I would like to contribute some food for thought here.
It sounds to me like your husband has some very mixed feelings right now and that, however cautiously and indirectly, he is sharing some of them with you. I believe nothing works more in your favor - given these circumstances - then him having to continue working through these mixed feelings without push or pull from any outside source.
From your standpoint, this means that a neutral and non-committal posture is your best friend. It allows you to observe which direction his shaky compass begins to point when left on his own. I believe if you start becoming too directive right now or pursue - even a little - you risk him turning back.
For this reason, do not under any circumstances bring up "talking" about things with him unless he initiates it. Then, yes, focus on listening and really letting him feel heard. Do not feel obliged, though, to comment in any way on where you see things going - for now.
By extension, this means the same thing about meeting with your therapist. With all due to respect to your therapist - don't do this unless your husband himself brings it up.
I also really like that you are trying some new things to be different. He probably will notice and be intrigued. Which is all the more reason not to mention them or make your efforts too obvious. Why not extend this out into your personal life a little bit, too, and do some cool things just for you?
I hope you find these thoughts helpful. Good luck to you!
Thank you so much for the advice! I ended up thinking a lot about your post last night and this morning. I also thought about what “worked” to make last Wednesday go so well. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks and his visit was kind of unexpected. I believe I will go this that again when he comes tomorrow and not ask him about talking at all. Here was my list from that day:
1. I worked hard to really listen as hard as I could. 2. I told myself that I am very strong. 3. I know I love him, and that I truly believe he still loves me. 4. I also told myself to remember to treat H with as much kindness and gentleness as I wish he would show to me. I know he is hurting just as bad as I am.
As far as asking him to see my therapist, I am going to wait and see how things go, but I think I will if the opportunity seems to come up. The script my therapist gave me is to tell H that “My therapist thinks it would help him (my therapist) to help me if you would come in for a one time session.”
My IC says this has been successful for many of his clients in the past. Sometimes it does no good, but he has never seen it hurt the situation. Just as some background, H has twice said he would do this for me, but has not made the appointment. I believe H sincerely intended to call, but with two jobs adding up to 70 hours a week and trying to spend time with our D, he never picked up the phone to call. I had planned to ask H if it is ok to give my C his cell number. Before, I was almost always the one who made appointments and scheduling happen. It just isn’t something my H does well. Recently he told me he nearly blew the engine on his car because he hadn’t taken it in for maintenance he knew needed done, and the car is even something he is good about keeping up with.
One other reason I still lean towards asking about him seeing my C, is my H seems to be a little desperate to do things for me. He has been fixing stuff around the house, wants to get me a new phone, doing whatever house projects are priority on my list (instead of his priorities as would be normal), and he is even taking off for my birthday to spend the evening with me and our daughter. I would also add that H has not taken off for my birthday in a few years.
As far as things I have done just for me, I am working on that too. One of the biggest has been keeping up with my facebook page (I have another post about my ulterior motives on that), going to church, spending time with my friends, playing on the floor with my D, and making my home an emotionally safe and comfortable place for my D and myself. My next item on the “me” agenda is to start painting again. I have not painted since my D was born and I miss it.
Ever see an alcoholic give up booze voluntarily? A gambling addict give up the slots?
I actually have... when they decided to do it, but it rarely happens (as in almost never) without other life-changing events taking place.
I've seen people change. Giving up booze for me was something I did cold turkey - and I had become a heavy drinker. Motivation is everything... length of time of use etc is a factor... but motivation is the biggest factor.
Funny... we try to box everything into one box and addictions are no different. Some folks can quit and go back to moderate, some even being near booze can toss them off the wagon... depends on their personalities, their issues and a lot of other stuff.
This is simply inaccurate. I, unfortunately, have quite a bit of experience with addictions, and they do NOT end of their own accord -- hence the word "addiction."
Now, DRINKING might be able to be stopped, or cut back, or even sometimes "DRINKING PROBLEM" -- but not if they're truly addicted. Once you have a full-blown drinking, drug, gambling, porn, or other addiction, they usually not only don't end of their own accord, they usually ESCALATE.
Affairs, from what I'm learning, are much the same way. Something about the brain chemicals.
I would like to contribute some food for thought here.
It sounds to me like your husband has some very mixed feelings right now and that, however cautiously and indirectly, he is sharing some of them with you. I believe nothing works more in your favor - given these circumstances - then him having to continue working through these mixed feelings without push or pull from any outside source.
But isn't the OW a "pull" from "an outside source" already???
It's not like he's thinking clearly, without outside influence. As long as this affair is going on, I'm afraid poor Zen isn't going to be able to make much headway with her wayward husband. My advice would be, if she doesn't want to do the whole tell-everyone-the-truth thing, to just give him a wide berth and do LRT.
I believe nothing works more in your favor - given these circumstances - then him having to continue working through these mixed feelings without push or pull from any outside source.
When a ship is at sea and a storm hits, the objective is to secure everything above and below deck not to stand back and let it run roughshod over the boat and risk damaging the hull.
And I agree with Starsky here.. the OP is very much an outside source... If the LBS does nothing, and the OP pulls, spouse is gonna go that way not to you...
So here is a little more info on my H's behavior. A few weeks ago, when I had several indications that the possible EA had become a PA, my H's 2 most suspicious behaviors where a sort of cold or dead sound to his voice and on a night that he stayed in our house while D & I were on a camping trip he stayed in the much smaller and less comfortable guest bed. I later found out that possible OW lives with hep parent too, so the affair may have happened in my own home (Yuck!).
Since then, H became very irratic in his atitude towards me for about a week. One call he was friendly, the next one he was cranky and cold. Sometimes he wouldn't even say helo to me when I would call or he would call to tell our D goodnight. Then, suddenly, he started warming up, talking about his frustrations at work, communicating more about our D3.
Now H is comming around, taking the initiative to set 'family' times, asking to do things for me, asking to talk to me. Also, the cold tone is gone from his voice. He seems happy to see me, but starts to seem lost and sad after a while.
My 'gut instinct' tells me he wants to come home, but is overwhelmed by the mess he has made. While I am fairly certain the affair happened, I am not at all sure if is still going on, especially given his behavior the last few days.
I feel like if I confront him now I will lose all the progress we have made and push him back to the OW. On the other hand, if I have patience and wait, he may even be ready to start to work things out with me. Some times I think it is the most difficult when things start to get better. I want to rush forward, but I know I should keep holding back because it is working!
I would like to contribute some food for thought here.
It sounds to me like your husband has some very mixed feelings right now and that, however cautiously and indirectly, he is sharing some of them with you. I believe nothing works more in your favor - given these circumstances - then him having to continue working through these mixed feelings without push or pull from any outside source.
But isn't the OW a "pull" from "an outside source" already???
It's not like he's thinking clearly, without outside influence. As long as this affair is going on, I'm afraid poor Zen isn't going to be able to make much headway with her wayward husband. My advice would be, if she doesn't want to do the whole tell-everyone-the-truth thing, to just give him a wide berth and do LRT.
Starsky
And more to the point here.. If you have a wayward spouse, particularly with an addiction or obsession of some sort, their head is already in a destructive mode... The last thing they need is to be left to their own devices... They need strong positive influences...
If they pose a danger to you then you have to steer clear.. It's a tough call... work hard with them, or get out of the way...
One more note. I suspect that the OW is pushing, pulling, and pursuing. I have found the hard way just how well that works with my H. IT DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!
I think that if she is behaving the way I think she is, she is really just pushing my H to come back to me instead.
I know who this woman is, and she ain't got nothin' on me. : )
One more note. I suspect that the OW is pushing, pulling, and pursuing. I have found the hard way just how well that works with my H. IT DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!
I think that if she is behaving the way I think she is, she is really just pushing my H to come back to me instead.
I know who this woman is, and she ain't got nothin' on me. : )
HFZ,
I admire your chutzpah, but from what I've learned about infidelity in the past 90 days, I'd caution you. Lots of people report how their spouses "changed" during their affairs, and are suddenly attracted to new kinds of music, movies, TV shows, clothing, and NEW KINDS OF PEOPLE AND VALUES that they would have been TOTALLY opposed to before.
You have to consider your husband the way he's ACTING NOW, not the way he NORMALLY acts -- and deal with him accordingly.
Do you have any evidence that the OW's tactics are backfiring with your husband?
