Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is there any hope for us? 2

Can I put forward a theory? I fear you value your own opinions, thoughts and feelings so little, that you perhaps think that receiving his forgiveness, will help you forgive yourself, or ease your suffering in some way? But I fear though, that it won't. I've had LSE my whole life; grappled and practically begged people for forgiveness at times... and even when I did receive it, it never made me feel any better about my mistakes. I just kept beating up on myself anyways... perhaps almost 'for' them, so that they didn't have to do it themselves.

I really am concerned for you SoA. Have you had any luck finding another IC. You need someone there with you who can tell you that you still deserve to be cared for, comforted and loved. You need to learn how to love yourself. You're worth it, honest.

PS - did you get those books on self-esteem I'd suggested? They've made a big difference in my life and I was sure hoping they might help you too. I still have my struggles with it, but between the reading I do and help from my IC, I keep progressing.

The books are on hold for me at the library. I just need to get over there during business hours to pick them up. I'm concerned for me too.

Everbody makes mistakes. Sometimes we are forgiven, sometimes not, but the important thing about mistakes is learning from them because you learn more from your mistakes than your successes.

Self esteem is not something, on the other hand, that anybody else can give you, and successes do help with that

But in the end... even that is a bunch of ego stuff, and just having high self-esteem doesn't make you happy Being and being grateful being is a big part of being happy

Being and being grateful for being... <hate the edit being gone>

Oof! That must be frustrating! Here, I have a link that might be of help in the meantime. This website has a great little pdf workbook on self esteem - all sorts of good info and exercises on negative core beliefs, self-evaluation, how we 'protect ourselves' with rules & assumptions, and working towards a more balanced view of ourselves. It's very credible and concrete info; has been invaluable to me and echoes a lot of what my IC has been working on with me.

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/minipax.cfm?mini_ID=20

Thinking good thoughts for you, for strength, self-awareness and forgiveness. You're worth caring about yourself SoA.

I desperately want for my marriage to survive, and someday thrive.

I know you do, all of us want that for you too.

But tell me this... how about you? Where are you in all that comment above? Why is it all about the marriage, and nothing about you?

You come first, before your marriage SoA. If you don't allow yourself thrive, your marriage can't either.

SoA,

You cannot control your spouse's feelings. Whether he chooses to re-enter the marriage is his decision. Anything you do to try to control that decision and bring him back to you will backfire, even if done with the "best" of intentions, and ESPECIALLY while the stove is as hot as it is. Any calls, texts, etc.

You CAN control yourself. You CAN control how you feel. From what you write, it sounds to me like you have alot of negative self-talk going on.

If my marriage does not survive, I will be.....

I destroyed our marriage.

If my husband doesn't speak to me again or decide to reconcile...

Believe me, I understand this negative self-talk. I did it alot in the past and still have to catch myself doing it from time to time. BUT, you can replace this negative self-talk (or the negative conclusions) with other (realistic) thoughts and feel better.

Try to CATCH your negative thoughts and CHALLENGE them. What is a different perspective?


EXAMPLES

If my marriage does not survive....I will be ok because I was ok before I was married. The world will not end. I am not defined by my husband or by being married.

I made mistakes in my marriage, but I am taking XXXX steps to learn from them and improve myself, so I do not make the same mistakes in the future. I own my part of what went wrong in the marriage, but there were two parties and two responsibilities in the relationship.

If my husband does not decide to speak with me and reconcile, I will be ok because I was ok before I met my husband, and I am now taking steps to improve myself even over that.

I can promise, what I've done will NEVER happen again. I've learned my lesson the hard way.