Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Going Dark, Gaining Strenght

Well, guys, it's been a long weekend, but good.

My Dad came into town and took care of me Dad style! It was kinda great. Got me some furniture I needed, helped me put it together. Insisted I needed speakers and a DVD player (I would have been fine) and hooked me up. It was really sweet.

We talked a lot about WH and his family and the dynamics within it. There was some tremendous insight.

For one, we had dinner with SIL on Thursday. She is the only one in the family that is not putting on blinders to WH's crap. FIL actually reprimanded her for not towing the family line! I feel so bad for her.

This launched a whole discussion about the men in WH's family and their wives. Everyone is married to some sort of "horrible" woman. The men are not expected to change their behavior in any way. They are allowed to come over to the family home (where I used to live) and escape their responsibilities.

So, what do you know, I've become just another b*tch that is married to a man in that family. The difference? I fought back. I am also independent and strong. The other wives? They are ALL housewives and 2 of them don't speak English well. They really are stuck both culturally and financially. Their lives are miserable because their husbands don't love them and won't contribute to the M.

Is it ANY wonder why my WH slowly stopped contributing to the M? And the more I tried to be the "good girl" and do what he wanted, the more lazy he got. Things kept on coming up and Dad would ask "well, did you tell WH that?" and I would always say "yes!"

Is it any wonder when I stopped giving him everything he wanted, he turned on me and had this A?

So, now we have a situation where WH is having an OVERT A. He is bringing OW to the house and everyone pretends everything is ok. He lies to them about the ways she has to help him with his work. SIL told me what he is saying and it is total CRAP!

It has only been 3 months since he came home this summer and said he wanted a separation. I did everything I could to make it work and then some. But he's been such an a$$hole, he's made it really easy to let him go.


I gave it some thought and I know what he would have to do if we were to R. He and I would have to sit down with his parents, then his PhD Adviser, then OW and her parents and he would have to explain to them ALL that he had been having an affair, that from now on he can no longer work with OW in any way because he wishes to recommit to his marriage. Then, he would need to go to therapy for himself to work out his issues.


I think about my WH and really believe that he has been slowly emotionally abusing me over the years. He has disregarded my happiness for years, while stringing me along me with promises. He has made promises to contribute to the M and never followed through. And, he has ALWAYS been a liar. Always. It was little things, but he lied all the time. I never thought about it that way, but that's who he has been.


No fault D takes a year to be final in my state. They require a one year separation agreement.


On a final note, he never got in touch with me about the credit card debt we shared. It was all transferred to one of my cards on a 0% interest. I asked him to either give me a small lump sum that would be revisited in February when the 0% ends or I would transfer half to one of his cards. Last night I did the transfer. 10% interest for him plus a $400 balance transfer fee. Oh well. Sucks to be him.

Way to go! I'm right there with you too. It's crazy when the lightbulb goes on and we see our Hs as they really are, warts and all, and how it all fits with family patterns. Trust yourself, believe yourself now. You and I both lived with blinders on for a long time, wishing and believing we could change things by being more lovable. Becoming away of abuse that we've suffered over the years is a hard pill to swallow, but it is necessary. Better now than twenty years from now.

Keep strong!

It is a hard pill to swallow.

I wouldn't go so far as to say WH raped me over the years, but over time his sex drive made him disregard my needs, which certainly led to the deterioration of the marriage. Here's a story.

2 years ago, I went to go meet my WH while he was working overseas. It was an 11 hour flight, and on the way I was very very sick. It was a combination of nerves and I think maybe food poisoning, but I hadn't eaten in 11 hours, had vomited on the plane all over myself, and was generally a wreck when I arrived.

And even though I was still a little sick when I arrived and really just wanted to crawl into the bed at the hotel and sleep for the rest of the day, WH insisted we have sex because he hadn't had sex for the 6 weeks prior while we were apart. I tried to put it off, but he was so pushy and I was so tired I just didn't have the energy to resist.

6 weeks, and he couldn't wait one day. He couldn't put my needs as someone who just traveled thousands of miles FOR HIM over his sex drive.

And since he is clearly not dealing with this, and of course our sex life was MY fault, he will continue this pattern. I almost fear that he may step it up with OW. No matter how much of a whore she is (oh, and if I ever see her I will call her a whore) no woman deserves this treatment.

I totally agree. That is really bad. Cruel in fact. I'm so sorry.

My husband wasn't aggressive sexually, he was the opposite. I think I can count on both hands the number of times we had sex in our entire marriage. He never ever wanted to have sex, usually rejected me when I did and when it did happen let's just say he was satisfied but I didn't feel much. He never seemed concerned about this. I eventually gave up and started sleeping on the couch. Never a kiss hello or good bye, never a cuddle on the couch.

But what you went through is awful I hope you get some therapy for that because it's a true violation!

I've been following your situation from the very beginning and I really admire and respect the tremendous strength you've shown, not only with your H but his family and the school.

Your H sounds like he was a princely child at the best of times and I imagine you overlooked his shortcomings because there was something charming about his childishness. That charm has undoubtably been destroyed by his recent disgusting behaviour. Listening to him insult you on those tapes must have been extremely damaging and I can only imagine how hurt you are.

Because I have such respect for what you've done to this point I'd like to give you a gentle caution. The kind of talk you and H4L are engaged in is completely understandable. You have both been treated horribly and you are both trying to detach from the source of the pain. It is natural to focus on the worst aspects of that person to do that, in fact it's exactly how WAS' justify affairs. I'm not saying it's revisionist history to the same extent but the effect and intent is the same, to create distance.

This is fine if you have truly given up on your M but if you want to retain any faith that your M can be restored, I advise caution. You may wish to try to detach by banishing thoughts of your H and his A rather than demonize him.

I know that's easier said than done and please understand I'm not judging you, I just feel it will be very hard for you to ever deal with your H in the future if you continue down this road. This is precisely why the experts say when the WAS eventually comes around the BS has often already closed the door to any R. That may be where you are now IDK, if it is I can well understand, I just hope you are making the choice mindfully and not slipping into the mindset incrementally as a reaction to the pain your H has caused.

I wish you all the best.

Edmond - That is the debate I am having, and you are right - the more I look back, the less I want to work things out with WH.

It is already nearly impossible to deal with WH now. I am doing my best to not revise our past in a negative light. Unfortunately, it seems I viewed our M with rose-colored glasses.

I honestly don't think our M can be restored. This has been a hard reality to face. I have been working hard for years to keep our M going, and H has done everything in his power to either check out or destroy it. I don't have the energy to do it anymore.

I have been going to my weekly therapy, discovering many things about myself. I can honestly say that I will be a stronger, more self-aware person after this. I already am. With WH, that charming aspect of his childishness has become the tantrums of a spoiled child. I look back at the texts since the A and see all the conversations we had in our M where things became my fault.

I deserve happiness. And when I said something in our M made me unhappy, instead of compromising or changing something, WH tried to find a way to get his way. Like living in that damn house. I agreed under certain conditions. Over time, the conditions that WH was responsible for slowly disappeared. When I said I was unhappy living there, he never even met me half way. Never. No attempt was made to talk to his family and make agreements about their involvement in our lives. He'd agree to save money so we could afford to move, then he'd over-spend so much we couldn't save, month after month. He checked out not only of the M, but of his family, leaving me to be our representative time and time again in family events. Then, if I was too vocal about what made me upset to others in the family because he wouldn't talk to them, I would get reprimanded by WH.

No, I was quite clear about what I wanted in our M. I was clear the whole time.

The problem with the DB techniques in my sitch is that many of them are what I was doing - trying to be the spouse that my WH wanted. Only, in his family, that is the basic expectation. Be the perfect girl and keep your mouth shut.

I understand. I've been in this place recently and it still comes up.

Your H has some serious growing up to do and it won't happen as long as he is using his A as a crutch to avoid it. His family isn't helping and probably never will. I can imagine in these circumstances it's hard to imagine your H ever waking up and then growing up. I think that's a good part of the reason the protection phase involves focussing on you and letting go of all thoughts, good, bad, speculative, imagined, anything to do with your H until he's out of his fog.

FWIW, I don't think the point of DB'ing is to be the S your partner wants but rather to be your best self, the person your S saw in you when they fell in love with you. You're obviously growing in that direction and I expect one day when your H's A crashes and burns, he'll notice that and the question will be 'what has he done to deserve you back?'.

You might want to try just staying dark, letting go, concentrating on your personal growth and letting things take their course for awhile.

I think you're doing great and you'll have an amazing life no matter what you choose to do.

Edmond, I thought about that a lot today - letting go. I vent much less than I used to. I don't have to call someone every night to bitch. I can actually have other types of conversations.

I went to yoga class tonight for the first time in years. It is something I had been meaning to get back into, and something H really was trying to encourage me to do as well. So, it was somewhat bittersweet. It is also one of the reasons he gave me for wanting the separation. I know, it's a false reason, but he got me where it hurt there.

But it was a good thing to do. My body will hurt, but it is something I needed to do - to get out there!

I am trying to keep busy and be the best me I can. I don't know when I stopped doing that.

JIN, FWIW< I have been told many times and have come to believe it as true, that Db actually hurt me more because of the emotional abuse I lived with. It simply put me in the same position as you - to be the only one trying to hold the M together while H goes his merry way and does what he wants, makes false promises that he doesn't keep, etc.

I also haved viewed our relationship with rose colored glasses and now that I"m taking them off I can't believe how long I believed in something that wasn't there from H. He was always smarter, more business savvy, made much more money, had good reasons for everything, was good looking and in great health, was a good provider and I still struggle with feeling angry at him and believing he is wrong. I always take his word for things as something I have done wrong.

I know this now from therapy and this is how I am taking off the glasses. Although I am scared to be a single parent, to have no money, to be alone, and because I have low self esteem in general, I struggle with letting go. But like you I see there is no way to work out a relationship with somebody who blames me for everything and just wants me to be quiet and perfect and do what he says.

We will get through this!

H4L,

Can you write more about this? I've been (rightfully) accused of this behavior. My W finds herself in in therepy and not wanting to put up w/ my CB on this type of thing. I'm a know it all, and she believed I could do no wrong until the bottom fell out. I don't want to be this way. What could your H do to fix this? What 180s would you have him do? How can he show you that he values your opion as much as you do/did his? I think this would be helpful to me.

Thanks.