Well, like a lot of times, once there is someone else in the picture the WAS majically wants to return.
So it has happened here, too. I had a notebook of all the things that had happened with "the other guy" and H found it. It had to be Freudian, because of course I left it right out there in the open!
*just a recap--no sex, lots of flirty playful stuff including writing about him wanting to marry me in a little white chapel in North Carolina*
And like a lot of times happens around here, I now have no feelings for H, they are all for "other guy", and I can't see his efforts (if there are any) because, well, I think they are pretty poor. But they are there--he wants to go to another C.
Part of me is like "what the heck, one more round of this and then you will have ABSOLUTE PEACE that you have done EVERYTHING!!"
The other part of me just doesn't want to hear hours of how horrible I am. And how he feels nothing for me. I got a preview last night when I asked what he would say to a C??
I hate, hate, hate the idea of a D. Hate it. I feel I will be destitute by the end of this and lose my S.
But I hate the idea of being married to H. I will be in one of those forever-difficult marriages with a forever-difficult person. I know you grow spiritually from those--you do. And your kids probably benefit (??) by staying in an intact home.
And then H will have some more time to screw me royally. This is the BEST time to get a D, if I am to get anything financially. He has gone down to working 11 days a month. ELEVEN FREAKING DAYS!!! And I will be stuck at home watching television ALL FREAKING DAY WITH HIM.
I'd rather....omg...go to prison!! I'm stuck with a hostile, ugly, fat, gross, person--cleaning and cooking and watching his shows and rubbing his feet and you know what?? He has NO GOOD MEMORIES OF ME AT ALL!!!
((((((Laura)))))) Hmmmm..... interesting. I apologize, I didn't follow your situation from the beginning... is S15 your only child? And I don't remember anything about the "other guy"! What is the timeframe on that?
I know a lot of people believe in "staying together for the kids", but I have to say, I don't buy into that, at least once the kids are over 10 or so. The kids know that things are not right, and they feel the tension that is in the house every day. And I think it wears them down as much as it wears us down. Others might disagree, but I am pretty convinced that my kids are doing better now than before.
Should you see the C? Well, of course, there is only one person that can answer that. If you don't, will you always wonder? Can you picture any way that you would be happy married to H? And I mean happy, not just surviving. When you think about that, do your best to take the "other guy" out of the picture, pretend he was vaporized by aliens. The question is about you and H.
My gut says, go to C. All you are committing to is going to C. If nothing else you might learn something about yourself that can help you in the future.
Ok, "other guy" is not long on scene, although I have known him a year or so. There's lots of drama with him--it's pretty Jerry Springer actually. (my stepmother is in love with him and he told me his feelings for me at my dad's funeral 4 weeks ago--she would be livid if she knew.) He is a nice guy and has been saying ALL the right things.lol.
I ended up going to C tonight--the guy was OK, nothing amazing happened, but my H said he'd like to read the 5 LL book (which is one of my faves).
No, I don't see "happy". I see "joyful" because God and I are pretty tight right now, and I am sure he (God) won't leave me. But happy with H? no. I do like my joyful state though--it really is kind of a hard decision!!
So if H reads that book I may be inspired. I guess going to this C may be a plan. He stutters. I wish I could find a normal C (the last one had a constant "twitch").
Maybe I should look into that "Retroville" thing that people on here go to sometimes....
Yes, Retrouvaille is better. You will not sit around and hear hours of what is wrong with you. They focus on the positive, not the negative. And there is no one, twitch or no twitch, in the room with you when you talk. They teach you to talk to each other and send you off to do it by yourselves. It's amazing what can happen when people learn to communicate - effectively and caring-ly - with each other.
Sorry I have been a bit out of action this weekend, being sick of all things! lol You know unless your H actually does some work, I wouldn't trust it. He can say he will all he wants but threatening you and ignoring you just last week and then this sudden turn around...hold out for actions.
Sorry this is a mess for you. Wish my head was a little clearer but with this crud, I have to really focus.
Thinking of you, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
H fiding out about "other guy" has opened up some interesting dialogue I must admit. And there is something else...
I have "discovered" something inside myself. A fun, playful, flirty, silly person that is not a "mom" or "wife". She is mostly slut I think!lol. But loveable slut. I am in love with EVERYONE--men, women, doesn't matter. I'm in love with discovering things and life seems so majical right now!!
I took H by the hand last night--he was in front of the television per usual--and I forced all the hardness out of his face and told him I wanted to have fun. Come play with me. And play we did!! I told him everything I wanted. He seemed pretty eager to comply--in fact--I don't think I heard the word "no" once.lol.
He looked so young last night. He was really, really beautiful. Dim lights, dontcha know.lol. But it was a lot of fun, and....it still doesn't matter if we D. I'm on an adventure and it's amazing. What EVER will be coming up next?!
I think that we often hide our inner selves or inner children when we become parents. After all it is a lot of responsibility. So good that you are opeing up regardless what happens with your H. Have fun!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Nobody would blame me for having some fun with my H (I think). We have had a sex starved marriage MOST of our 15 years together. We averaged having sex less than 10 times a year. I have lurked on the SS message boards for years and years.
He is talking about why he went and looked at porn instead of approaching me. It's interesting but...so what?? It was immature and selfish. Most on here would say he was cheating our entire marriage.
He tells me he has been intimidated by me since he met me. I had it all together. Ok, again, interesting but....
I told him I made a huge mistake "chasing him". He was gorgeous, smart, and a "catch". He made minimal efforts, and it has continued all our marriage. I keep us together, and now that I refuse to do that any longer, we are falling apart.
I am bored with him. I won't go back to the same R with him. I feel him sucking me back to that and I won't go. I was out walking with my neighbors (a nightly ritual that I haven't been able to participate in for years) and he calls me and starts bitching about S15's math teacher--HELLO!! I AM NOT GOING TO BE LISTENING TO THIS DURING MY TIME!!!
I told him this was MY time, and to bring it up when I get home. NO RESPECT!!
I get home and there is no mention of it. Honestly?? I never want to listen to him bitch again. I'm done with it.
We took Gary Chapman's 5 LL test online. I told the C that he was acts of service and physical touch. He took the test and declared himself PT first and Words of Affirmation 2nd.
I don't know ANY words people that curse, bitch, moan, etc like he does. I don't think he wants to admit what he really is. He doesn't like himself anyway--why would he admit to what he really is??
But I thought it interesting he took the test, then had me take it (I am words by a MILE, then PT) and printed both results. He says he "sees" how his anger has affected my LLs. Is this a huge thing? I do want to be fair....
OG (other guy) called last night after being away a week. Of course it was lovely ==he is a words guy through and through. And physical touch after that.....
Also, H took away my credit cards several times over the weekend. Last time being on Monday. He takes them and then gives them back when I have to do some shopping that he doesn't want to do. One of them in in my name and I can have him removed. I also have a credit card he knows nothing about.
He tells me his L told him to do it, but he doesn't want to. His L also told him to take away my cell phone, but he doesn't want to do that.
C said he needed to give them back. I don't know if he should or not--I am not wanting him back really. He filed--my friends tell me I will never be sorry that he did that.
Does not asking for them back send that message? I think so. I think it unnerves him....
I may not want him back, but I don't mind that he is doing some soul searching. And if it does unnerve him, well, to me that is a good thing!!!
