Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives XH is marrying OW after only 5 months of D!!

Thanks you are both so right - I do give them far too much of my brain power.
I think if I thought she was a decent person I might feel slightly differently. But to date, she has showed nothing but selfishness and disrespect. She has never (IMHO) tried to make things easier for my sons - I am sure she will disagree though.

She used to send me really mean texts, so I had to get my L to write to her and tell her to stop - this was before the D finalised. She has called my sons names and also wont allow them to have the same routine in her house. She shouts at XH in front of them and talks trash about me in front of them as well. She has attended my son's football matches, spent his birthday with him (I wasnt allowed to), attend open evening at my son's school and has apparently got some input into my S10 secondary school. I honestly feel like she is trying to replace me.

I think in a pervserse way she does care about my kids - but my suspicions are that she cant have kids so uses mine as her kid fix! We had an incident where the police had to be called as she was verbally abusing me in front of my house - in front of my kids and XH. (No he didnt have my back!!)

I dont hate her - I just want nothing to do with her. I know that I am expecting too much and will need to get over it.

My XH keeps screaming co-parenting however never includes me in a decision about my sons and keeps just telling me what is going to happen, even when he left he stills feels he has the right to.

You are right - my kids need both parents. But one of their parents is in the honeymoon phase right now and everything is very rosy coloured.

I guess this all may change when I finally have a someone special of my own who will share a life with my sons.

(((back at you))))

I have been giving some thought to the 'insecurity' aspect. As yeah you are both right, I am sure that I am experiencing insecurities at the moment - who wouldnt after being with someone for 21 years and then being cheated on and dumped.

However, I like the person that I am now. I will never go back to the person I was within the last few years of my marriage. Also, I would never take XH back. I could never be with someone who lies so much, not just to me but to his children.

All I want is to have a co-parenting relationship with the father of my children. At this stage I cant include her - I am not ready to do that yet. Maybe in time, - however my time for a change,not theirs. To date I have done everything according to his timeframe and wants. I even let him divorce me on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. (My church doesnt allow D unless on grounds of adultery and he swore blind she was just a friend and I niavely believed him. I also didnt want my sons to feel I had given up on my family by D their dad).

I dont think I am being unreasonable, however given the situation I do think my expectations are way too high.

Moving forward the only way I think I can preserve my sanity and actually help me focus on my sons and not given them anymore energy than they deserve, is to just ignore them. I seem to co-parent better with XH via email and not be involved with each other. We dont co-parent but rather parent seperatly. It is not ideal but for now it works.

I've gotten hammered for doing this -- but it's what works for me right now. I've told STBXW not to call me unless it is something that has to be handled that day. I did separate teacher conferences. I turned down her request for a once a week phone call to discuss the girls. I see them 12 days out of 14 thanks to my work schedule. I know what's going on in their lives. I don't need a weekly phone call. It all can be handled by email.

Someday that may change. But I feel much better and move forward much better when I don't see STBXW or talk to her.

Do what's best for you. It will work itself out in time.

Thanks for that. It is good to know I am not alone. I havent spoken to my XH in months. Everything is done via email or texts. I did try a phone call the other day as I thought is was ridiculous that two people who had spend almost every day of 21 years together couldnt talk - however it just didnt work. He started accusing me of lying, (as usual) I got defensive and we ended up putting the phone down on each other.

I did ask him to go with me to the teacher conference and he declined and decided to go with OW instead.

He sees my sons 96 hours a month, so I really dont have anything to tell him and he calls our sons every nite so knows what is going on.

I make most of the decisions regarding our sons, e.g school activities, homework, etc. I have also made the decision re my son's secondary school. He really cant give any input anyway. There are only 2 choices and as he lives 40miles away doesnt help with school runs etc, so I have to do what I can manage - logistically that is.

Like I said it isnt ideal and not how I would like it - but for now it works.

You said you been hammered for doing this - who has hammered you?

Ok - quick question. I have noticed recently that XH seems to forget that we have agreed something via email and then sends me another email.

This is really not like him. He is very good with details and I know he keeps a calendar of all his visits etc. However twice in the last week, he has either emailed to discuss a detail that we have previously agreed or just today he sent an email re the half term and the days he would like our sons. It is now one day less. I find this all odd!! Has he lost his mind or has the other emails not been from him but the OW???????

don't read into it
it is probably just him forgetting

or wanting to have a copy in writing
(which is why we do EVERYTHING via email)

I wouldn't think that it was girlfriend...

just him being brain dead

actually... it might be her... crazy stbxW of x's used to text me and I could tell it wasn't him, and sure enough I called her on it and she stopped texting me and I had to talk over the phone with him to avoid that mess

...if she is controlling then that's a way to have her say...if that happens again send a short email saying "call me" and see if indeed you get a call from him or silence...

Not sure if it was XH or OW, but have been made aware that he is in Swizerland again so I think he convieniantly forgot our previous arrangment so he could go again.

Great!! Just what my sons need to hear.

So the week has been a little crazy. Last Sunday I got a phone call that my grandmother in South Africa was not doing very well and we all thought she wasn’t going to make it. So my mum and I made a quick trip back to South Africa.
It was really crazy as I didn’t think I would be able to go but my mum offered to pay for my ticket and my younger stepped up and looked after my sons for the week. I was amazed and so grateful that they did and it proved to me that I can do this alone, and that I don’t need XH as I have a fantastic support system to rely on.
I had vowed to have a week of NC with XH, however I had to call him to tell him what was up. It was a very short conversation and I didn’t realise that I said this:
‘It doesn’t affect you at all. I have made all the arrangements. Just arrive on Friday to collect the boys as arranged.’
He had very little to say to that.