Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Situation - any thoughts or ideas

Next update.... so Sunday I moved to my parents house.

My mother is a terrible cook and W and I used to joke about that. Sunday around 7, I get a TM from W saying she'd have the kids call me after their bath and asked if I ate my mothers cooking. I replied that "yes I ate it and now two things are killing me"

W: "We had spaghetti, how about I pack a lunch for you for tomorrow?"

(I was picking up the kids this morning to take them to school)

M: "That would be very nice. Thank you"

W: "I'll go to it right now"

(10 minutes later)

W: "All done, I'll try not to forget to give it to you in the morning."

M: "Thank you, that makes me feel good that you would do that for me."

W: "I'll always care about you."


WTF?!?!?!??! I'll never understand women. I'm going to divorce you, but let me go pack your lunch first. I really love this women and she obviously cares about me. How the hell do I get her to understand that that is enough of a foundation to rebuild from? Uggggggghhhhhhhh.

Anyway. I'm living in my parents guest room. I'm almost 40 years old. How depressing is that?

Somebody make me feel better.

X

Amen to that! If you figure it out let me know.


Well, I'll be joining you in the guest room of my folks house in a few weeks. If that isn't motivation to GAL I don't know what is.

Want to feel better. Stop letting women mother you.

Good news and bad news.

The good news is, your W does seem to care about you, and genuinely like you.

The bad news is, to a woman, that has nothing to do with whether she wants to be with you. Took me a loooonnnnggg time to finally understand and accept that.

However, fear of loss of someone a woman cares about can sometimes change her feelings. I had all sorts of great interactions with my WAW, and could never understand why it didn't bring her around. It wasn't until I finally pulled way back, and made her pursue me for several months that she started to show romantic interest in me again.

As I said before, you need to let her go, for a while, and break the co-dependence. Given that you moved back into your parents' house, I'm concerned that you'll transfer co-dependence to them, inhibiting your growth. Why were you the one to move out anyway? She's the one that wants to leave the marriage.

I moved out for several reasons. The biggest is the kids. I decided it was better for them than the reverse. Also, I had a place to go, W would have had to move 1.5 hours away.

Given your state of mind, it was probably impossible, but from what I read, the best thing for you to do by far was to stay in the house, pull yourself up, put on a confident optimistic smile, start living your life for you and your kids, and reduce your interaction with your W to weekly gentle inquiries about whether she's found a place to live yet.

At this point, you don't need to "win her back", you need to make her believe you've had an awakening, and now you've decided you deserve better than someone who doesn't really want you.

She cares about you, which is great, but she just doesn't see you as a strong man who can take care of her. Just the opposite.

So, I'm living with my parents, but at the house with kids twice a day. So, I see W a bunch. Still doing my 180's. Really just a "bedroom" 40 minutes away.

Yesterday was a downer. I TM W mid-day saying that I was going to the gym after work and would she mind if I stopped by to see the kids after. She replied "sure, and I'm glad you're back in the gym". Point for me.

So, I stopped by and played with kids. W was distant and didn't really talk to me much, but did ask if I wanted dinner. All 4 of us ate and then I took the kids to the store to buy some pumpkins. I picked up a few items that I noted the house was out of to be nice. Then drove to parents house.

Also yesterday, I started with a new IC. Went well. I'm so convinced that W is depressed and exhausted. From my descriptions, C agrees and said I needed to get W in with somebody.

I asked W if she would see someone with me. She asked the goal, I replied "Closure". She is very much trying not "to give me false hope" - her words and I knew if I said "reconciliation" she would say no. But she agreed!

That was an upper, but overall the day yesterday sucked. Hoping for a better day today.

The more I think all this over, I am increasing convinced that W is, and has been, depressed and exhausted. I think I shared that she works a ton (long days, evenings at home, many middle of the night interruptions) with emotionally challenging situations and hasn't ever slept well.

Anyone have experience dealing with depression as the "cause" of the WAW? Any suggestions other than counseling - trying to get that started already.

XYZ,

Be careful with this. Trying to diagnose your spouse is tough, even for trained psychiatrists.

Yes.

In my sitch it was all self inflicted. I convinced myself that I was not a cause or a solution to her depression and walked away from that aspect.

It went away because she "fixed" it by herself.