my anger and resentment is still showing in my interactions with H. It was gone for a while and now that things are coming to head it's back.
1 – YOU have every right to be angry. 2 – How YOU deal with the anger will show H AND YOURSELF just how far YOU have come 3 – Do not internalize the Anger. Find something to let it out.
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It’s been a year since the bomb and in that year I’ve seen my life come apart.
Sometime in order for things to get fixed, to be the way they were meant to be….they must come apart.
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Everything that I ever believed in is no more.
Yeah….right NOW it is no more. Tomorrow, next week, next year, 5 years…..what you believe in and want JUST may come true.
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....the impact it’s having on my life.
Yes it is having an impact. So what will you do with this impact? Also, stop focusing on the negatives…stop for a second..
Okay let me remind you or better yet tell YOU what I see is the “impact on YOUR life”
Mila was weak at one point….NOW she is STRONG
Mila was codependent at one point…NOW she can STAND…not JUST for her M BUT for HERSELF
Mila was scared – now she faces HER fears
Mila was so against change…now she is moving forward with CHANGE….Even if it hurts
Mila would sit back and “respond” NOW SHE LEADS!
So yeah…I can see the impact this has on YOUR life.
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I got my heart shattered,
All things must DIE if they are to be REBORN!
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I’ve lost my love,
Have YOU? I would also say YOU found YOUR Love – YOU.
As for YOUR H….do you know what tomorrow’s lotto numbers are?
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my best friend
My best friend actually jump off the roof and killed himself. It hurt..and then a funny thing happened..years later…I found a new best friend.
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our family, all that we have build together,
Your D will always be in YOUR life. The memories that you have of the good times in YOUR M can never be taken away from YOU.
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After running a successful business for 20 years I have to now find a job, because there is no income...
Why not start YOUR own business? Something that YOU want to do. Do not be afraid to succeed Mila. Do not be afraid – YOU started a business 20 years ago. What do you think you are LESS business savvy NOW than 20 years ago? No YOUR wiser!
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So for me this has been a year of incredible losses and I do blame him for it....
DB 101 – change how you look at things…..Incredible loss OR incredible opportunity to do the things YOU always wanted to do.
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I struggle with existential issues that were forced upon me by H's actions and that’s fueling my anger and stirring up all kinds of negative emotions towards him. Right now
These feeling are normal – feel them…then please let them go.
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I don’t know how to just put on a fake smile and pretend that everything is OK and treat him the same way as I did in the past, with love and compassion.
1 – YOU DO NOT have to put on a fake smile. 2 – Sometime compassion cannot make it’s way out cause it is blocked by ANGER. Release the anger and the compassion starts to flow.
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OK he is in MLC, but it that an excuse to tolerate bad behavior?
There is NO excuse for BAD behavior. There is also NO excuse for R’s with no or limited boundaries.
Mila – I am not trying to be insensitive. I am sorry for the pain you feel. Take this pain and use it! Take this pain and learn from it.. Take this pain and release it. It does YOU no good. Everything you feel is okay…it is normal…
Let go Mila
Let go of everything….
Then rebuild….
Rebuild YOU the Way YOU want to be…
I am sorry Mila that you are going through this…DO NOT question if there is gold at the end of the rainbow – there is…
If you look inside you
You will find it…
That Gold
Is the new Mila!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I know that once I cut the cord...financially and otherwise and get on with my life, get past all of this stress, I will find balance and peace...and hopefully compassion and forgiveness for H. I'm not an angry, hateful person...the opposite I'm compassionate, calm, happy, easy going with an attitude of "live and let live". I want to be that person again...and I will.
Mila, I like your new thread title.....says alot.
Right now you are forced to interact with your H and his non-sense. Once this becomes optional you WILL find that you can actually interact with him easier.....if you choose to interact with him at all.
I am going to take a stab in the dark here....
Once all the dust settles from all this, and you have stripped away all the responsibilities, all the stress, everything.....
You may just find a new Mila as Eric said. While this process is painful it may very well be the best thing that ever happened "FOR" you. (notice I did not use "to" you).
It is not until we get to the other side of this journey and look back and see the true benefit of taking the journey.
Happy Little Friday!!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I like your new thread title too! I agree with MHL in that once you get through all the business/financial stuff and settle...you will find YOU! The stress from all of that has to be taking it's toll on you!
It is the ol' "when one door closes...another door opens" thing! I have faith in you!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
It is not until we get to the other side of this journey and look back and see the true benefit of taking the journey
isn't that the truth...thanks for reminding me
CW - thank you, I can't wait to have this messy part behind me and be able to concentrate on my new life.
Eric - thank you so much for your very insightful post. I agree with you on all points. I realize that I still have lots of work to do on myself...it will come, I know it will. I guess I was having a little self pity slash anger party in my last post. But I must tell you that I'm feeling more and more peaceful now....less angry....I have more less accepted my situation and what I need to do to move forward. Talking to the lawyer really helped me to clarify my way and I now see how I can pave my way out of this mess. And I think that is helping a lot.
Had a second meeting with my lawyer, worked out some more details as to what should be included in the SA. We also decided that I will discuss with him what I'm working on and see what is his reaction. No point preparing the agreement and spending so much money on it if he will not sign.
So that's what I did. You would be proud of me, I was calm, pleasant but business like. Told him that I've contacted a lawyer to help us untangle our finances and help us with division of assets, parenting issues and business issues. Told him everything that the lawyer and I are talking about and he was actually very nice and receptive...didn't argue any points. Told him that it will take about a week, that I wanted it done faster because I wanted to transfer the house to me before I list it for sale but my lawyer is backed-up. He said don't worry, list it now, I'll sign it when it's ready. But I'll wait...as per my lawyer's advice.
Well as I was calmly talking about breaking up our life together, item by item....from life insurance to daughter's University expenses....he got emotional quite a few times and there were tears in his eyes. So let's wait and see if he signs the SA when it's ready.
Yesterday I posted this on my Facebook wall
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
Couldn't believe it when my H commented and "liked it"....seriously...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Mila, I have checked in and out of your sitch all summer and just hoping things would turn out for you. It looks like they have; you are now on a different journey. You will find strength you never thought you had and your true friends will show their true colors (both good and bad). Stay strong, walk through the fire, and know there is light on the other side. I can attest to it!
Your old husband is gone and you must now keep moving forward. Go ahead and sell the house, it's just full of broken promises and dreams anyway. Find yourself a new home that your can truly make yours.
Most of all, protect yourself financially!!! He's already done enough damage, don't let him do anymore.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I've been following along but didn't have a chance to post until now. You sound incredibly centered in your last post. I am SO glad for you! It sounds as though seeing a path forward has given you peace.
Jody always told me to "drop the rope" when I was in the place where you are now. It sounds as though you led with grace in your exchange with H. H must have been looking at you and thinking to himself "How can Mila be so gracious after what has happened?" This will only serve to sharpen the contrast between you and OW......and OW can't help but sense this attitude change in your H (OK, bring out the 2 x 4's, I'm mind-reading here, but this is essentially what happened in my situation). The meetings I had with H/XH splitting up our assets with a kind, generous spirit were some of the most difficult moments since the bomb for me. These meetings will set the tone for your future R and are the way that you will be able to show H the "new Mila". Jody always told me that if I graciously talked with H about the D negotiations it would "supercharge" my 180s.
It is possible that throughout this process, the significance of what H is doing will dawn on him, but please remember "No expectations". There were so many points in my D that I thought "this might jolt H into realizing what he is doing", but I never saw any evidence of that. My XH's movement forward has been slow as molasses. MLC is a mental health issue and the MLCer doesn't process events and information the way that others do.............and then once in awhile something registers in their brain
Originally Posted By: Mila
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Couldn't believe it when my H commented and "liked it"....seriously...
Thank you CW, Eric, Golfgirl & GAG, thank you for your encouragement and nice words.
Yesterday we had my FIL's wedding anniversary celebration. It was at a restaurant with all H's family members attending. H emailed me if we can go in one car....I said OK, that I'll pick him up.
It was funny, we picked him up and he wanted to sit in the front where D was and she told him no, that’s my place now. So he had to sit in the back. It was her way to show him that he lost his "status"...maybe a little bit of punishment I guess...lol. He did protest, but did not insist.
The anniversary dinner was OK, little awkward as D pointed out after...but courteous and civilized between H and I. He was all smiles at me, like we were still a couple....some of the people at the dinner don’t even know that we are separated and he played along...even called me sweetie...it was weird....I mainly ignored him...On the way back he sat in the back again and was very quiet while D & I were chatting away....well mainly D.
This morning I received the following email: BTW it is Thanksgiving up here this weekend so don't get confused....
"Mila, we didn’t talk last night very much, but it was nice to see you; you looked great. It is a very difficult time for you, for us... Please accept my wish to you of Happy Thanksgiving... I don’t know how to write this... It sounds cold and impersonal... it’s not intended to be... With love... H."
I replied
"Thank you for the nice email, Happy Thanksgiving to you too"
I wonder if he is feeling lonely...we are having a big family/friends dinner tonight....and he is all alone in his apartment.....well I guess he can Skype with OW
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, I like your new thread title...it says a lot about you and your situation. Bravo! You handled the party quite well and your daughter was great...she didn't cave in to where she was sitting in the car. He actually had a window into what life has become for you and your daughter...he sat there and listened and watched the interaction between the two of you. Yes, he does know he screwed up and yes, he does miss home. It's going to take him a while to figure this out on his own and who knows, he just might admit it to you at some point.
I do hope that you and your family had a nice Thanksgiving. He's got a lot to think about.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
