WAS dropped bomb in July 09. Standard lines about not being happy etc. Three children aged 12, 10 and 8 at the time. She commenced legal proceedings in August 09 with very aggressive L. I discovered EA/PA with married personal trainer in October 09. I believe he was aggressively pressing her to pursue legal action etc.
EA/PA apparently ended in October 09 at time of discovery. For a short time (November to January) WAS and I resumed intimate relationship. Beginning in late January 10 she seemed more distant and I suspected she was dating. Ironically, in December 09 she started legal proceeding with outrageous allegations (abusive father (not true)) and seeking sole custody and a restraining order. [Note: this past week she apologized for making these allegations].
She finally moved out in June 10. We have joint custody of children with time split about 65-35 in her favour pursuant to a negotiated agreement. I also pay a substantial sum of money ($7,000) to her each month (so she doesn't seem too motivated to get a job)!
From the bomb to June 10 I tried to DB without much success. I couldn't keep my mouth shut and became involved in arguments where I would try to lay blame. During the same period WAS reasons seem to change from "not being happy" to "you treated me like [censored] for 13 years". She was very aggressive with her words and routinely referred to her hatred of me. Much of it seemed like rewriting history but the anger was unreal. At the same time, during this period, she would often initiate hugs and refer to the prospect of our "maybe" getting back together in a couple of years or that it would have been different and we could have worked things out if only I hadn't done this or that.
Since she moved out I have done much better at DBing. The children and I have a wonderful relationship. I've lost weight and signed up for spanish and saxaphone lessons. Whereas WAS has occasionally been pleasant during this period, she seems to take every opportunity possible to engage me in some form of argument and often name calls ("you're an [censored]...you're a fu...ng dick"). I have consistently resisted becoming involved in this kind of dialogue and laid boundaries that I will not communicate when she speaks in such a manner. I am in a much better spot emotionally and am prepared for whatever the outcome (I have been an avid reader of the posts of Coach and Sandi in this regard). I have been very good about avoiding angry/negative emotions.
This past week we had a small disagreement about the children. She asked to come to the house to discuss. In the course of this visit she said the following: -that she regrets making the allegations about my parenting and that she's sorry; that she regrets EA/PA but that nothing happened while we were married - she was looking for someone who made her feel good about herself; that she wants us to have dinner together with the children 1x a month starting that evening.
She telephoned about an hour later with what I found to be startling statements: She says she wants to like me again. She wants to trust me. She says she knows that we’ll never be friends again...that our marriage is over...its done...it cannot be fixed but that she wants to be able not to have angry or bitter feelings. It means so much to her if I would come.....that she left the house today for the first time “believing in me”.....she wants to believe in me again....she wants to trust me....she wants to be able to sit down for an hour and feel like a family....to put all of our differences aside....to be able to talk again.....
I went to dinner. It was uneventful but pleasant. I made certain not to stay too long. She later reported that the children responded very well. She made three separate references that made reference to my dating (ie. "A neighbour asked whether you were dating...I said I hope so). I did not respond either way.
Since the dinner she's back to much of the same (although not as bad). She has attempted to engage me in argument by sending a text referring critically to my parenting in the past ("Now you decided to become a good parent after leaving them out in the dray a year ago". I replied as follows: "I don't understanding what you're referring to. I am not going to argue with you. I agree that you are a wonderful mother. I hope you have a great night."
I'm not sure what to do. The dinner and the statements she made leading up to it reawakened some of those negative emotions/feelings I have about the false allegations and the EA/PA. I have used every ounce of self-restraint to avoid saying something critical. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing for an indefinite period? When, if ever, should I suggest something like retro?
I figured that's where you were going. There's nothing of significance. As part of the division of property settlement she got the cottage (which she has since sold) and a significant cash payment (which she used to buy her own house). Although the formal separation agreement has yet to be signed, there is nothing that I regard as substantial - certainly nothing that would make it worth her while to incur thousands more in legal fees.
I don't see why you 'should' accept your 'ex-wife's' (I understood you're still married) view of next steps.
Sounds equally that she's fishing to find out where you're at. Provoking arguments suggests she's still attached to you and the 'the marriage can't be fixed' talk sounds like she might be trying to convince herself. I'd just agree with her and see where it goes without any pressure to fix anything.
Move on if you want to but you sound pretty healthy and if you want to try to create a new relationship with your wife that might end up with a better marriage than the one you had, why would anyone discourage you from making that effort?
I don't see why you 'should' accept your 'ex-wife's' (I understood you're still married) view of next steps.
Sounds equally that she's fishing to find out where you're at. Provoking arguments suggests she's still attached to you and the 'the marriage can't be fixed' talk sounds like she might be trying to convince herself. I'd just agree with her and see where it goes without any pressure to fix anything.
Move on if you want to but you sound pretty healthy and if you want to try to create a new relationship with your wife that might end up with a better marriage than the one you had, why would anyone discourage you from making that effort?
I just don't know. She telephoned and ranted a bit a few moments ago. She claims she "truly believes" that I never really loved her....that there will always be conflict...that I'm happier since she left...that she'll never allow me to get close to her. I don't understand this apparent turmoil more than 15 months post-separation.
If she's calling you up to rant about issues like that, especially 'you never loved me' she's still conflicted. She may also be processing some guilt. No point mind reading though. FWIW, I think if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll be the one deciding whether you want to take her back. I thought your ' I'm not going to argue with you, you've been a great mom' response was perfect.
Sounds to me like she's cracking and as long as you don't play her game and keeping confusing her with your 180's you're doing well.
I don't think there's anything unusual about the 15 month time frame. That's why everyone says it takes time.
