People will say things like "every situation is different" and yet those same people will be the one's exhibiting "nice guy"/doormat behaviors and continue to allow a spouse to walk all over them, thinking that if they're nice enough, patient enough, allow enough time to pass, their spouse's affair(s) will eventually end and they will want to return home to their left behind spouse. If you believe this, I want you to comb this forums and find me one example of that where it worked. Find me one where it really worked, where the cheating spouse came home, apologized, fell head over heels in love with the spouse they cheated on, came home and made everything better.
didnt that work here originally? then she got it in her heart that cheating on him is OK and did it again? see...
Originally Posted By: Atossup
The last time this W and I had issues I did the wait and see approach and was patient and understanding and she came back. I know her and that works with her
then she got it in her heart that cheating on him is OK and did it again. And its still OK. Ouchy. I guess there is nothing really wrong with letting another person go and find themselves, express themselves sexually, explore what it means to fall in love with other people. We could call it letting them go, right?
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were"
But don't neglect to realize that by allowing them to go out and have their fun you have set precedence that sharing them with another boy is OK with you. Now maybe that other boy isn't everything and more and they come back or maybe its just a Mid-Life-Crisis and they need to sow their wild oats and they'll be back when it has run its course. So, if you are open to it why do you belly ache about it? You are allowing it to occur, over and over.
If I was your wife I wouldn't see anything wrong with it. I would have 2 maybe more boys fighting over me. I could get what I want when I want it. And if I was bored I could easily switch boys and see what else I could conquer. Good deal. Keep setting me free, if I keep coming back to you it's must mean we were meant to be.
In the quote the marriage was broken without any chance of healing - and while the wife may have learned something, the husband certainly didn't.
No, a man standing up to disrespectful and damaging behavior in a marriage shows he has learned something. Letting someone act against your beliefs and values is harmful to your spiritual, mental, physical and emotional well-being. It's actually very loving to all parties involved to take on stand on behaving the right way. It's also very attractive to women. Womens feelings of love are tied to respect.
Yes, the LBS needs to own up to their part of the failure and do the work on themselves. Valuing and loving yourself enough to have your spouse not carry out an affair in your home that is being financed by you, taking away family resources (time, money, energy, love, attention, affection, sex) is the least that should be allowed. It's not really asking for much. It's not even tough, it's expected by most people. Plus women really want their husbands to fight for them not be docile or compliant with her feelings. She knows she's wrong and wants to her man to take a stand because she matters to him. Woman aren't attracted to men who will let a women run around and not take action. Rewarding or ignoring bad behavior gets you more bad behavior.
Busting the affair is just part of DBing but there is no reconcliation with a OP involved. If you keep reading and watching it becomes very clear what works and what doesn't. I didn't buy into to it at first either. It was part of my work to understand the dynamics between men and women.
A good example of so called "tough love" is in a John Wayne movie called "The Quiet Man" he finds out the nice guy approach isn't attractive. It's when he leads, doesn't put up with her bad behavior and takes action his woman is attracted to him.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Without the man in question here, we'll never know. All I can go on is men (& women) I have known who have come from a similar place. What I am saying is that doormat and "tough love" are not the only options, which is apparently what is being suggested here. If the objective is "Marriage Busting" (as opposed to "Divorce Busting") then "tough love" certainly fits the bill. I don’t see MWD advocate this tough love thing - but perhaps I am missing something (and would be happy to read anything she has written to that effect).
The tough love thing certainly feels better than being a victim, and if the thing that "works" is to end the marriage, it's pretty effective - certainly much quicker than the slow death of continuing to be a doormat. If these were the only two options, then I would certainly agree with tough love. Indeed, I do agree that there are times when it is the best approach for one spouse to take.
Perhaps my perspective is a bit different since I am familiar with quite a number of marriages that have healed from infidelity, albeit none that has successfully used this “tough love” thing. I do not know of a single one in which the betrayed spouse didn’t have a share of responsibility for the marriage problems, for example.
Accepting this can be a real stumbling stone for many betrayed spouses, and the initial reaction is typically that they are somehow being “blamed” for their spouse’s infidelity.
The doormat comes from a place of being a victim or a child. Whether a man or a woman, it is not an effective way to be in a relationship. The "tough love" attitude comes from a place of being parental towards the other. While this may be attractive to some women, it is not a solid basis for a marriage.
The man in the scenario described did not learn his lesson because he refused to accept his responsibility for the breakdown in the marriage.
...I do not know of a single one in which the betrayed spouse didn’t have a share of responsibility for the marriage problems, for example.
Of course spouses share in marriage problems.
Who said they didn't?
But.... if your spouse makes the decision to have an affair and cheat on you, that is a decision they made, you had no say in that decision. If they exercise the power to make decisions such as these, they also have responsibility for those same actions.
The "tough love" attitude comes from a place of being parental towards the other.
No it's about boundaries, behavior that isn't acceptable in a marriage. The WAS has a choice.
MWD advocates
180s - stop being a Nice Guy.
Drop the rope- agree with them, yep this marriage isn't working for me either, you are free to go if you choose.
GAL - respecting and valuing yourself is a great start
How would you suggest a man handle it if his wife is having an affair while living in his home, neglecting the kids, spending money recklessly, no responsiblity to the family, and coming and going as they please?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
How would you suggest a man handle it if his wife is having an affair while living in his home, neglecting the kids, spending money recklessly, no responsiblity to the family, and coming and going as they please?
I would suggest saying something like this:
"... babe I think I'm falling in love with you all over again!"
Totally agree with Coach, my H walked after supposedly trying for three months, yeah trying to carry on walking and making my life hell!
I found DB straight away, he visited two or three times on his terms then I went NC! Soon woke him up me moving on, you say it having some effect...DONT RUSH IT! It took six months for my H to move back in, I never ever asked or begged just made it look like the best option, well who wouldnt want to be with the fun sexy wife..
Second key word is BOUNDARIES! Under NO circumstances do you start talking or relating while she has OM! You are worth respecting and she is going to do it whether she likes it or not, if she pushes walk away, it is the most powerful thing I learnt to do, I dont argue I walk away, if I want attention I get busy GAL and he misses me!
But as always keep doing it only for you! If Mrs T sees the light its a bonus!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
coach a few more great suggestions for the nice guy would be: - be an ever better "super" nice guy!!! - do every chore around the house - cook every meal - work full time - take care of 99% of all child care related responsibilities - buy the cheating spouse gifts, dinners, and always offer plenty of foot rubs - tell her you love her and you're fine with her being with another man because at least you still have her in your dreams at night when you rest your head on that tear soaked pillow - pay for her cell phone bill, the cell phone she uses to call and text the other man with - pay her credit card bills, the credit card she uses to buy new clothes, shoes, underwear, manicures/pedicures for herself along with hotel rooms, dinners and gifts for the other man - generally be passive and don't stand up for yourself ever, self-respect, self-value, self-esteem are all overrated concepts anyways - pretty much wander around clueless to the fact that you are killing every last ounce of attraction left between you and your wife
That's a good list to start with, feel free to add more items to the list that will help the "nice guy" be even more.... NICE!
