Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My 40 year old wife's MLC

Thx Jack. Typo....kinda goes hand in hand with my spelling capabilities

BTW, I've always meant to ask...what do the three "beans" signify? Just messin with ya.

In case you didn't get Eric's message, ^^^^^^^^ this is the most important TACTIC you can learn!!!!

Heh, why? A "Master" cannot have even one slave; it's illegal just about everywhere nowdays

I'll repeat it a third time. You say nothing. Work on yourself. If she wants to talk about stuff, let her. Let HER talk. You listen. And you STILL say very little back. Trust me, she won't notice. If YOU want to talk about stuff, find a way not to. That is what these boards are for. Live your life for yourself and keep it to yourself. That is what YOU need right now. I'm sorry you find yourself here but this is the best worst place to be.

Got it!

Ask yourself Troy, what does a woman want from a husband?

She wants a protector.
She wants a provider.
She wants a friend.
She wants a nurturing father for their children.
She wants a lover.
She wants affection and romance.
She wants an equal partner.
She wants someone who shares all and with whom she can share all.
She wants a man that she is proud of.



I'm sure there are other thoughts, these are the first that come to mind for me.


At some point in your relationship, you brought many if not all of these things to the table. That was the foundation of her falling in love with you.


Your consistency in being all of these things gave her the confidence to enter into marriage with you and to choose to spend her life with you.


So what changed?


Your business, yes.
Your finances, yes.
The pressures of kids and their schedules, yes.


But what changed in YOU?

Which ones of those things above did you STOP being for your wife? Which parts of her lifetime husband did she slowly but surely begin to LOSE?


Don't misunderstand me. I am not trying to pin the blame of your marital woes solely on you.

I want you to understand what has happened in your wife's life that has brought her to the point that she no longer feels SAFE in sharing her life with you.


And I especially want you to THINK, long and hard, as you make each future decision and step. Because you can be SURE that your wife continues to weigh your words and actions against the man that she was promised when the two of you were married.

Did you think of yourself first when you were courting?

Was your future more important than hers when you were dating?

Did you have the desire to punish her for her mistakes when you were engaged?


This marital crisis is an opportunity for you to realize how far you have strayed from the man that you once were. It's a chance for you to look honestly at yourself and acknowledge that you have allowed life to turn you into a man you never planned to be.


Regardless of the final outcome, being able to FIX what has become slack in you is important to your future.

The fact that a return to consistency in being that man she fell in love with might actually appeal to her is simply an added bonus.


Get off the panic train. Calm yourself down. Look inside yourself and be honest. Reclaim who you are.


Blessings,

Bill

Troy99

Hey buddy how are your today?

If I did not mention it the STFU…does not apply to people on the boards – only to your W. 

First off, I want to read Browls post to you….say 5 times and then read it again.

Troy, you sound a lot like me my friend. A lot. Your broken and scared right now, which is understandable. Accept the fact that you feel the way that you do. Once you can accept it, you HOPEFULLY will understand that right now, emotionally you are not at a place where you can make SOUND and RATIONAL decisions. Right now you will operate on pure fear and anger, which does YOU and YOUR family no good.

Oh, FTR, I tend to be long winded so I apologize for the long post.

Secondly, I want to explain to you why I will continue to tell you to keep your f*cking mouth shut. You see, you and I made quite a few mistakes in our M’s and honestly dude, nothing that we say is going to change our W’s minds. Nothing! We already did that for several years. Think about it for a sec, if your M was anything like mine, then you have historically promised to change this or change that and for reason that YOU will come to understand if you look inside and if you allow yourself to, we never lived up to those promises.

As a result of this our W’s have written us off. They do not believe us. They also are in a crisis. A crisis of “self”. So when I or anyone else tells you to keep your mouth shut it is because we have all made the same mistake of believing that we can TALK OUR WAY OUT OF SOMETHING WE ACTED OUR WAY INTO.

Hence, pour yourself a long glass of STFU.

Ok, I read your original post and here is what I see.



I am sorry to say to you – that this IS HOW she FEELS right now. Right now, in her mind SHE IS DONE. Period. WHY? IMO, because really YOU did not listen to her when by YOU own admission she told you to get help with the depression AND YOU decided not to. You may have reason but YOU did not listen. Period.


Did you ask her about it? I mean really? I suspect that what YOU probably DID was “convince” her that it was a good idea. She probably went along with it. Your fault? NO – she did not have to agree BUT she did. Do you know what that tells me? That she tried to give you want YOU wanted. That to me, sounds like “understanding”. So…can you be understanding now? Oh…and before you tell me you are…Can you understand AND RESPECT her choice right now to end the M? I am not saying agree – what I am saying is RESPECT IT. Cause by respecting it YOU are respecting HER.


She probably got the job to help out AND probably she started to realize that BOTH of YOU lost YOURSELVES in the M. So she decided to do something about it. Now, you must decided what YOU will do about it. I am NOT saying go run and file for a D, nor am I saying agree with her and push the D. NO – what I am saying is NOW is the time for YOU to find that MAN that she feel in love with. The man that won her heart. How do you do that? You look inside yourself. You give her space and as much of it as she needs AND….you begin to live your life the way YOU really want to.


Could be MLC spew, could be some truth to it. Either way, did you do YOUR best? Did you think about what she needed? Did you think about what was in the best interest of YOUR family OR were you just a tad bit selfish? Troy, I have said this often, you can feel free to go tell me to fu*k myself and run OR you can really be honest with yourself. What you might find will hurt…BUT from this pain will emerge something bigger than your M, bigger than YOUR W. What will emerge is the REAL YOU!


Another reason why you lost yourselves. Okay, so you acknowledged it. Great. Now is good time to sit back and rather than reflect on everything that went wrong, reflect on what YOU want in YOUR life. Oh, and don’t tell me I want my M back. I get that and believe it or NOT so does she. So how do you put yourself in a position to maybe get YOUR M back…..You become the best man you can be.


This is her enforcing HER boundary. It is her way of telling you that she is done. The sooner that you understand that this is REALLY about HER the sooner you can begin to MAKE THIS about YOU.


My W did the same thing dude. We have just started to speak….after about 6 months of almost not saying a word to each other AND FTR, we still live in the same house together. This is a long process Troy. Very long. Ya think you got what it takes?


Don’t bother. Actions brother…actions….


Actions NOT words…


Honestly dude….you will probably not understand this right now…but I am here to tell you that YOU should stop trying to SAVE your M. Let it go. Save yourself FIRST – then go and try to let your ACTIONS win this woman back.

Troy, the more you speak to her about your changes (and no matter how many times I tell you not to…ya gonna probably do it anyway) albeit directly or indirectly YOU are NOT respecting HER wishes.

In her mind, she does not believe YOU can change.

So I keep mentioning actions….what actions do I speak of?





These ^^^^^ are probably not the actions that she is looking for. The last one with the kids..yeah maybe…BUT trust me, being the father that YOU were suppose to be is probably not enough to change her mind. Know what, the only person that can change HER mind is HER. NOT YOU.

What actions can you do now?

- Leave her alone – aka DETACH
- Go live your life – aka GAL
- STFU – aka DETACH
-Work on you – this is the hard part BUDDY….it requires that you die! Dies to self, die to pride, die to ego, once dead YOU will rise a new man BUT first bro, you must die. Sorry to say.
- Understand the chit that is going on in her head – aka read the resources.

Okay, so now you feel like all hope is lost. It is not.

Do you remember when you two fell in love
Do you remember when you would just listen to her
Do you remember that courting period

Okay so now you’re really confused…

Well all of that can come back when and IF she decided to allow it. Your job

Be the man that you always wanted to be

Fix the chit about you that you need to fix for YOU and for YOU only.

God Bless,
Eric

Bill and Eric,
Thanks for the feedback. After reading what was said on this thread yesterday I had a good honest talk with myself about this situation. Its easy to say that my wife has lost her mind. Its hard to say I f'd this marriage up. I know my actions led me to where I am. No I never cheated on her, I just did not treat her the way she needed to be treated and I hope one day I can get another shot. I was a great protector and providor and a great father but I fell woefully short on the romance part and the treating her as an equal partner part. I started my own company 5 years ago with her blessing. I wish she had talked me out of it and I think I have been wollowing in my own self pity through the last two years and that is what drove her away. I find myself today energized about my business. I spent the morning meeting with a new company that will no doubt bring me great opportunities in 2011. My plan is to throw myself into my job and my kids. I was already there with my kids but no so much with my job. I have developed a defeatist attitude over the past several years and it makes me look very unatractive to my wife.

Eric,
I did keep my mouth shut last night at home. Talked about son's football game and my daughter's dance class. She does point and hurt her ankle last night. I went to the drug store and bought her some bandages and wrapped the ankle in ice while she did her homework.

I don't desire to punish my wife ever. I feel sorry for her that she in the depths of a MLC. Her mother, father, brother and his wife have all told her so point blank. To those close to use we have some very big issues to work on in our marriage but not enough for her to walk away from it. The fact that she does not even want to try hurt me initially but now with some perspective I realize exactly why she does not want to try. The thing I struggle with is that by detaching and keeping my mouth shut I wonder how she will ever see the changes I have made. I know after reading this thread and the wonderful feedback that I have to make the changes and be energized by them. Its the hardest thing I have ever been though. Before we had kids-after we had been married for 4 years my wife contracted Encephalitis and almost died. She spent 4 weeks in the ICU and before she dropped the bomb this summer that was the toughest time I had ever been through. She pulled through and after about 6 months of rehab she regained a normal life.

I am up to the task and know it will take a long time. I feel like I have a game plan to follow and for that I am most grateful. Its got to start with my attitude and today I feel great. Thanks.

You don't SEE words.

You see ACTIONS.

And you know which one speaks more loudly.

I imagine you've already told your wife MANY, MANY times how much you love her and how much you want to make the marriage work.

To her those words are like the sound of Charlie Brown's teacher in those old TV cartoons....wa-waa-wa-wa-waa-wa-wa-wa...

How long have your ACTIONS not matched up to your WORDS?


Time to even up the ledger...


Blessings,

Bill

Troy,

I'm far from through with my H ordeal, but my H has recently been opening up to me about his MLC thoughts. You can find his emails that I've posted on my thread. They have been very illuminating. He SAW my changes by my actions. He SAW me going out and GAL. He SAW my interaction with D and others change. I often thought he was oblivious to the whole thing. He wasn't. He told me just today that he started finding it very enjoyable to be around me which made him find reasons to NOT be around me because it made it that much more confusing. (MLC=confusion) Don't talk. DO. And most importantly, do it for YOU, or else your still being reactionary. DO because it YOU want to be better.