Very good point. Right now other than distancing myself and and not needing her I don't know what else I should do. Another thing that I've noticed that she has said to me is please don't get mad at me, or please don't hate me. This came after an Argument a few weeks ago in which I got angry about something financially that happened that she could have stopped if she would have just taken 5 seconds. I called, got angry, and told her that I was going to finish the divorce papers with my lawyer. She said ok as far as the papers. As soon as I got off the phone with her she sent me the text saying don't hate me please. She the fixed the problem within an hour and texted me several times about meeting later to talk. Of course that was the beginning of my 3 week slide b/c when she mentioned talking I jumped at the opportunity, but only ended up on the phone with her fo 40 mins whining. This was the time though that she mentioned some things like how I made her feel etc.
She apologises and asks you not to be mad because she knows she did wrong and you called her out on it.
That works, but do not get angry or mad. Keep it calm and cool.
When she talked about her feelings did you validate them?
Here is what was said on another thread.
Originally Posted By: Coach
...Plus women really want their husbands to fight for them not be docile or compliant with her feelings. She knows she's wrong and wants to her man to take a stand because she matters to him. Woman aren't attracted to men who will let a women run around and not take action. Rewarding or ignoring bad behavior gets you more bad behavior.
But wouldn't fighting for her be the opposite of acting like I've moved on, worrying about me, and all the things people keep telling menim doing right?
But wouldn't fighting for her be the opposite of acting like I've moved on, worrying about me, and all the things people keep telling menim doing right?
It's pursuing that gets you nowhere.
Moving on while standing up against CB calmly and resolutely is different.
It shows strenght and honor. You deserve to be treated with respect.
She apologizes because she sees that. It is attractive. So don't yell, blame or accuse.
But wouldn't fighting for her be the opposite of acting like I've moved on
I think I'm starting to get this. . .
No. It is the balance between making sure she knows you want her, but that she has to prove herself to YOU.
It is like a kid throwing a tantrum in a store over not buying him candy. You don't disown him, when he does this. He knows you love him, but he trys to control you with the tantrum. You firmly, but lovingly say no, and walk away. What happens? He'll cry even harder until he knows he isn't going to get what he thinks he wants. Than what happens? He comes running after you. Your firm but calm action put you back in control.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
But wouldn't fighting for her be the opposite of acting like I've moved on
I think I'm starting to get this. . .
No. It is the balance between making sure she knows you want her, but that she has to prove herself to YOU.
It is like a kid throwing a tantrum in a store over not buying him candy. You don't disown him, when he does this. He knows you love him, but he trys to control you with the tantrum. You firmly, but lovingly say no, and walk away. What happens? He'll cry even harder until he knows he isn't going to get what he thinks he wants. Than what happens? He comes running after you. Your firm but calm action put you back in control.
Why does this work and why is it important?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
When my W was full of CB, running around town drinking with younger men, neglecting our pets and family, I was fuming at home.
"Where you've been, how could you do this, you are bad irresponsible disrespectful person, etc, ect." got me nowhere.
The answer was "It's none of your business, I don't like you, we are not together anymore, blah, blah, blah."
So when things calmed down a bit and she got better because of my efforts to detach, I decided to reward the good behavior by telling her how much more pleasant she had become and how attractive that was to me.
I excpected to get "Whatever, I don't care what you think, etc."
But instead she suddenly wanted to do more. Some of the CB continued, so one day I said "You were doing so well for awhile, how can I help you to continue that trend?"
Not only that is stopped all the CB, I also received full transparency without ever asking for it. She offered me to read her e-mail, texts, recent calls. She wanted to prove me that she had stopped behaving badly.
Well other than that one issue she has completely gone above making sure she isn't leaving me financially stranded etc. There really aren't any issues that need to be fought over unless she makes an issue out of nothing.
Ok something else to bring up, she has said in the past that I don't need her, that I seem to do everything and she isn't needed. When she does something like today where she is going to put money into my checking account or something else, should I thank her for that or just act like I didn't notice it. I guess I feel like I'm walking a fine line b/t not pursuing, gal, etc. but I guess some of the other stuff we've been talking about seems more proactive. Thanks.
she has said in the past that I don't need her, that I seem to do everything and she isn't needed
what is she really telling you?
is this a partnership?
how do you think you handling "everything" makes her feel?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
