Over the past month or so I have avoided any relationship talk. We have both been individually to see a MC. My appointment was 2 weeks ago and my wife's was Tuesday. She has not talked to me about how her appointment went. I was out of town Tuesday night and got back in time to coach my son's football game last night. We did not speak this morning I walked out to go to work and did not say goodbye which is her usual tactic to hurt me. Then at work this morning I get this email from her: What do you want to do? I cannot live like I am anymore. I am ready to get on with my life.
What should I do? I have consulted an attorney and with her getting custody I am looking at paying her $800 a month in child support. She thinks she will get much more. Her getting custody is my worst case scenario. I will fight for joint physical in which case she will get nothing. I do not want to push her to an attorney because I think that will be the end of it. Thanks I am hurting big time.
Last edited by Troy999; 10/14/1004:17 PM.
Me:44 Wife:41 S11: D14 married 20 years bomb 7/25/2010 she filed 7/15/2011 headed for trial in early 2012
I am sorry that you find yourself here....the best place that you do not want to be at.
First off, if your wife is in MLC. This is a long process and so the first thing you will need to ask yourself is if you are up for the challenge of sticking this out.
Have you read the divorce remedy?
Cadet will be around shortly with some resources that YOU really have to read. It is important that you understand what you are dealing with. Right now, this is ABOUT your W and HER issues.
A couple of other points...
1) You cannot control another person BUT you can control YOU? 2) Patience is key 3) Think about what YOU want in YOUR life 4) Nothing you say right NOW will change her mind. 5) You must try and OUTLAST her crisis
Quote:
We did not speak this morning I walked out to go to work and did not say goodbye which is her usual tactic to hurt me.
Right now is a good time for you to remain silent.
Quote:
What do you want to do? I cannot live like I am anymore. I am ready to get on with my life.
So what do YOU want to do?
In terms of the email I would not respond. If she brings it up again, I would say that "I am not ready to discuss this right now" then....just listen to what she has to say.
Breath and stay calm.
Can you let me know where you feel you may have contributed to the break up of the M?
As for the legal aspect...
You need to figure out what YOU want. If you want to be divorced then keep bringing it up.
Oh as for the support perspective....
Are you more interested in 1) keeping money in your wallet 2) saving your M or 3) saving yourself and in turn maybe saving your M?
You may not see it now...BUT...you will be okay.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You are in a good place. Your W is on her own journey. You can not do anything to control this trip. Come here and read or vent, we will listen. Give your W space, she needs to heal himself.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Your need to start working on you. There is nothing that you can do to help your W.
She is giving you a gift. It is time!!
Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person. Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve. GAL.
Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for W. Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
Read the resources from this site.
You must detach and leave her alone. Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.
Coach was giving you some awesome advice, and he is one of the guys you come here originally looking for...still married.
Eric hit on a very key point, and we know that you are hurting right now, and want to make her hurt as much as you believe she is hurting you hence the money part.
But it is glaring.
$800 in support and or nothing... Since she is so tied to financial security from your first posts, you are wanting to hurt the hell out of her if this goes to court.
You know what? It might go to court. You might get the best advice in the world, do everything perfectly, and still end up going to court.
There are no guarentees here, there is no secret way to fix your marriage. 5 weeks? 6 weeks? Getting advice from a couple of guys who got divorced? What do you think they are going to say? They are going to give you advice that supports their choices.
You want to be married?
Absorb knowledge from the Divorce Busting books, and the people around this board who have a genuine desire to help you better yourself.
You want to figure out how you don't have to give her any money after the divorce, hurt her? Talk to some guys that gave up.
Your a football coach, you know what it takes to come from behind. Practice what you preach dig deep and this ain't going to be easy.
Use you anger as a shield not a sword.
Hopefully others will also come along.
I will HIGHLY recommend either posting here in MLC or in Newcomers.
The advice is different and will be conflicting, pick one place.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Eric, I have read the Divorce Remedy. When she initially told me she wanted the divorce she put all the blame on me, saying I was distant and not communicating with her over the past several years. I owned that. I am having financial difficulties and that is what caused me to internalize everything and shut her out. Since she told me I have begun to think that this is more about her having a mlc and thinking there is something better for her out there. I want to save the marriage. She has this idea that it will all be good if she can just get away from me, kids will be fine-she actually said that to me more than once. I don't want to get a divorce I just went to the attorney for my own peace of mind. She has not consulted one yet. Our last relationship talk about a month ago she said she would just serve me with papers and I have backed off since then. Trying to detach. She had a long talk with her Mother on Monday -the first time she has talked to her in depth since she dropped the bomb and then she went to the MC on Tuesday and now today I got the email. I am more interested in saving myself and the marriage. I just brought up the support $ figure because she seems to think she will be able to maintain her current standard of living if we get divorced. She makes under $25k a year at her current job but is interviewing for a better job that would get her closer to $40k.
Me:44 Wife:41 S11: D14 married 20 years bomb 7/25/2010 she filed 7/15/2011 headed for trial in early 2012
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I just brought up the support $ figure because she seems to think she will be able to maintain her current standard of living if we get divorced. She makes under $25k a year at her current job but is interviewing for a better job that would get her closer to $40k.
You should not be talking about legal stuff with your wife if either one of you is thinking about divorce, IMO. You should consult with an attorney (and my advice to her would be the same). I really believe getting all that "more reason to argue" crap out of the mix is neccessary, and in the event you are sued or do sue for divorce, what you have said now under more emotional circumstances isn't going to matter anyway most likely.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Good – then go read the section on Mid Life crisis. Then read it again and again..and again…
Quote:
When she initially told me she wanted the divorce she put all the blame on me, saying I was distant and not communicating with her over the past several years.
MLC 101 = YOU are to blame for everything.
Quote:
I owned that.
Owning and making
Quote:
TRUE
changes for YOU are not mutually exclusive.
Quote:
I am having financial difficulties and that is what caused me to internalize everything and shut her out.
Fine…personally, I think it is an excuse. BUT regardless, you said you changed – good. The bigger question is have you changed for YOU or FOR HER.
If it is for HER she will notice. IF it is for YOU…well you will get to a point that you don’t give a chit if she notices..cause really they are changes for YOU.
Quote:
Since she told me I have begun to think that this is more about her having a mlc and thinking there is something better for her out there.
Ayep….and with MLC…you better believe that SHE really believe this to be the case. Does what she do change WHAT YOU want to DO?
Quote:
I want to save the marriage.
Then stop talking about Divorce.
Quote:
She has this idea that it will all be good if she can just get away from me, kids will be fine-she actually said that to me more than once.
Once again…she believe this. So, how do you change that? You become the better option and trust me dude.. it takes more than a few weeks.
Quote:
I don't want to get a divorce I just went to the attorney for my own peace of mind.
Peace of mind is one thing..trying to save your as* OR as J3B pointed out trying to “make her pay” is another thing altogether. I have a funny feeling that deep down inside you were trying to save your financial as*, which although I understand is NOT conducive to DB’ing.
One thing to consider….a master cannot have two slaves. Money or your Soul, which may just get your W back. You choose.
Quote:
She has not consulted one yet.
Don’t fool yourself…she just may have. How will you deal with it if she has?
Quote:
Our last relationship talk about a month ago she said she would just serve me with papers and I have backed off since then.
Dude, if she has backed off then do me a favor and keep your F*cking mouth shut. A.k.a. STFU.
Quote:
Trying to detach.
“to try is to FAIL to DO is to succeed”
Quote:
She had a long talk with her Mother on Monday -the first time she has talked to her in depth since she dropped the bomb and then she went to the MC on Tuesday and now today I got the email.
Welcome to the MLC rollercoaster.. keep your mouth shut…..
oh…did I tell you to keep your mouth shut. That goes for “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “think about the kids”, “financially it make no sense”, “I’ve changed”…dude please keep your mouth shut for NOW.
Quote:
I am more interested in saving myself and the marriage.
Then strap yourself in dude…cause you are in for a ride. A ride that will scare you, will change YOU. How will it change YOU. YOU decide my friend, you decide. You will get what you put into it…and the “it” is YOU not your M.
Quote:
I just brought up the support $ figure because she seems to think she will be able to maintain her current standard of living if we get divorced.
Bullchit! You brought it up because you wanted to see if you could scare her into rethinking this. It will not work.
Quote:
She makes under $25k a year at her current job but is interviewing for a better job that would get her closer to $40k.
FTR, she may actually not look for the higher paying job. Why? chance are you may will fund it. That is unless you stop and keep your mouth shut…
Oh…did I mention to keep your mouth shut.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
