Well, Abq... I agree more with you. You should verify the things you can verify, but you are totally right, if he wants to communicate with her, he will. If your instincts start to twitch, then you'll have to decide how for to go to find out.
I think there is a balance to be struck. He should be willing to be transparent, but at the same time you can't act paranoid. I think the earning of trust is a two way street, and a process. Obviously, the more trust he earns, the more you can trust him. But I think it works a bit the other way as well.
The OW will definitely be an issue for me to monitor. A funny/not-so-funny thing happened today while D was opening her birthday presents. H was sitting on the couch next to her and had his phone. He got a text and responded. D continued opening her presents. H put his phone back on the couch. Another text came in. D looks at the phone and just blurts out "Why are you texting "OW name"!" H became slightly defensive and said that he wasn't. But why would D say the name anyhow. She doesn't know her. Just earlier today H discussed OW issue with me briefly and it was made clear that I knew who she was. So when D blurted out her name, he knows I know who was texting. This is not surprising though since he has not stated that the OW is gone. So I continue to watch and observe. I think hearing his own D state his girlfriends name was a bit much for him, hence the lies.
In thinking about his recent email to me, I thought I'd point out another few things that I think may help some of those that are new to the boards. Some key phrases that he used.
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
The girlfriend thing is rapidly becoming a non-issue. I'll let you know when it's fully a non-issue. That was one of those things that was an attempt, like moving out and trying to change things at work, to address my underlying unhappiness and frustration. Guess what? Still frustrated and unhappy.
It's so easy for us LBS to dwell on the jealousy, hurt, and anger involved with the OW or OM. The key thing to always remember is that the OW/OM is a symptom. They are using them to escape their MLC. They are looking to them as a cure. The MLCer is fundamentally unwell. Anyone willing to engage in a relationship with the MLCer must also be fundamentally unwell. This is not something to covet. It is sad. Despite outward appearances, it does not help them. Try not to keep hate for the OW/OM in your heart. It will only end up eating YOU up instead.
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
I don't feel like you're forcing anything. In fact, your calm patience has been the killing blow for me. If you had just simply screamed and yelled and threw things, or been a bitch about interacting with D, we would be on very separate roads right now. You did exactly the right thing at the right time.
Patience is of the utmost importance. Not to win your spouse back, but for yourself. Here again, it can be so easy to give into unhealthy emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling hurt and pain and anguish. We all do. But we must remember that the MLCer (as crappy as their actions are) is a sick individual. It does not excuse their actions and it does not make their actions any less harmful. But lashing out in response does nothing to help the situation. Learning to rise above the anger and pain is key. Not only to not driving away the MLCer, but also in ensuring your own peace and harmony within your life. Yes, this is easier said than done but it is so important.
Just a few of my thoughts as I continue to analyze the events of the last few weeks. I know my H still needs a lot of work, but I've found a lot of his statements to be very revealing from the MLC perspective. I hope it can help others going through the same issues.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
So much I want to say to both of you ... it's coming ... I'm swamped at work but wanted to let you know that I'm following and want to offer my perspective ...
Been there, done that, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Alb, I enjoy reading your posts and it sure is a breath a fresh air
to see how things are going. Thank you for sharing so much.
I see your time frame from bomb drop and am amazed at the speed
this seems to be going for you and your H. It makes me put up a
caution flag in my head especially when I read this:
[/quote
[i]The girlfriend thing is rapidly becoming a non-issue. I'll let you know when it's fully a non-issue. That was one of those things that was an attempt, like moving out and trying to change things at work, to address my underlying unhappiness and frustration. [/quote]
It almost seems he is saying "I will be right with you. Just
hang on a minute, I have to finish this sandwich."
I am happy for you and maybe a little envious since the bomb
drop happened in the exact same month as mine. I know that
MLC is not on a specific time table and everyone's time frame
will be different. My W has had several touch and go's, so I
know the havoc it can play with your head. None of the touch and
go's have been with any action to follow up the words.
It appears that your H is following up with actions. It is
refreshing to see what is coming from your H's mind as I read
those notes from him. It certainly matches what is really going
on ie. finding happiness etc. If there was a script for
recovering MLC'ers, he has located it and is using it. I can't
wait for your next post to see what happens next.
It is your posts that helps us that are waiting and watching
Alb, I enjoy reading your posts and it sure is a breath a fresh air
to see how things are going. Thank you for sharing so much.
I see your time frame from bomb drop and am amazed at the speed
this seems to be going for you and your H. It makes me put up a
caution flag in my head especially when I read this:
[/quote]
[i]The girlfriend thing is rapidly becoming a non-issue. I'll let you know when it's fully a non-issue. That was one of those things that was an attempt, like moving out and trying to change things at work, to address my underlying unhappiness and frustration. [/quote]
It almost seems he is saying "I will be right with you. Just
hang on a minute, I have to finish this sandwich."
I am happy for you and maybe a little envious since the bomb
drop happened in the exact same month as mine. I know that
MLC is not on a specific time table and everyone's time frame
will be different. My W has had several touch and go's, so I
know the havoc it can play with your head. None of the touch and
go's have been with any action to follow up the words.
It appears that your H is following up with actions. It is
refreshing to see what is coming from your H's mind as I read
those notes from him. It certainly matches what is really going
on ie. finding happiness etc. If there was a script for
recovering MLC'ers, he has located it and is using it. I can't
wait for your next post to see what happens next.
It is your posts that helps us that are waiting and watching
caution flag in my head especially when I read this:
Originally Posted By: Albuquerque
The girlfriend thing is rapidly becoming a non-issue. I'll let you know when it's fully a non-issue. That was one of those things that was an attempt, like moving out and trying to change things at work, to address my underlying unhappiness and frustration.
It almost seems he is saying "I will be right with you. Just
hang on a minute, I have to finish this sandwich."
I know what you mean. I'm OK with it not being immediate. I'm not OK with it taking a month. So somewhere in the middle I guess is my happy medium. I know he's built up a large circle of friends and professional contacts through her. Knowing him (and assuming he's serious about what he's saying), I have no doubt he's trying to extricate himself without damaging those additional relationships. I don't think it's possible. But he'll have to figure that out. I don't feel it's in my best interest to force the issue. It's his choice. HE needs to do it without me asking (which I haven't). So I'll give him the space and time he needs to do it. I am well aware that it may not actually happen. I can't say I'm prepared for that kind of blow, but I wouldn't be surprised. MLC has taught me that nothing is out of the question.
As for me, I continue to act pretty much as I did previously (although I have a hard time resisting occasional make out sessions when he's around). If he engages me via text/phone/email/IM, which is a LOT more often, I respond as I did before. Since he's asking ME a lot of questions about myself and my life, I'm telling him more. But I'm still not offering a lot. I still haven't initiated "fun texts" to him. I only contact about D and scheduling. I still leave my IM off most of the time. But he has definitely ramped up his desire to spend time with us. He told me today that he officially made his appointment with an IC for Monday. I think that's a good step and hope it serves him well. He actually looked to see when a certain movie was playing so that we could all go out together (it's no longer playing). So thus far, he has been following through on some of the things he's said he'd do.
PEI, I look forward to hearing your thoughts and perspective.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Timelines are usually not a good thing to look at or establish when dealing with someone in a crisis.
Quote:
So I'll give him the space and time he needs to do it.
I may be mis-reading your post....are you giving him a timeline to drop OW and NO timeline on when to call it a day? Cause you are saying that you will give him the space and time he needs but also saying he has less than 30 days.
Either way, timelines are not a good thing. Just MO.
[quote]So thus far, he has been following through on some of the things he's said he'd do. ]/quote] A very good sign. I'm pullin for ya.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Good point about the timeline Eric. I guess I didn't mean it in a "I have a date circled on my calendar" way. I guess what I meant is this. He has pretty much stated without my asking (based on his email I posted) that he plans on leaving OW. I understand he may be looking for the right time to do it or working up the nerve or maybe thinking about whether it's REALLY the right move. Whatever. I just realize it's not something that can necessarily be rushed. But if that's TRULY his intention, and he TRULY wants to work on us (which he's said), then if a month later, he still has the OW hanging on, it would make me QUESTION the veracity of his original statement. I guess if it takes him THAT long to do it, he's probably not ready to move on. Just one of those things that I'll be continually watching and observing. He sent me a video email this morning as he drove to a town nearby for the day. He said he just wanted to say good morning and told me that he had recorded a one hour voice memo and was going to send it to me when he got to the office. I admit, I'm intrigued.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
then if a month later, he still has the OW hanging on, it would make me QUESTION the veracity of his original statement.
Good mindset to have.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
