Pun...wanna see some really anger...go check out some of my old posts.
I agree with Cat - your really still angry.
And hey, it's okay to be angry Punkin. Really it is. Don't take the "your angry" comments the wrong way.
I hid my anger for a long time. Chit I even hid it from myself. I lied to myself many times, I lied to everyone else many times. My standard response was "i'm fine - I'm not angry"..."i'm standing".
It was bullchit. I was pissed the fu*k off and ya know what I had every fuc*ing right to be angry.
I was soooo angry at her.
Then I realized just how angry I was in general. When I began to see it, when I began to dig....I realized just how angry I was.
That anger was directed at my W for a long time. It was passive aggressive, it was disrespectful, it was many things...what it was not was...
Love.
It was not.
Compassion
It was Anger
It was PRIDE
It was Pain.
Punkin, at some point you will need to deal with this anger or you will bring this forward in your next R - be that with your H or with someone else.
Oh, btw, that anger will make YOU do things that you will regret later. Will make you do things that will Hurt you - yeah they may not hurt now but they will hurt later.
Your a spunky, strong woman Punkin - don't mask the anger and pain with this strength. True strength comes from being able to admit it. True strength comes from being able to break down, cry, scream, and release the anger...so that....
YOU can heal.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
To the best of my knowledge, he suffered no childhood trauma, just the trauma suffered in Iraq. Help is out there. He has no excuse for not getting it. He is just far to prideful and narcisistic to accept help.
------And this is the arrow------>
he shoots into your heart everyday.
He doesn't have an excuse in your mind or maybe anybody elses who can stand outside and look objectively at him.
He is engaging in self destructive behavior.
Do you know his demons?
Have you met them?
You may think you know what he is going through
I shared my feelings and story about my wife because I see where you are and I was in the same place.
There is help for my W too.
Until she realizes that the answer does not lie outside of herself but from within then she may continue to blame everyone else for her unhappiness, continue to self destruct...
It is painful to watch
and
It made me ANGRY.
I tmade me angry until I decided that I had to let go and let GOD.
It is not that she doesn't love ME enough. It is that she doesn't love herself enough to make that choice right now.
How would you want to be loved?
When you are sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch?
Sh!t that is easy....
What if your life is a bad dream you can't wake up from and you just need someone there but you don't even know you need them or want them there because your in a bad dream.
But when you wake up
The person who said they would love you always was there.
There is a lot of time between now and then Punkin. You can't watch him have his nightmare...
You will burn out and be resentful.ANGRY.
This thing will make you explore a different meaining to love. a deeper meaning if you will.
It becomes not what is returned from your H to you. But what you decide to give
For you and you only. With no expectation of its return.
And that has to come from inside you.
That will calm your anger. That is the only thing I CAN promise you here Punkin.
THAT kind of love has the power to heal.
YOU and your family.
That kind of love works miracles.
He may never wake up. Your M may never be saved.
But you and your family can be by what you decide.
My two questions are related as you can see maybe?
What does love mean to you?
Why are you standing?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I see my last post illicited some various views and opinions. I respect them all. But for the life of me, I don't feel angry. I do feel frustrated and need to rant occasionally, and ya'll are always here for me. As I see it right now, I just want it over and done with. I'm not fighting. Come November 17th, I'm signing the papers.
Ladies, that is not simply the Hollywood version of love. H & I had that. All the time. Think the same things at the same times, finish each other's sentences. Think of each other and the phone would ring and it would be him, etc. ad nauseum.
Grit you are exactly right about the shot through the heart where his destructive behavior has led him. I can't understand it, and, as all have said, it's his problem, not mine. I can't fix him.
We will always have certain things in common; our kids, our grands, and perhaps they will make peace with him some day. I don't know. I wasn't part of their decision about him, nor his decision where they are concerned.
Right now, the only thing I'm protecting and building a life for is me. If that means I'm not standing, I guess I'm not. It doesn't mean I wouldn't put him out if he was on fire. I'd put him out, call the ambulance, ride with him to the hospital, and wait until he was better. But those are things I'd do for anybody I knew.
He wants a divorce. The only thing that will stop it now, is him.
I thought I did too - until I looked inside of myself and was brutally honest with myself. Maybe you are being honest and this is what you really want. IMO (and opinions are like as*holes, everybodies got one), your not done. IMO, you are starting to feel good and live your life BUT your really not done. Maybe someone has "peaked" your interest and you feel that life really does not look that bad. That sista, is not a reason to be done.
Quote:
I'm signing the papers
Okay....sign'em. As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that YOU did everything you could. And FTR, you don't have to answer this for me or anyone else on these boards - only to yourself.
Quote:
I'm not standing
F*ck standing what about healing? Healing takes time.
Quote:
I can't fix him
BUT you can fix YOU. That is unless you feel that there is nothing wrong with you.
Since I have been here Punkin...I have seen you angry
Then all of sudden, your fine with this. You have accepted it and you are ready to move on or just not fight. I think it's bullchit.
Have you had dinner with that friend that was interested in you?
FTR, I like you punkin. I really do. Chit If I ever head out to your neck of woods..i can see if having a beer and getting into a bar fight. I want the best for you Punkin....so please look inside yourself.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?
Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!
Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.
Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.
Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.
Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.
Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.
Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.
Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.
Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.
Punkin.....
Like the MLCer, the LBS moves through the stages in different phases...
And they do not run in order. They will bounce around, back and forth.
Maybe you aren't angry right now....
It will come around again, and it is something you WILL have to deal with for you to move forward with you.
Okay, acknowledging that my absense of anger at present may be just a passing phase. Acknowleding that Eric is right and having some positive reaction/reinforcement of my ego by other men does make me feel there is life after H. Feeling that my life at this time is totally about me, the kids and the grands.
Acknowledging that he doesn't know what he wants right now, but he sure doesn't think he wants me. He is pushing the divorce, not me. I can fight it, at great legal and emotional expense, or I can Let Him Go.
I don't feel I am living for a call or message from him. I'm actually looking forward to the court date. There is some satisfaction in the knowledge that he will find out soon enough that his problem still exists, and it had nothing to do with me.
Hasn't that been what DB'ng is about: Letting Go, Making my own Life, and detaching from H? Six months ago I wouldn't even go to the town where he lives, in fear of running into him or her, and it's a large town. Now: so what?
We are told often enough that we have no control over the actions of our MLC'rs, only ourselves. I feel very good about me. Moving on is his decision.
P.S. Eric, you haven't lived until you've sat on a wood stump with a cushion tied to it in an Oklahoma bar ( right across the line) Just let me know and I'll make us 'reservations'.
Okay, acknowledging that my absense of anger at present may be just a passing phase. Acknowleding that Eric is right and having some positive reaction/reinforcement of my ego by other men does make me feel there is life after H. Feeling that my life at this time is totally about me, the kids and the grands.
Acknowledging that he doesn't know what he wants right now, but he sure doesn't think he wants me. He is pushing the divorce, not me. I can fight it, at great legal and emotional expense, or I can Let Him Go.
Punkin,
Acknowledging all of these things is very good.
DB is not simply about "letting go". DBing is honestly and truly about healing.
We can let go and still feel the negative feelings. In fact, that is really how most people "let go". With anger, frustration, and eventually regret.
No one is saying that you haven't made steps since you came here...
You have, but you can't stop now. At least, you shouldn't...
Not for your H, but for you Punkin...
Living with the anger, just underneath the surface, will eventually effect you. You could end up finding yourself having a short fuse with the grands and others. Or just end up being very depressed...
DBing is not just about a 180 or GAL. It honestly and truly is about healing.
And it is something that is a useful tool for us to carry for the rest of our lives.
Have you let go? If you are still getting frustrated by the contact, then not as much as you think.
I see you saying you aren't angry for you, but angry for the kids and grands. Are you projecting?
Several months ago, for a very brief time, I forgot all that I know about DB. Something happened, that made me very angry. However, I denied it. I said, "Oh no, I understand. It is ok."
It bubbled just underneath the surface for about a day and a half. I cried at the drop of a hat, didn't sleep well, and refused to acknowledge it. And then, I was told, "justifiable anger should be acknowledged and directed at the correct target."
Well that was all it took for me to feel it. To realize and remember that it is OK to be angry. It is HEALTHY to feel the feelings, good and bad, and it is NECESSARY. If I hadn't, I would still be denying that something had happened and that to ME it was a big deal. I wouldn't have dealt with it, and it would continue to be affecting the R it involved.
Instead, I dealt with it. It does not and will not have any bearing in the future.
Punkin, you may not feel it right now and that is ok. But we all SEE it. We will be here when you decide to let it out.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you Cat04 and everyone that has been following my thread. I reply to many threads, but I actually read many more than I reply to. I accept that the marriage that I had is dead. There is no going back. I accept that the man I loved for so many years is MIA, and may never return. I may have anger bubbling just underneath the surface, but I feel much more sorrow than any other emotion.
I can not, and will not, accept waiting complacently while he 'lives his life' that appears to make him happy, despite the sighting of hurt and pain I occasionally see. He chose this path to follow. I have to choose mine.
If I called him on the phone right now and said "Honey, I love you, come home." What would he say? It's not a question that matters to me anymore. I have to move on. Perhaps our lives will cross again, but unless he has sought help for his problems, there would be no point other than to say hello to an old friend.
I respect and admire all of my friends here on the Board. I'm not leaving. I'm just taking a step away from my sitch. A necessary one for my peace of mind.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Hi Punkin....despite of all of the wonderful support and invaluable advice that we get from our friends here, time away once in a while is good thing....it's time for reflection....take care of yourself.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
