting to face her when I got home, all that crap. I was worried about how she felt toward me. I didn't think I would ever get over what was happening.

With the help of people here, you will get over it. You really have to listen and do some uncomfortable things. You realize it's not all your fault and that you are worth more than the way you are being treated. You will get there.

As far as what is happening with my W, it isn't going as well as I had hoped. She is still involved in an EA and will not stop contacting the OM. It slowed down for a while but it just went underground I now believe. I still have some of those hard decisions to make and I'm not quite where I need to be in the detachment department.

Anyway, try to learn from my mistakes and from others who try to change to win their S back. It won't work. Tough love, as they say, is your best chance to save the M. More importantly, to save yourself.

P.S. Listen to Sandi. She tells it like it is and is a courageous lady herself. I wasn't ready to hear some of the things she had to say early on but I can say she was and is 100% right with her suggestions and information.

Read and learn and never be afraid to ask questions no matter how silly they may seem.

IDU

Thanks again IDU.
Tough love whilst under the same roof is a little difficult at times. What can one really do to instill tough love without seeming mean and causing more strife in the home.

Sandi if I were to move out I was prepared to do so for as long as it would take. I know my H, I don't think he will want to have us apart. He is one of those pple who is always worried abt what pple think. Esp since we r planning to go to our home country in a month or so. It would be really awkward esp for him to have to expalain that W moved out. Obviously pple would want to know why and I do not think he would wanna explain all that. But obviously he could explain it away and tell them his side of the story, skipping all the gory details about him. Most of our folks have not seen our son and imagine how awkward it would be for him to go there alone without his son. Coz I do not intend to let him go with him alone.
Just my thoughts.
Right now I think in his mind he thinks W is there anywere, whats the hurry and why bother. And he is loving being pursued (though obviously he pushes me away anyway (esp by his words.

Reminds me of the old married couple in counseling - the wife's complaint was that in 50 years of marriage, her H never told her he loved her. His response: "On our wedding day I told you I loved you; if anything changes, I'll let you know."

Perhaps you have an idea about what he could say and do that would demonstrate commitment and remorse.

It's understandable to say things during an argument that are really not meant; maybe you would be willing to express why you use the D word at those times.

And how do you respond when that is said?

Perhaps that gives you some thoughts about what might happen now.

You wouldn't be the first - perhaps you are feeling at this point that would happen again if the emotional intimacy were re-established.

Perhaps you're not even sure that you even want to work on the marriage, since the problems seem too large and difficult to cope with.

I understand that it is very difficult, but if you know the outcome will be terrible......would that not give you some restraint?



You make it your business to have too much to do to notice. If it were me, I would be dressed with my hair & face fixed so I could leave the house at a moments notice. Leave him there to sm all he wants but you don't sit next to him all snuggled up while he disrespects you like that. (Oh, and you don't tell him where you are going or when you'll be back. Every time he starts that cr@p, you walk out.)



It's all signs that he is still in an A. He feels smothered and pressured by you. The only way he will want to be with you is if he misses you. How can he experience the loss of you if you never leaver his side?



B/c of the finances.
Why do you think he wants to stay there? Seriously. You say you think he wants to be M. No he doesn't. He wants the benefits of having a cook, bottle washer, housekeeper, laundry mat, and live in baby sitter. He doesn't want you for a lover/wife. Which brings me to a delicate subject of sex. Who is he thinking about while ML?



You know what? Even if he wasn't, you would apply the same principles/techniques. So, don't hold back b/c you don't know for sure.