Timeheals - everything you wrote is true. I'm processing each and every word. Thanks
gutwrenching - not sure what you are suggesting...is there some revelation in this that I'm missing? thanks
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
I'm less confident that once I let go, he will "wake up".
And if he don't why would you want him. I'm in the same boat your in, I did not want a divorce, I don't believe in divorce, and yet my WAW has caused so much damage that I would never take her back, but if you truly want him back sometimes guchie's way is the only way it ever happens, they have to fear loosing you. DB didn't work for me & wife but it made me strong enough to deal with the sich without being a doormat. I can tell you from my sich being a doormat sucks.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
And know this.... I want you succeed, I don't want anyone's marriage to fail, but before that... I want people to treat each other better, I want respect to be commonplace, I want people to stand up for themselves and stop being afraid to stand up for themselves, and to speak up for themselves when they're being used, abused and treated poorly.
You know, for me, if this were just any OW it might be easier for me. But it is his ex wife. There is history there. She hurt him, bad (left him for another man 20 some-odd years ago). And now she is giving him all he ever wanted. An apology, begging him to take her back, etc. It's unrequited love. It's power, for him. And because of their history, their situation, I'm less confident that once I let go, he will "wake up". I know in my heart and without ego that they won't work out. But still.
Yes, Rob, I have given him permission at times to disregard my feelings and my truth. I got the " I love you but..." speech about 6 months ago, but it's just the way he is choosing to make his move that is so cruel. Why not be a man and leave? Why not stay gone once you have left? Why not go and be with your supposed soul mate? What is he afraid of? Making a mistake?!
Keep working on me guys. I really appreciate it.
Quote:
...While you wait patiently for him to make a decision what is the impetus behind him to ever make a decision, regardless if it's to stay with you or to be with her? If you let him, I'm sure he wouldn't mind having 2 "wives". The good wife at home to cook and clean and wipe his wittle bum bum and the "bad" wife to have that great exciting hot sex with?
He enjoys having 2 wives, a lot of men would, in fact there's a new reality tv show about a guy who has 4 wives, harems are in fashion again ;-)
Why not be a man and leave? Because he doesn't have to, you are allowing him to have both. Why wouldn't he want the best of both worlds?
Human nature dictates we take the path of least resistance. Most people don't like change and won't embrace it unless they are forced to. Did you make any changes in your behavior before you were faced with a crisis?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
So - I did good and I did bad. Trying to figure out how to proceed now.
As I mentioned in my original post, H had said last Wednesday he had cut off all communication with ex wife. On Saturday night, H was downstairs and I was in the loft. I wasn't planning on spying on him but he was acting the way he had been when he was in contact with her. I waited and then saw him text her. And then I threw it down in a way I haven't before. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he wanted to tell her goodnight. I told him it had only been 72 hours and he couldn't keep his promise of no contact. I told him that since he seemed to think he would have a better life with her that he could now leave, that I wouldn't stop him and that I was no longer afraid of him leaving. I told him that it would be best for him to leave while I had some love for him and before I started to hate him, which was forthcoming. He said "I'm not going anywhere unless I choose and unless I am ready". I told him that in fact, that would not be the case. That I would retain the lawyer I had consulted with and force him to leave via a writ of possession. His eyes got really big. I told him that I had the pornographic photos she had sent him in a safe place and he said sarcastically, "good". I replied that it was in fact not "good" for him because I would use the photos during the custody phase of our divorce. I told him it was not "good" for her because I knew all about the fact that her ex was currently suing her in regards to child support and custody and that I could make her life miserable if I chose.
We discussed several other things - it is clear that he is confused and in denial - he keeps pointing out the trust issues I've had in our relationship and how if he chose to work on our relationship, he was afraid I would never trust him again. In the beginning of our marriage, he did something stupid but I did something more stupid - I made a mountain out of a mole hill and never let it go. I know everything I did to contribute to our issues. I take full responsibility and started working on my issues about a year ago. But I explained that this situation was different than the one almost 10 years ago - this was the real deal. And yet I had still been willing up to this point to work on our relationship. That our relationship had been that important to me.
He admitted he had "f-ed" up - that it was all him. That she had made no attempt to contact him since last Wednesday and that she had not initiated the text conversation nor had she responded to him saying "goodnight" to her on Saturday. He said that as much as he needed to begin believing I could trust him again and I could let this go, he hoped I would now believe him that there would be no further contact of any kind. I agreed to this - not just for him but for me as well. Every time I "snoop", spy or try to gather intel, it's like cutting myself with a knife. I bleed, I hurt, I ache. I'm tired of torturing myself like that.
I asked if he was ready to recommit to our relationship. He said he was not at that point but wanted to think some more on this. He asked me to let him stay. And here is where I maybe messed up. Though I never said "yes - you can stay", I didn't continue to show him the door. I told him I was not going to remain in a marriage where I was not loved and where my amazing ability to love was shunned so this was a time-limited situation. I explained that if he chose to leave, I would be ready and willing to enter into a relationship where I could love and be loved in return. That if he chose his ex, I would do anything and everything necessary to make sure our kids were not exposed to her filth.
On Sunday, he apologized once again stating that he was acting in a way that was not like himself - that I was worthy of respect and he was committed to giving me that.
So now he knows what I am capable of. But he also knows saying he is sorry goes a long way. Sigh. Thoughts??
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
I think the burden of proof is on him, so to speak. I see this very often in posts. The WS tries to make it appear that the issue is lack of trust from the LBS. Well, duh!
That's a little trick that apparently works pretty well, but it's wrong as sin. The LBS does not have to prove anything. You did not commit A in the M.....he did. He needs to realize he has to earn some of that trust from you. He's trying to put the monkey on your back. Don't play that game.
He doesn't get off so easy as that. He needs to walk a fine line to prove himself, don't you think? Yes, trust is a choice that you make, but when your trust is betrayed then the value of him having that precious trust again...just went up. He needs to value your trust instead of walking all over it and taking it for granted. Now, he's making it to be the problem....well, we know that's not it, right?
I think you might want to look at the trust issue as, "I'll trust you until you give me reason not to". See how long he'll respect that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
just bumping this up and hoping to get some insight from those who offered suggestions before and others...
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
On Sunday, he apologized once again stating that he was acting in a way that was not like himself - that I was worthy of respect and he was committed to giving me that.
Like Sandi said it's his job to see if you want this to work now. Don't be his fallback plan. Do you have a transparency plan? Has he sent a letter of no contact? What will it take for you to feel secure in your M now?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
