Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW Pushing For Split -- Is All Hope Lost?

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My trials have been pretty well documented. I thought it was time to rename my thread and continute with DB because it seems my situation has entered a new phase.

WAW has been promoting mediation. I sought legal advice, spoke to a mediator myself, and told my W I would be willing to go through the process for her. I said that every cell in my body is against it. We have two twin boys (age 2 1/2).

Today is our consult. Like a fool I have not detatched as much as I know I should. There are nights I come home from work and my W looks completely defeated and overwhelmed by the kids. Just the other night she was stressed out, complaining, etc. I told her to go out. Go anywhere. She didn't have the motivation. So I took the kids out myself just to give her some peace. This, while we have an appointment to interview a mediator. How is she going to do this alone? She can barely survive WITH the aid of mother's helpers all day long.

She treats me like her H, she asks for help, she tells me the things around the house that need fixing, and she instigates dinners together. She's doing this while pushing for mediation.

I can't figure out how she can behave this way, yet still want to destroy her M and family? I keep the peace. I try to keep her happy in some pathetic way that makes me feel like I am helping our situation and she will see how good I am for her. I know deep down that it's really not working. I am just softening reality for her and making this too easy. When I am gone she's going to be seriously challenged. I can't see her keeping her sanity. And my kids don't need to be a stressed out mother all the time. She doesn't value our family. She doesn't see how things can be patched up. Her reasons for D are vague: "We're two different people," "We never really had a real marriage," "You put yourself before the family," "You only care about yourself," "We're just friends." All of that stuff. But she was able to have kids with me only two years ago.

Totally confused.

So stop softening reality for her.
If you know what you are doing isn't working, do something else!
Detach but remain polite. She wants out so start acting like it's already done. Do some 180s and GAL.

My challenge has always been: How do you detatch and yet stay close to your kids?

Many times as I noticed with my XW, thier behavior is illogical. You have to understand that much of what they do is to protect thier egos. It's very difficult for them to see themselves how they trully are knowing they are being judged. They have great trouble looking at themselves in the mirror and being honest about what they have become, so they act as if they are the spouse when in that situation.

No one, not even my on XW could beleive that she had become a liar, adulteress and criminal. Anyone who knew these secrets, including me were left behind.

Well put. You need to realize this and then you won't be confused any longer. Most WAS do not act rationale a majority of the time.


Many of us have felt/thought this exact same way, me included. You know it doesn't work, but you keep on trying...because it is hard and because you don't want your kids to suffer and probably, because you are afraid. You have to find the strength yourself to let go of the fear.


Yep...WAS script. They want the grass to be greener on the other side but they don't really know if it will be or not...thus why you so often read about the benefits of letting go, dropping the rope, setting them free.

I have not read up on your sitch, but either way, you have to decide when you've had enough of this confusing pattern and when you are willing and able to try something different.

I hope for nothing but the best and to answer the title of the thread, no I don't believe all hope is lost. Pushing for split doens't mean the end...it might just mean the beginning of what you have been seeking this entire time.

Again, don't confuse detaching with disengaging. Detaching is maintaining a healthy emotional relationship:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Had our first mediation consultation today:

Did a lot of listening as the two mediators were explaining how it all works and the things we would have to talk about and sort out.

Highlights:
When asked what brought us to mediation my reply was, "I don't want to be here at all. This feels awkward. I am only here because I love my wife and I am doing this for her."
When they asked about when our problems started my wife said, "They blew up in February. He was great for the first two months of the kids' life, but then he wasn't stepping up to the plate anymore. Even when he was home he wasn't spending much time with the kids. I felt like I had to shoulder the burdeon of our marriage and dealing with two kids. I couldn't take it anymore. But he has changed a lot as a person from the person that I wanted to divorce back in February. He wants to be with the kids all the time now."
I told her that she has been my best friend for 12 years.

We did a lot of listening and a few times the mediators looked and me and said, "You look like your mind is being flooded." I said, "No, I am just imagining a life of schedules, pick ups, drop offs, agreeing, disagreeing, who gets them when, when will they be back. It's insane. Why would anyone want to add that mess to an already challenging lifestyle. When does life become about living??"

The message was clear that this is not what I want. And it was nice to hear her recognize how much I have changed. I will be setting up a second consult with a mediator of my choosing. The ones I met today were a little too lawyerly, not terribly compassionate as some I've read about on these boards.

But, hashing out your life with mediators is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You have to discuss every single minute detail of your life, finances, etc. A huge waste of time. I would much rather be doing things that actually help bring our family closer, not slowly ripping it apart.

Geez, not what I figured mediation would be like at all. I'm thinking that when things get that far for me, I'd rather my W and I just sit down together and make all the decisions and have a lawyer do all the necessary paperwork. We get a long well enough so far that we could do that.

When there are kids, there are far too many details and situations to hash out, from financial, school, family, holidays, snow days, vacations, etc. It seems like the most time-consuming process for what? I wish she would dedicate this kind of energy and attention to details about things that matter.

I guess the background questions about when trouble started seemed odd. I would have expected them to just ask questions about what you want now, what you can both agree upon, and then work on the spots where you have differing desires.