Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Sometimes I start arguments...

I have a confession to make....

Sometimes I start arguments on purpose.

Ugh. Why do I do this? I know I'm supposed to just smile and nod but sometimes its soooo hard! I noticed I tend to do this when he is with, or going out with, his friend (AKA the OW - I believe to be an EA). My heart breaks when I know he's going to be with her. Last night he came home, shaved and showered and stated he was going to have Thanksgiving dinner with her family, yet I had to pull teeth to get him to have dinner with my family Sunday. I sent him a text telling him he needs to stop using me as his comfort zone and I will not be here for him anymore and I was sorry I was unable to be the happy upbeat wife he wanted due to his affairs (this is the 2nd EA he has had within our marriage). He still denies any attachemnt to this girl and claims he just feels sorry for her because she has no friends (maybe because she has no problem running around with married men). Yet when he's not with her he's texting her or instant messaging her. As I've stated in a previous thread, I believe its one sided as I don't believe she has any interest in him.

He says he can't live with my jealousy, but I think when parents and friends are also telling him his "friendship" is inappropriate, I have reason to be upset. He just backlashes at everyone saying what he does in his time is his business and we have no right to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. He honestly doesn't care if he loses his friends and family over this.

Also, I think I start arguments because its easier to let him go if I'm mad at him. I find it easier to stand my ground and not let him walk all over me. But then I see him or regret starting anything and just want to be with him.

Because of our argument he stayed at her place last night, so I know this just pushes him to her but I can't stop myself, I do it everytime.

Does anyone else start arguments on purpose? Why do I do this and what the heck can I do to stop?

Tell him you won't live in an open marriage. Don't let him use your house to get ready for activities with his OW. He's cake eating big time, and your putting the slices on his plate. Stand up for yourself.

And the arguments? You're trying to get a reaction, any reaction. It's passive aggressive; you want some sort of attention from him, and arguing is the easiest way to get it. But it's not going to work the way you think.

J, Your H is having a affair, he is sleeping with this woman, he is walking all over you and you are making excuses for your H.

Do you like living like this?

Do you think this is attractive?

Do you want things to get better?

The arguments will stop when you stand up for yourself and stop begging for crumbs.

You're right about wanting the attention. Sometimes I think this is why I do it when he's with her, to take his attention away from her. I have also discovered that sometimes he shares these "private" texts with her and they mock me behind my back.

Exactly. I think you argue because you are deeply hurt and frustrated.

Put a stop to this. He got ready at your house beore going to Thanksgiving holiday dinner with HER???! You know how messed up that is? It's disgusting. And he was a pain about having dinner with your own family?

How long do you want to live like this? You are basically telling him it's fine that he runs off to her because you continue to accept and tolerate it.

I didn't know that he was going to dinner with her until he was about to leave and I asked him why he shaved and if he was going somewhere. Normally he doesn't care if he's a little scruffy, so I knew he was up to something.

I told him last night, in the midst of our texts, that he can pick his stuff up today and be gone. Though of course now I feel horrible for it as he lost his job at the end of summer and literally has no money as he doesn't qualify for benefits. Knowing that he will more than likely stay with her kills me.

I also told him to leave his key. When we seperated last year I asked him for his house key back and he got really upset, said I was making him feel unwelcome, HELLO? He left me!

I think he wants to experience life without me but doesn't want to lose his comfort zone. He has this thought in his head that he'll be able to see our kids whenever he wants and we will remain friends and have outings together with our new bf/gf and go to each others weddings (he has actually said this before). Not only does he have grass is greener syndrome, he has head in the clouds syndrome too!

Don't enable him.

Yes. This is exactly what he wants. So how do you feel about that? Did he respond to your message about coming to get his things?

You deserve 100% in a relationship, not the leftover affection of a man who is actively involved with a OW.

Sometimes I think I also push him away to see if I can bring him back in. Everytime we get close again and things are going good I push him away. Than I feel bad and reel him back in. Like it gives me some sort of gratification or something. At the same time, it's when things are going good that he wants out, like it scares him because he doesn't want himself to want this life.

Sigh. This sucks! Why can't I just let him go. I know he'll realize how good he's got it here. But theres a big part of me thats scared he'll enjoy life without me. I guess thats something I'll just have to live with.

He agreed that he would pick his stuff up today.

You CAN let him go. The question is, are you READY to let him go?

In the Surviving the Big D thread someone has a quote that says "let go or be dragged." Think about it. Do you want to be dragged?

I know you love him but he is showing you that he can't give you 100% over and over again.

Don't sell yourself short--if he wants to have this other life, give it to him 100% Don't argue with him. Just tell him you don't agree with him but you won't FOR YOURSELF allow yourself to be in a relationship that has a 3rd party. Respect yourself.