In need of some major support right now. H was at the house this afternoon b/c he picked up DS8 from school. He started bawling his eyes out and said he doesn't know who he is and that he needs to find himself. He told me for sure now that he came back 4 years ago and shouldn't have, that he told himself if he thought positive, and spoke positive (in other words, lie to me this whole time) it would all work out and he would be happy, we would be happy. He is not happy (which I already know)and that he believes that all these years together (12) he tried to be a man that he is not capable of being and thus the reason for his depression. That he tried to be what I wanted and lost himself in the process. He said we need to sit down and talk about the divorce, etc... That he isn't blaming me, but yet he is still indirectly blaming me. He said he feels nothing for me other than he loving me as the mother of his children. He said I'm 41 years old and I have NOTHING. I don't even know how to be a good dad.
Your H is hurting big time right now. To be honest with you I am not sure if what is going in with him is not more than just depression. He may need serious help. I say this not to upset you but because you need to start looking to get him help.
In terms of him finding himself, Jennifer you need to LET HIM GO. You can validate how he feels and as much as this hurts YOU need to the rock for your kids. I am not saying don't cry. No. Cry your eyes out just don't do it in front of the kids.
Look Jennifer as hard as this is you need to keep reminding yourself that this is his issue. Nothing you do can fix him.
Just love him and be as supportive as you can. As for the D convo I suggest that you tell him that the two of you can talk about it later.
My prayers are with you.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
This is classic MLC talk. Especially the "I blame you but it's all me" part. There's nothing you can do other than validate his feelings (he truly feels this way), and work on detachment. It's not easy but this is probably going to take awhile and you need to find a way to not let his future mood swings affect YOU. Work on YOU. This isn't going to help the pain your feeling right now. There's nothing to do about that other than feel it, accept it, and move on. You did not cause this. But you can grown from this. ((((Jennifer))))
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Thank you friends. I know I need to detach it just hurts so bad to hear him confirm things I have been thinking.
I AM letting him go. I'm not the one who brings up R talk and feelings. He is.
Eric, He doesn't want help. I've tried and that's when he acts like "oh, I just don't know what to do, I'm not calling any prevention hotline" I mean it seems he cries wolf and then when I call his bluff, it's not that big of a deal that I need to call the suicide prevention hotline? So, what exactly do you mean by get him help?
His mental state worries me. Alot. He told me that the counselor asked him if he thought today that he's just trying to let me go so that I find happiness with someone else? And my H said, yes, maybe I am.
Jennifer, I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I am not an expert and I dont know your h but he sound like he is still going through his crisis.
Hard as it is going to be right now, it is very important that you take care of yourself and your kids.
Your h is going to have to find his way.
And you are going to have to find your strength.
You have to follow your own path to peace. That begins with realizing that you need he has to walk this journey in his own way and you need to let him.
So, have a good cry. Then, remember that you will get through this.
Focus on you and your children. Take it one step at a time.
Do you feel safe in the house with him? Are you concerned about the safety of your kids? If so, then honestly I would leave or ask him to leave immediately.
If saftey is not your concern and you really are just wondering what the hell is going on in his head...well then I think we need to look at this a few different ways.
1- he faking this chit and trying to manipulate you into agreeing with the divorce. If this is the case I really think you only have two options. One - validate as best you can OR two take a step back and ask yourself if this is something that you really want to live with. Remember standing is a choice YOU make.
2 - if you feel that he really is that depressed I think you need to call his doctor asap. Just remember Jennifer - no one can help him except HIM. You can't make him see something that he does not want to see.
Jennifer - I feel for ya. Just know that you are going to be okay regardless of what happens.
How is your H right now?
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Jennifer, I'm sorry. I didnt read back on your thread.
A couple of things - if you think your h is going to harm himself - call his doctor.
I know how hard it is to watch someone you love so depressed.
But, as long as you are not afraid of him doing anything to you or the kids or himself, you are going to have to let him get the help he needs on his own. You cant force him.
Just let him know that you are there for him if he needs you.
Does he have a family member that he can go to?
Do you have support?
Try your best to remain calm. Rest. Eat. Sleep.
And take care of yourself. You are going to need a lot of strength in the coming weeks.
In need of some major support right now. H was at the house this afternoon b/c he picked up DS8 from school. He started bawling his eyes out and said he doesn't know who he is and that he needs to find himself. He told me for sure now that he came back 4 years ago and shouldn't have, that he told himself if he thought positive, and spoke positive (in other words, lie to me this whole time) it would all work out and he would be happy, we would be happy. He is not happy (which I already know)and that he believes that all these years together (12) he tried to be a man that he is not capable of being and thus the reason for his depression. That he tried to be what I wanted and lost himself in the process. He said we need to sit down and talk about the divorce, etc... That he isn't blaming me, but yet he is still indirectly blaming me. He said he feels nothing for me other than he loving me as the mother of his children. He said I'm 41 years old and I have NOTHING. I don't even know how to be a good dad.
I've been in tears most of the night tonight.
This whole thing sounds soooo familiar to me it's freaky. Sweetie, you need to focus on detaching, which you already know. It might help to go back and read some of my earlier stuff ... it hurts like hell, but unfortunately everyone on here has been here, or in a very similar place. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone.
If you haven't called a suicide prevention line, I would. Ask them if there are any questions you should be asking him directly when he seems to be that low. My sister has some crisis counselling training and they've been taught that people who are serious actually plan and have ways and means, and they won't lie or hide it when asked direct questions. For your own peace of mind you might want to know if there are true signals or if it's likely he's crying wolf. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS none of it is your fault. His MLC, his depression, his leaving or staying, his potential to hurt himself ... none of it has anything to do with you.
(((Jennifer))) PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Do you feel safe in the house with him? Are you concerned about the safety of your kids? If so, then honestly I would leave or ask him to leave immediately.
I feel safe when he's at the house. He isn't here much. Maybe a few hours a week, if that. I'm not concerned about the safety of the kids.
Quote:
1- he faking this chit and trying to manipulate you into agreeing with the divorce. If this is the case I really think you only have two options. One - validate as best you can OR two take a step back and ask yourself if this is something that you really want to live with. Remember standing is a choice YOU make.
Seriously? Tell him no, I don't want to discuss the divorce? When it's clearly what he believes he wants?
Quote:
2 - if you feel that he really is that depressed I think you need to call his doctor asap. Just remember Jennifer - no one can help him except HIM. You can't make him see something that he does not want to see.
I know I can't help him, I do know this.
Quote:
How is your H right now?
Not sure since he doesn't live here. He texted me right after he left tonight saying I'm not blaming you...and something else I forget because I deleted it. Then my son tells me that daddy said "I love mommy, I am just not in love with her and that we won't be together anymore" I texted him and said thanks for letting me know you talked with S8 and told him you're not in love with me" He replies and says that our son is ridiculously smart and that our son is the one that said that. BULLLLLLLLL SH&&&&T! I'm not doing this to my kids. I'm not going back and saying well daddy said YOU said that, not him. WTF is wrong with this man? There is no way my son understands the difference of loving someone and being "in love" with someone for him to point that out to my H. He is warped!
Seriously? Tell him no, I don't want to discuss the divorce? When it's clearly what he believes he wants?
Jennifer – yes I am serious! Do you want to talk about D? Do YOU want a D? If not, then why do YOU have to talk about it? Ultimately, if this is something that HE wants he will move forward with it. You should feel free to talk about it when YOU feel ready to NOT when HE wants YOU to.
Jennifer, IMO, you need to sit down and figure out what it is that you really want for YOU and YOUR kids. What YOUR H wants should not play into YOUR thought process.
Your H is not happy and NOTHING YOU do will change that for him – RIGHT NOW. So maybe it is time for Jennifer to sit down and start really focusing on HER happiness and let H spin in the wind. Your H is on an ugly rollercoaster and I suggest that you not get on that ride.
Be happy Jennifer. Make a life for you and your kids. If your H wants to join well then great…either way…you and kids should be happy.
Maybe it is about time that YOU really limit your contact with H.
Stop responding to text
Stop answering every call he places to you
Just let him GO
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
