but what I see in my wife now is guilt about hurting me, hurting my daughters, fear of being on her own, financial fears, fear of loneliness.
Just like me, she has scrambled from solution to solution, trying to avoid the reality that she's no longer in love with me
So...keep on DBing...lots of similarities with my sitch...this can change over time
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Another bit of advice I dismissed: the power of tagging.
I always laughed at the idea, but once she tagged me, I lost my focus, which is the whole purpose of tagging. It doesn't mean your WAS does it in a conniving fashion, it's really just human nature. BUT it sure as hell takes you off your game.
Another bit of advice I dismissed: the power of tagging.
I always laughed at the idea, but once she tagged me, I lost my focus, which is the whole purpose of tagging. It doesn't mean your WAS does it in a conniving fashion, it's really just human nature. BUT it sure as hell takes you off your game.
Changing to get a spouse back doesn't work. It's transparent. Why are you changing now? Is it really to improve yourself or is it to possibly get your spouse back?
It doesn't work.
Read every thread on this forum, how many spouses: men or women, have tried to change everything they could and met up with similar results, the WAS's don't respond to change by a LBS when the WAS has decided they want out of the relationship.
Why should they respond to change now?
It's too late.
It's insulting to the WAS.
If a LBS can change, why didn't they change when they had the chance, when the relationship was still intact?
In fact, if anything, changing in hopes of getting your spouse to come back again insults the WAS, it makes them angrier, resulting in a stronger attitude to move on further away.
This is EXACTLY correct and EXACTLY what happened in my situation. I'm still not sure that I understand why this is though. We are making the changes that they asked us to make because we love them and want them to be happy. Why is that a bad thing?
because it is not perceived as sincere or genuine. it's also something that can lead to resentment. one day you'll say "i did this for you and what have you done for me?" tit for tat .. scorekeeping .. resentment.
if you do it for any other reason (other than doing it because YOU want to), it will lead to resentment down the road.
If you are working on changing, and are in no way informing your WAS about the changes and no way explicitly showing your W the changes, then the changes are for you.
At first I was "showing off" my changes, and my W saw it as insulting. I eventually gave up, and kept working on myself, keeping my W totally out of it. She got curious, and had to pursue me, and ask me questions before I'd own up to anything new in me or my life. THAT's when it started getting her attention, and she wasn't insulted or angry about it at all. She was intrigued. It has to be sincere though. They can tell when the changes are for YOU, and are making you a more interesting person.
This is EXACTLY correct and EXACTLY what happened in my situation. I'm still not sure that I understand why this is though. We are making the changes that they asked us to make because we love them and want them to be happy. Why is that a bad thing?
Because you are making the changes for YOU not for them.
You are on two separate journies. She is on one and you are on your own.
When you get down the road you can maybe connect again and build a new marriage.
because it is not perceived as sincere or genuine. it's also something that can lead to resentment. one day you'll say "i did this for you and what have you done for me?" tit for tat .. scorekeeping .. resentment.
if you do it for any other reason (other than doing it because YOU want to), it will lead to resentment down the road.
What if I WANT to do it because I value our marriage and I WANT her to be happy, which also meakes me happy.
At this point, I am ready to give up on it completely. I'm just going to do what is right for me and for my kids.
"Time to change has come and gone. It's your decision."
...I'm still not sure that I understand why this is though. We are making the changes that they asked us to make because we love them and want them to be happy. Why is that a bad thing?
It is a bad thing because you are changing for someone else and not for you.
It is a bad thing because happiness comes from inside not outside. The only person you can make happy is yourself.
It is a bad thing because you are attempting to manipulate someone else.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
