Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Just don't know what to do anymore

Yes, with time, but also with the PRACTICE and REPETITION of doing the new, counter-intuitive, DB behaviors over and over.

It doesn't really get better for the folks who just make the same ol' mistakes, over and over again. (not saying you, just saying in general).

Puppy

Sorry you are here and I'm glad you are getting good advice. That rollercoaster you mentioned a post or two back in the one I have been on for 6months. How BAD do you want it to get before you let go? Believe me, if you don''t stick to this plan things just get worse and worse.

3 yrs is a long time. I feel for ya. How do you feel about yourself? I hope you know not to allow anyone else to determine that for you.

Hey Pup,
Thanks for being here.
God bless.

Listen to puppy. He's right. Time to let go of the rope.

Thanks again Puppy, and the others as well. Ya know I crept these fourms for a couple years without ever posting. I'm not sure why I waited so long? I appreciate the input and the support. @ puppy, I was certainly one of the ones making the same ol mistakes over and over again. I had read DB and many other books, I had followed the fourms and gone to a councellor, but it seemed my instinct to be a "fixer" always took over. But I do feel now like I have finally taken the advice to heart, and I realize the importance of taking care of me. I'm GALing, (going fishing with a new buddy tomorrow) and am focusing on re-directing my impulses to send a text or an email to her. @ tulsa, to be honest I felt pretty terrible about myself for a looong time. Some of it was from others, but for the most part I was feeling sorry for myself, I wasn't doing anything for me, and focused every ounce of energy trying to win her back, and the repetetive failure at that just made me feel worse. I know I've turned a corner now. I was a pretty good guy before all this, and I lost it for too long. I'm looking forward to getting "me" back and just having some fun again. PS. zero contact with the stbxw for about 9 days now. It may not sound like much, but it is a big step for me. I'll just write here instead from now on. Thank all.

It has been a few weeks since I last posted and I thought I should update, as I got some great advice the last time. I am trying to follow it as closely as possible (though I admit to a slip or two). As f my last update I had had no contact at all with stbxw for about 10 days, as of now there has only been one since (dropping off the kids last friday). My slip was that I was feeling really lonely I guess after seeing her that day, and this weekend I wrote her an email. Of course there was no response, but unlike in the past I haven't felt any need to follow up that letter with a request for a response. I know now to just drop it, and realize it was my mistake in sending it in the first place.
I am looking for advice or perhaps just thoughts on this; our last phone conversation was about a month ago, and she told me that the papers were to be filed the next day, and that I would be served the following week. nearly a month later now, I have still not received them?? It has been my habit in the past to see this as a "sign" that she doesn't really want to file. Even when I know there could be several reasons why it hasn't happened yet, my default has been "hope" Am I wrong to feel this, is there another perspective or way to look at it? Second thing that happened was that on Facebook (evil) last week she changed her surname from her married name to a hyphenated maiden/married surname, and now back to her married name. I caught myself wondering "why" and again defaulted to "maybe she isn't so sure yet". How do I get over thinking or analyzing this stuff all the time.
As john28 said "time to let go of the rope" and I know he's right, I'm just trying to figure out how to do it without cutting off my hands lol.

It will be difficult for you to build a strong support group if you do not post more often. People don't stick with a thread when the author don't hang with it.

appreciate the advice sandi, would this have been better as a new post then?

I don't think you have to start a new one, just post often so it doesn't push your thread way down close to the end of the forum.

Hello again I'm back.
I guess I decided to write today because I'm looking for some input or even advice. I'm desperately trying to figure out what is going on with my sitch with my stbxw. Though having just written that I realize that maybe "trying to figure it out" is the problem. So anyways here is my dilemma, Back in August my wife called me and let the "OM new relationship" cat out of the bag after denying it for some time. She told me that she was going to file the divorce within the next day or so and I would be served the papers within the week. They never came. We had little to no contact during that time, when we finally talked nearly 2 months later she again said that she was to file within days and to expect the papers, again they never came. Finally last week I called her out on it, she gave me a hundred excuses for why she hadn't done it (all BS lame excuses) but that after this conversation she was absolutely going to do it the next day, this was her final decision and was heading for the courthouse the very next day. Well 10 days later now, still no papers and to the best of my knowledge she never did go to the court to file. I should explain that there is nothing to contend in the D, we have a separation agreement in place that has already laid out all the issues, the D is just the formality at this point. Lawyers are paid etc. I know that for my part I have always thought that she really doesn't want to D, but cannot look to salvage anything at this point for a variety of reasons, but I do still hold out that "never too late hope" So I guess my question is; Is this just a power trip? Her looking to control, may she still be confused and not know what she really wants? I'm trying to be very careful not to see too much "false hope" but at the same time she says over and over that this is what she truly wants yet never follows through with it? I don't want the D obviously, but the constant "threat" and anticipation of being served any day now is really keeping me stuck. I'm trying to be patient, trying to DB, GAL etc. My friends advice continues to be that I just file myself. But thats not what I want so why would I do that, I know that my sitch got this far because of my many anti DB mistakes made so far. Has anybody else been through something similar, from either side of the coin? She says I need to let her go, I know I need to let her go, and I am working hard at it, but it seems she won't let me go either, I've tried to set boundries, and tell her if thats what she wants to do, then just do it already. She knows what I want, and that by not filing that she is feeding my hope. What the he!! does she want? Just her cake and eat it too???