This could get confusing as I am Cat as well...LOL
Listen, I see you asking questions, questions about how to act and how your H should be acting...
I see you very concerned with what others have told you and now you seem to be looking for someone else to tell you how to behave to get him back...
With MLC, which I believe you should read more about, Lance gave you links on your other thread (btw, staying with one thread, topic, and in one forum is what the others mean), only YOU can make the decision if YOU believe he is in MLC or not...
IF you do, then you need to prepare yourself for a long hard road, that may or may not reconcile your M...
As Jack said there are no quick fixes, no magic pills or any thing specific to make this work or not...
A 180, that is something you do for you...something your H complained about that maybe you don't like about yourself as well, that you change. And you change it for you, to make you happy, NOT to make your H decide that you are changing...
MLCer's can smell fake change from ten miles away. They KNOW when we are doing something for the M and when we are doing for ourselves, and if you are doing it just for the M, they will not take the bait...
Snodderly's advice about being kind and compassionate...
Is the best advice you are going to get...
However, that does not look the way you think it should look...
It does not mean going to the MLCer, trying to date the MLCer, inviting them over for coffee like you might with your neighbor down the road...
It means giving them their space to do what ever it is they need to do, and being an EAR IF they come to you to talk...
Listening with little or no input, not trying to fix, just simple understanding and validation...
Becoming the safe place for them to turn to...and often biting your tongue in the meantime...
My MLCer, wanted my opinion on the Christmas gifts he bought his GF last year...
They will do and say crazy stuff and contradict themselves many times over...
They will get angry over nothing and everything...
Take this time, and decide if that is what you think you are dealing with...
It really doesn't matter what every one else thinks you should do, you should only do what you want to do so that down the road, you have NO regrets...
That does not mean you will remain married and it does not mean you will get divorced...
You can do this if you want to...
Listen to the others posting to you. There are some great people here...
Some reconciled, some not, some who knows where, but most of them, pretty happy regardless...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
That was great advice. Oh I have all the books here about MLC, infidelity and alcoholism. That was another issue but now I believe he isn't one but was drinking excessively because he was in pain. Of course he doesn't see it that way.
I will stay the steady course for now. I will not contact him but if he contacts me, I will listen.
I need some time again to think. What would have been my 30th anniversary is in less than 2 weeks. OUCH!!!
Then all the holidays start. Another OUCH!!!!
With my sons not around and living here by myself, it took a lot of getting used to.
Everywhere I go, it reminds me of the good times with H and I get sad. Sometimes I can smile for having those good memories. My emotions are still all over the place.
I know I need patience and time. And most of all, Let it go and make myself happy. I do keep a journal of what makes me happy.
C, The first thing you must do is be kind to yourself and understand that if this is mlc, it takes an extremely long time for them to come out of it, if they even do. Some will go through in a shorter period of time and others long, and some stay in the rabbit hole forever. Each person is different, therefore they may experience the crisis differently, just as we react to their crisis...no two are alike.
One of the hardest things to learn is patience and how to understand the people in crisis. Expectations have to remain at zero at all times, i.e., no matter if they promise to do something for you, expect them not to.
Treating them with kindness and compassion doesn't mean jumping on th band wagon for dates or commitments, it means speaking to them in a calm voice, just as you do anyone else on the street. Try not to lower yourself to their level of crazy behavior. You are the adult now and he isn't. Compassion comes from the heart when you truly understand just how jumbled up their way of thinking is. Keep in mind, they have traveled back to a time where their emotional well being was stunted by someone. In other words, they need to accept the fact that whatever happened wasn't their fault and grow up from that point on.
If he truly is in crisis, the way he remembers things will be totally different from what you remember. Just remind yourself...you cannot change the way he's rewritten history...so do not try to argue w/him about it. They are his thoughts and he has ownership over them.
Detach, leave him alone unless it's an absolute emergency, keep expectations at zero, and most importantly...you were not invited on this trip of finding himself. Focus on you and what you need to do to make yourself happy. Live your life "as if", for there are no guarantees he will return.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
C, Right now, everything will appear to be a contradiction to you becuase there is no right or wrong way to deal with MLC. MLC, just like personalities, is different for each and every person going through it. Their childhoods are different, the way they react to things are different and the way their lives play out as adults is different.
The first thing is to protect our assets. Make sure that you are well protected in the financial department. That could mean ensuring that your name is not on joint credit cards w/him, separate bank accounts, etc. The second thing is to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and realize that you did not break him, therefore, you can't fix him. The only person that you can control is yourself and what you do w/your life.
Read the postings, take what you need from them and use it. Not every posting will "fit" your needs. You might not realize it at this time, but you will pick up some extremely valuable information as you read the postings.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There are so many things to do first that it is overwhelming in the beginning.
I was so late at the start of this, nearly paralyzed. I finally did individualize credit cards, but somehow I missed one. H found it, he says when he was exiting an account online it popped up with an offer for money and he took it, not realizing my name was on the account. I am still paying monthly, along with many other things.
Protect your finances, and try to protect your heart too.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
