Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Near WAW with EA - almost textbook sich

Um . . . ok.

Settling into this....wow. So tough.

It is EXTREMELY difficult. Hard for me to go on each day knowing that there may be more to this and there is nothing I can do. Hard for me to put on a façade and NOT act the way I feel. W is very sensitive to any behaviors which could appear as controlling. In fact as I research this and listen to her, this is really a big core issue with her and is the primary reason she feels she needs to separate....to get away (unless the EA is continuing). She feels that I am not aware of many of the subtle things that I do.

I have done a lot of research and am working on this particular trait to better understand it. Asking her rather than telling. I found some resources out there that I am going to latch onto.

Any other resources?

DMB

DMB,

Unless YOU genuinely think that this has been an ongoing issue for you throughout your marriage, and/or there is a prior history of your wife sitting you down and conveying this complaint to you PRIOR to her recent walkaway/wayward behavior . . . do NOT put any stock in this. It's just typical wayward BS "script."

"You're too controlling" = "I don't like the way you don't allow me to conduct my affair, unencumbered and without consequences."

Puppy

From your very first post:





Doesn't sound like someone who was being smothered with "controlling" behavior to me.


Puppy

Puppy....as I have researched I see many behaviors of mine which became controlling but not is a "don't do that" and jealous kind of way. Negative comments, you need to agree with me, do it my way, why do you want to do that, as well as angry outburst related to stress. I see much of my behavior here. When this first came up she said she was wanting to tell me but afraid of how I would act. However....I do keep your word of caution close to the vest and will continue to consider all possibilities. I still do not trust her.

Since my last post I have acted as-if. It has been tough but she is acting friendly too but no further baby steps. Although I cannot go into another room or outside in the evening without her following me and just being there. We drove to XXXXX yesterday for the family vacation. 16 hours in the car. I tried to open myself up to deep conversation about a variety of topics w/out R talk. W likes to talk. That is another issue with her over the years that I am not a deep intimate talker. So my 180 is to push myself and engage rather than cut short.

Anyway....intel update....W has used the computer alone. No unusual activity, secret email accounts, etc. very clean sites visited. FB but just looked a friend sites and no concerning key logging. She has passed that test SO FAR. If she has a secret phone, it will be with us here in XXXXX. I have checked the luggage and all hiding areas. Nothing. Will stay vigilant.

I may post something on the infidelity site. Want to delve more into EA and withdrawl. This EA was very strong. This OM was the guy she was supposed to marry and he did abandon her without any reason. Has haunted her for years. Not making excuses but trying to fully understand what I am up against.

DMB

That all sounds very wise and prudent, DMB.

Puppy

Well...still here folks.

The past few weeks in brief...flew back from XXXX to home. Left W and kids at her sisters so they can continue vacation. They return home this Wednesday. She has been up there 11 days by herself. I still call to talk to her and the kids to see what they are up to because every day is a new adventure.

Problem is....I have caught W in a major lie. On Friday I called talked to my D and she says that "mommy just got home after meeting a friend". Well of course this is her hometown and there are lots of friends for her to meet. So I talk to W and she tells me she met friend from college. She proceeds to tell me all about the breakfast/lunch. Well guess what....W does not know it but we have been planning a surprise b-day party for her next month. She does not know that I have been in touch with a number of her friends INCLUDING this one. She also does not know that this friend innocently told me he has NOT seen W since she has been on visit. So....she is lying to me. That is one problem. Other problem is that old BF does live 90 minutes away. My guess is she met him.

I tried to press W the next day about her "breakfast" with old college friend. She kept the same story so I got a bit more aggressive without telling her what I know. W started to get mad at me and called me controlling and that is what is pushing her away.

Anyway, I sent W an email trying to drop hints about being open and honest and not lying. Did not tell her what I knew. She responds back that she has no idea what I am talking about. Do not want to corner her on phone while she is 1000 miles away. Better to talk in person. Plus I do not want her driving all the way back 1000 miles with my little kids in a pre-occupied mindset.

So there you have it. Trying to stay patient. Will want to bring this up in the joint MC session with counselor. Not alone with just W.

At least for once I know something and that gives me a weird sense of peace.

DMB

DMB,

If you are going to make your stand, then make it. Forcefully, and in person. "Dropping hints about lying" isn't the way to do it. You always want to be in "I know all about _______ " and "I have decided that ________" mode, not accusatory/controlling/needling mode.

Puppy

Well...it has been over 2 months since my last post.

In summary....

Last Joint session W ended with "as husband and wife we are through...but as friends and parents we are not". How did we get here???

Well...throughout the summer I made a lot of changes to myself and habits. W noticed them but has said she is happy for me....but she feels nothing. I have done pretty much everything except LRT and going dark. MC tells me these are her issues now and I need to let go. Problem is we get along great now....better than we have in a long time. I spent the summer with her and we went out....brought in new experiences....made a bunch of new friends....I showed my deeper side and engaged her...we drink wine out on the back porch nightly and just talk. Basically I am everything she would want and she admits it....she even told me she enjoys spending time with me……but says she still cannot find her feelings for me and therefore she wants to separate.....be on her own....less stressful than truly working on marriage....but wants to be good friends.

She has been soooo resolute about separating it is really not like her to stick with ANYTHING so strongly. After 5 months of MCing, she basically said in the last joint session "nothing has changed with her since first walking in the office in May". That was a shock to me because I thought we were in therapy to work on M....apparently she went to figure out how to get out and move on.

I think you folks get the picture. Basically our root problems came down to the Boundaries in Marriage. Reading that book has enlightened me. She had no boundaries and I trampled onto her emotions. She responded by increasing her lovingness and affections….I unfortunately got worse. Now that I have placed my boundaries in place on myself….she just wants to leave the relationship. Has not wanted to work on anything. Blames me for all of her non-successes, and sees leaving the marriage as a way to save her soul….find herself….rebuild her self esteem. Yet…..outside of any affection or touching….she acts like we are having the absolute best relationship.

Also....old BF does weigh in here. W says to me in mid-August that old BF was the man she was supposed to marry. Of course she starts crying and recounts how he abandoned her 23 years ago right after college graduation. In fact, she recounted the story to me again 2 weeks ago and still cries. She has told me multiple times over the months that she has feeling for him, but realizes that she cannot have a relationship because he is married with 3 kids. Look up the word Limerance here. She has not recanted that statement and Unfortunately I am in denial because I can see she has moved on emotionally….but I keep holding out hope. If she had the money she would be gone today although we still joke and laugh and talk. Cannot figure it out. Thought that my 180 of being the guy she always wanted….actually the one I always wanted before kids, stress, frustrations, anxiety, etc….would be all it takes. Apparently not.

MC says that I need to not be so accessible, and not let her have the cake and eat it too. MC says much of the same stuff I read here. Problem is ignoring and not being romantic and not engaging her in a fun way got us here….in addition to the Boundaries thing. Support friends say that I need to get mad. I am having trouble doing that. Anyway, at this point I am going to focus on the those 36 DB points. Tried early in the summer but thought that going back to the fun H would be the ticket. It was not.

I will keep you folks posted.

DMB

She pines for a man who dumped her and is out of reach. Guess your MC is right. You admit your approach isn't working. Hmm what shoud be your next move??????????