Not exactly sure what to make of this guys. Any thoughts
?
From what little I have read, if she's said that she will not living in an open marriage, and he really has broken off contact with OW, then what boundary is she enforcing?
That is the problem with catching these things later. A lot of the advice given applies more succintly to somebody who is unrepentent and has an ongoing affair.
You get into a gray area with situations where the affair has ended without a willingess to re-commit to trying to work on the marriage. It's a zombie-like limbo. Not good stuff. You're almost better off catching the thing early while there is no chance that your spouse might repent, asking them to leave, and then going into protection mode unless they re-appear and try to win you back and are all in. At least then the boundaries that need to be set and enforced are obvious.
Takes a lot more digging into the situation and a lot more nuance to ferret out which boundaries are lacking and require enforcement when one spouse isn't all in or willing to commit and just being nasty.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 10/15/1007:51 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
A zombie-like limbo. That is, in fact, exactly how I feel.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
A zombie-like limbo. That is, in fact, exactly how I feel.
Dr Suess calls it the Waiting Place.
Quote:
Oh! The Places You’ll Go! by the incomparable Dr. Seuss
Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights! You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t. Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you! Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains! So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yeah, I know. It's all about time and perspective in the end.
When he thinks of his life now, I bet it's all about the bills coming due, the things that need to be fixed, the past regrets, the next argument and so on and so on. Very much past negative, and the future is just a treadmill into more of the same.
The affair was new, exciting, and more importantly had him living in the moment and appreciating things right now.
Too bad--says the male ego--you can't just plop the Playboy Mansion down in the middle of Disney world and use the US Treasury as your personal cash supply. Alas....
You can't fix somebody else's perspective... try as you might. If you don't share their perspective, you might as well be speaking another language.
So... what can you do? Work on yourself, count your blessings, list the things you are grateful for daily, make reasonable plans for the near future, and enjoy all the little things in life. Life is really good when you are not focused on all of your problems all of the time. You're going to be just fine. You can handle things.
If he wants to leave, then it's probably for the best. It's OK. If he wants to stay, he can show enough respect not to go out of his way to rain on your parade when you are having a good time, and go have a good time for right now.
You deserve the respect your earn and accord others. Remember that because you are probably going to need to call him on CB sometimes, and you are not standing in his way or holding him back.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Thank you all for your input. Hearing what you are saying makes me wonder why the DB coach says I should let him stay in the house. The DB coach is definitely not saying this because it's assumed that is what I want to hear. As I mentioned earlier, intuitive for me = asking him to leave. Counter-intuitive=doing what I'm doing now.
Rob - thanks for posting another response. Perhaps I am quick to assume I'm being demeaned because that's what I'm letting H do to me. I totally get why you wrote what you did. I wish I could have you and Coach sitting on either shoulder whispering to me what to say to him when I decide to make my move. Again, it's hard for me to be cruel so I can't fathom using any page out of H's rulebook.
Don't be cruel, be kind.... to yourself, you deserve better, when you start believing this, when that level of self-esteem rises up to a point where it's around a foot above your head, that's when you will realize your value, your self-worth, that's when you will say "enough is enough! I deserve better, if he doesn't want me, well there's a 1000 other men that will and I like those odds very much!"
This is a bit of a stretch on my part to make this assumption but I think something happened in your relationship a while ago, somewhere your hubby found out that he could treat you badly and you would just take it and continue being there for him and he kept pushing past all your personal boundaries to the point where he stopped respecting you enough to be able to cheat on you and then have the guts to come back home and tell you he hasn't decided between you and the OW.
When you finally find that self-esteem, you will grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself, you will know that it’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self-esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self-esteem drops just a little bit and it signals others to continue treating you badly. Stop allowing this to happen, for you first & foremost and also to set an example for your children for when they're old enough to comprehend this subject and have learned from a good example (you) on how to stand up for themselves.
And know this.... I want you succeed, I don't want anyone's marriage to fail, but before that... I want people to treat each other better, I want respect to be commonplace, I want people to stand up for themselves and stop being afraid to stand up for themselves, and to speak up for themselves when they're being used, abused and treated poorly.
Find that voice of yours, speak up, be loud, no one can hear you until you start speaking up for yourself, don't expect others to do this for you if you won't even do it for yourself.
Even if I was there, standing next to you, and I confronted your husband, (and re-arranged his molecular structure) and told him everything I'm telling you, for it to be real it would have to come from you, because when I left, he would know that he would be dealing with you again and if it's the same old you, it will be the same old him taking advantage of you.
Something needs to change for this to stop, don't expect your husband to be the one that changes, you have to be that change and it can't be temporary.
I think you can do it, I have faith in your abilities, right now we're waiting for you to have faith in your own abilities before you can pull any of this off.
Dr. Seuss has never made me cry before. I've read this story to my kids so many times. I read it this time with such different eyes.
Thanks, Coach.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
And know this.... I want you succeed, I don't want anyone's marriage to fail, but before that... I want people to treat each other better, I want respect to be commonplace, I want people to stand up for themselves and stop being afraid to stand up for themselves, and to speak up for themselves when they're being used, abused and treated poorly.
The Pinhead Oath. Harumph. Secret Handshake.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You know, for me, if this were just any OW it might be easier for me. But it is his ex wife. There is history there. She hurt him, bad (left him for another man 20 some-odd years ago). And now she is giving him all he ever wanted. An apology, begging him to take her back, etc. It's unrequited love. It's power, for him. And because of their history, their situation, I'm less confident that once I let go, he will "wake up". I know in my heart and without ego that they won't work out. But still.
Yes, Rob, I have given him permission at times to disregard my feelings and my truth. I got the " I love you but..." speech about 6 months ago, but it's just the way he is choosing to make his move that is so cruel. Why not be a man and leave? Why not stay gone once you have left? Why not go and be with your supposed soul mate? What is he afraid of? Making a mistake?!
Keep working on me guys. I really appreciate it.
Last edited by barbsing1; 10/15/1008:56 PM.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
I'm less confident that once I let go, he will "wake up".
There is no way to predict...but look at OW. She dumped him and 20 years later he's still chasing her...think of it that way...
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I'm less confident that once I let go, he will "wake up".
He isn't asleep (well, I suppose we could have a debate about that if its meaning in more spiritual than factual). He was having an affair, and he's emotionally invested with his ex and the allure of a "new life" (or in this case, it's more like when they brought Coke Classic back).
His mistake was in being intimate with an ex (which is, incidentally, why classy, highly confident women will not tollerate you being friendly with your exes) instead of trying to improve the relationship he was in.
It's not up to you to fix this. You can't do it. You can only work on enjoying your own life and making the best of it.
He's the one who needs to step up if this is going to get to the stage where things can be fixed. It's up to him to make a move toward fixing things now, so you just protect yourself and have a good life without him until he decides to man up or you finally get sick of him playing the victim.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
